Many Surprises and rethinking my life
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| Mon, 01-24-2005 - 2:41pm |
I have been down for so long now that I almost forgot who I was. My therapy session on Friday really got to me -
I woke up on Saturday morning and took a very long look at myself in the mirror.
I looked different. Tired. ashen. sullen. My eyes told my secret of a broken heart.
I knew then that "I" was holding on to my sadness and keeping my broken heart close to me in order to still somehow hold on to xMM. I do this because I know that he still cares about me - still thinks about me.........
But he is not with me now. He is home - confused - unhappy - but this what he chose, his life and what he chooses to do whether he gets his divorce or tries again with his W is not my concern - should not be my concern.
I told myself many things in the mirror. And the last thing I thought before I got in the shower was this:
He cares about you very much - but he and you are not eachothers. Stop wasting your energy on sadness and sorrow for someone that does care but is not yours. Let him live with decisions, if he continues to be unhappy this is his decision. If he does not find the courage to get a divorce or do something to make is life better - this is his decision. He is a scared man. He is not content with himself - he is a blamer - he is unable to forgive his W for her actions over the past years - and he is unable to see himself clearly. I need to start seeing myself clearly. Start today.
I know it is unrealistic to not think that I wont have periods of depression and crying - but I have to believe what he said. He said that he cares about me and thinks about me all the time - he said he was scared. This was the key phrase my therapist said - She said think about it Karena, he said he was scared - this is the most honest statement that he could ever say to you at this point.
Scared of not knowing what he wants, scared of wanting to be with you, scared that he feels this way about a good friends wife, scared of getting a divorce and all the changes that it brings, scared about not really knowing if he wants to stay with his W or not. Because he is scared - he choses to live in the status quo regardless of how unhappy he feels while there -
So, after my shower I put on makeup (I had stopped doing this other than mascara)I blew my hair dry and put hot rollers in my hair (I have very long hair and I had been just washing and letting it air dry)I dressed and then I sat in the kitchen and had coffee and a cigarette.
My phone rang and I picked it up and I said a cheery hello - it was xMM wife. She wanted to have lunch. She sounded sad - so I said yes. We met in Chinatown, had a really nice lunch, no talks about our relationships...just normal talk. She sugested having a drink closer to home - so we drove seperatly to a hole in the wall bar. On the way I thought - I need to see her as I used to, a person, xMM wife, a friend in circle - she is not a happy person at all - why is this, could it be because xMM is not a happy person either - they are both bad and mean to eachother,...........this could have been you......you got a small taste........relish that you dont have the whole plate.
After 2 drinks I said that I needed to get home - there had been relationship talk. Though she may know and she may not really know whether her H and I had an A - I talked only about my feelings like they were in general, I told her that I was broken, that I will never be the same after this past year but that I was going to be ok, I had an epiphany -
She talked about how crabby and unhappy xMM was, how they fight off and on - how he decided to not to to Hawaii the coming week and canceled his ticket and how he shows her no affection. I said nothing other than I hope that one day soon they both find the happiness they both deserve.
When I got to my car - I admit I felt a dwinge of happiness that life is not so happy for xMM. But then I remembered that this is what he wants - he has not called me for 3 weeks - NC......he is scared to see me or talk to me - he is practicing NC because he has too.
And then I felt for the first time since the A ended - sadness for xMM and his W. Sadness for her mostly........she has problems, she is lost. Maybe even more lost than I feel...........he was my lover, but he is her husband.
When I got home, no one was home. It was dusky out, and semi dark in the living room. But the house didn't feel large and dark anymore.........I lit candles and turned on music....I ordered take out for dinner.....and then my H came home.
He walked in the door and my knee's got weak..........He was so handsome and he was smiling. He said "Hi 5, how was your day? You gona stay home tonight?"
I did.

"He walked in the door and my knee's got weak..........He was so handsome and he was smiling. "
INTERESTING
I sounds like you are starting to make some progress and I am happy for you. Please be aware though that the warped relationship you share with XOM's wife is very dangerous.
I think she is playing games with you, you even say that she probably suspects you had an A with her H. Good God, what woman would actually want to befriend the OW? Something smells like rotton fish here Anna, not to mention the fact that you aren't even over XOM yet. You are keeping ties to him that will hinder your healing if not totally backfire very soon.
Get very busy, so busy that you have no time to "do lunch" or "drinks" or anything else with her anymore.
JMHO,
CG