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| Wed, 02-24-2010 - 9:10am |
Ive been with my H for 15 years(this june). I have had some time to reflect on my M. Theres been alot of life thrown at us, alot of mistakes, some regerts but lessons have been learned.
Im digging deeper into my behaviours and wonder if M after this many years is just how it goes. I mean my H has tried so hard in the last 2 years, has given me uncondiotnal love,he takes care of me, he knows my moods, my needs, he makes me laugh (oh my gosh,does he ever)...it appears as if everything is happy go lucky. So why have I not been happy with this-It all seems right, these are all the things that I want--My H is all the things I wanted XAP to be; so yeah I did have everything I needed right at home.
I dont have any friends that has been in this long of a realtionship- is this just how it is after 15 years? I find I get bored-lack of excitmenet and dont know how to change that.
We are having sex again, which is helping with the letting go part and rediscovery, but thats not enough I find myself wanting more, more fun, more excitment even more taboo. Which is probably how I let myself go looking for an A.....its so taboo.
I look ahead and wonder in another 15 years we will still be together, still fighting the same old deamons. will it be better? will I have regerts that I couldnt see the signs(if there is any).
Im content and Im bored all at the same time. Is it that life needs to spice up or my M?
I have been thinking about XAP , NO I really dont want that...so whats the best way to get over someone....move on to something bigger and better....sounds like an excellent idea to me BUT I cant seem to find that something bigger and better within myself. I often think I just want 'jesus to take the wheel' and make it happen so its so much that I cant turn my head backwards. I feel like Im waiting....just putting in time.
Is this just how it is after being with someone for so long?
TIA
DM

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Hi There!
I've been married 7 1/2 years and have been thinking about this same thing for at least 2 years. Recently, I stumbled upon some literature that discusses romantic love versus mature love. I will dig out those links and post them here for you. I found them to be helpful in at least understanding the difference... I haven't quite figured out how to "deal" with it yet, but I am getting there.
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Thanks Jane, I would appericate some reading material. If anything knowledage is power even if I dont get it or doesnt apply or whatever the case maybe, but I dont know unless I try.
Debbra
I think that every happy, successful marriage is made of TWO people who are fulfilled and content within themselves first, then, they bring whole, stable, committed selves to the marriage. Work on making yourself someone you love and respect. It sounds as if you have a pretty good marriage to make better. It's not always fireworks and passion, especially not after a while, but the love that is available to you now is deeper, better, more grounded -- and, with work and focus, you can even have those fireworks. If you're not in MC, you should seriously consider it. Just remember, you are dealing with some pretty heavy issues after ending your A and it will take a little time before you are able to redirect fully your attention to your H and M, so don't be discouraged. I've heard it here several times, "don't make any decisions or take any rash steps until you've given yourself time to come completely our of the fog - like six months." So, take the steps to move forward, certainly, but keep reasonable expectations and don't get frustrated. The drama and excitement of the A comes back to bite us in the arse when we have expectations of replicating the same intensity in real life. Probably because a lot of the drama was so illicit and dangerous. ykwim? Unless H is willing to do the dirty in broad daylight in the middle of a busy highway - you might might be slightly frustrated with the thrill-level of RL.
I really feel for you, Dear. But, I'm also a little envious. Can you imagine?? I wish I felt the same about my H and my M as you do. It would be such a huge improvement. I'm so happy you have a good man who loves you. You are very blessed!
Better days ahead, Love.
Dee
Hi Dee,
We havent done the MC thing,mostly because 3 years ago when I wanted too he didnt see the need for it. Now he thinks everything is just fine so why would we spend the money on something like that when we are doing so well at figuring out ourselves.
I was 6 months into NC when I broke it for about a week(5days or so).Which ,of course has brought me back to the begining because obviously I missed soemthing the 1st time around.
We were doing OK, still had feelings of bordem or blah but in those moments I just pushed them away...maybe this is what I missed before and I should address them. I dont know? Part of me feels like this is just par for the course, esp after this many years. Another part feels, this is how it all starts, is'nt it?
Thanks Dee
Hugs
Debbra
Debbra,
I can relate. I have been married several years. I worry that I won't feel towards my H what I have felt towards xap. I worry the spark won't come back. I worry that I made the wrong choice in this marriage.
I worry nothing will ever change and the boredom and routine will drown me and all that I am.
I don't know what the answer is, and I am a newbie.... but you are not alone in your feelings or your fears. Marriage is difficult, and I think everyone struggles. For me, I am trying to just deal with one thing at a time. Getting past this A first, then dealing with the issues in my M.
Hugs and best wishes to you girly,
Hazel
D-
Drag his ass to MC, if you have to. If you can't, you go to IC.
There is no excuse for H to be so stubborn and obtuse. I say, put your foot down! Um, but... maybe YOU are thankful he's the one resisting?? So that you get off the hook and don't have to go but he takes the blame? Hm? Are you afraid of what MC or IC might drudge up and that you might not be strong enough or ready to deal with, yet? I ask because BTDT!
Thoughts?
xo
D
Hi Debbra,
I agree with Dee on all points and would just like to add a lil sumin-sumin on the end.
Debra, you’ve shared here before about your addictive personality and keep in mind that that type of personality is often driven by thrill seeking and impulses.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Hi Dee,
I havent dragged him to MC because it has to be his choice, he has to want to come in order for him/us to put in the work. I cant fix this by myself..he has to want it too.
I am in IC. I have mixed feelings on it but Im there, I go, Im trying. I feel like all of this is my fault and its me who has to do the work; Im not looking to blame anyone else for my choices.
Maybe alittle bit youre on to something about not ready to deal with certain things. But I will as I get stronger I will be able to deal...little bit each day.
Debbra
Hi E1,
Theres alot that I want to address in your post, I hope that I dont miss one.
I do have an addicting personality and have often thought I could benefit from an addiction counselor. Because it is exactly that, getting those feelings into something positive and not destructive.
My bucket list...yes Ive done this a few times. Thats actually where my dreams come from and my focus. I dont know how many times I have my dream(always the same thing) and I make a plan to live it and I always seem to fail at it. Maybe Im reaching for something too big- youre example of going to your childs school and church is reachable. Maybe thats my problem, I need to be more realistic.
A quick note that I wanted to say. I didnt in any way for everyone who is reading this mean to sound like I was bragging about my M and or my life. I was 6 months NC, then broke it. Im starting to figure out I broke it and its possible whats going on in my M (or lack of) has contributed to my bad choice.
We're getting better at the whole connection thing daily. It was starting to grow until broke NC. Now Im looking and trying to re gain my focus on the things that I want in my life .....the simple things are the things that make me happy.
Thank you E1 for the guidance and realization and reminder that happiness comes from within and everything else will fall into place.
Hugs
Debbra
E1 you are always so right ON!!!
You are the best at
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