Married 6 years and messed up!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Married 6 years and messed up!
12
Fri, 11-05-2004 - 6:30pm
I was away on business and drank too much. The next thing I know I'm kissing a stranger and allowing him in my room. Some things happened, but his clothes remained on the whole time. I love my husband deeply and don't understand how I let this happen. But if I tell him I KNOW that my marriage will be over. So what do I do? keep it to myself? learn from it and move on? tell him? I know this will never happen again, I can never feel this way again. PLEASE - what do I do?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2003
Fri, 11-05-2004 - 6:36pm
From someone who has been married a long time I will give you my opinion!

From what you say you regret it and your husband doesn't know so take this as a learning experience and leave it to your self! What good will come out of you spilling your guts? Probably nothing but greif for everyone involved so like the old saying goes, What your husband don't know won't hurt him but if he did it could!

I feel you learned from this so take it for that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Fri, 11-05-2004 - 7:05pm
The guilt is unbearable. I know learning from it and keeping it to myself sounds like the right thing to do, but when he's around I just feel like spilling my guts. How do I work through this guilt without destroying my family? I feel like telling him is just the easy way out, because that makes him have to deal with it too and I won't feel so alone. I feel like the lowest thing on earth and I'm not sure where to go from here?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
Fri, 11-05-2004 - 10:47pm
Confess it to your counselor or your priest. No sense in unloading your guilt on your H. It's over and done with, hopefully you learned....
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 11-05-2004 - 10:54pm
Annet

The drinking did not cause it to happen it just lowered you inhabitions so your resistence was down, there is a reason it happened and dispite your best intentions it can happen again unless the reason(s) are addressed, I suggest that you seek out a good individual councilor to work through the reason(s) and deal with them once and for all.

Follow the council of your IC were it comes to talking to your spouse about this or not.

Jmho

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Sat, 11-06-2004 - 7:50pm
Anne,

Nothing good is going to come of telling him, I assure you. You're not having an affair. You drank too much and did something stupid. Don't do it again. There is no need to totally disrupt your life over it. Next time, don't drink so much. Overindulging in alcohol can really lead to some stupid mistakes. Keep your chin up.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Sat, 11-06-2004 - 8:47pm
Hiya Annet,

Learning from it is one thing, addressing the core issues that led to your making poor decisions is something else altogether.

Individual counselling is enormously beneficial for working through these core issues. It would also be an ideal sounding board for whether or not you should consider mentioning any of this to your husband. It would at least be far less biased than any suggestions you might hear here in that particular matter.

You'll see far more "don't tell's" here than you will "yes tell's" on this board. Any search you do for my previous posts will reflect that I'm strongly in favour of honesty within a marital relationship as well as any other relationship.

I disclosed everything and with all cards on the table my husband was able to make his own informed choice about whether or not he wished to reconcile. On making that decision to rebuild together, and with the benefit of marriage counselling, we have no more secrets or lies by omission. It's remarkably empowering and affirming of our relationship that we want to be with one another knowing the specific locations of each others' "warts." LOL

I've yet to see a reason for not disclosing the facts which isn't predominantly CYA based. And that's a personal choice. If protection of the affair partner is a concern, then simply refrain from giving the affair partner's name/details.

It just seems nigh on impossible to me for a marriage to be worked on or "rebuilt" when the two partners are holding very different sets of blueprints.

That said, again I recommend individual counselling to get at the core issues of why you made the choice of embarking upon an affair in the first place and do rely upon your own counsellor's advice about whether or not disclosure would be beneficial in the long term.

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 11:29am
Annet,

I agree with the poster who said to tell a priest, counselor, whatever. I know that there are some people who believe that it's so wonderful to just sing like a canary to your spouse and everything will be so much stronger. The fact is that some people can handle it, and some people can't. Why totally throw your marriage into a huge mess by "confessing"? You didn't even sleep with this man! You're certainly not having an affair with him. I read a post where it said that alcohol didn't cause you to do this. I say that's not true. Alcohol can and does make people do things that they normally absolutely wouldn't do. Take a drunk driver who kills someone. Are you going to tell me that the alcohol didn't cause them to do it. Alcohol most certainly can make you do things out of character. You said yourself that it would definitely be a huge problem for your husband. I tell you this...you can learn from this mistake and NEVER do this again, or you can tell your husband and be prepared for your marriage to probably never be the same. Ultimately, it's your choice, but I'd think long and hard about it before you make a decision. This is YOUR life you're talking about here, not anyone else's on this board.

God Speed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 3:56pm
Ann

Alcohol does not change your Charactar it only lets out what is already there in the first place hidden below the surface.

As for telling or not telling ask a professional, and seek one to help deal with the issues that the drink allowed to come to the surface in allowing that man into your room for in the first place

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 4:16pm
Mefree,

No offense intended, but alcohol most certainly CAN cause a person to do things completely out of character, and that it isn't always something that's lurking within. I have worked with alcohol abuse for a long time, so I know a LOT about which I speak. Ask any sober alcoholic if they ever did anything out of character from who they really were, and you'll be surprised. Again, no offense, but I think you're reading too much into the situation here. Not everyone who gets tanked up and ends up kissing someone, etc., had deep-seated feelings to do so harboring within. And not everyone needs to go running off to a therapist because they screwed up.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 7:29pm
Hiya Sillyme,

<<>>

That'd be me, Sillyme, may as well have the courage to name me. Let the record also show that I did, indeed, sing like aforementioned canary and everything with my spouse *IS* certainly very much stronger.

<<>>

The only fact here is you are unilaterally judging & deciding who can and who cannot handle truth within your own relationship. It appears you are now attempting to inject your judgements & your decisions upon others in their own relationships/circumstances.

While it may be ridiculous, or stupid or even alien to you to consider doing so, some people *DO* have the courage & integrity to tell the truth regardless of personal cost, Sillyme.

<<>>

Yes I am. The alcohol did not decide to get into a car and stick the key in the ignition, etc. The alcohol may well have been a factor in impairing the judgement & reducing the reaction time of the driver, but the alcohol most certainly did NOT cause the driver to kill someone. The driver CHOSE to drive knowing full well that alcohol impairs one's judgement as well as reduces one's reaction times. The driver remains at fault.

<<>>

The two options need not necessarily be mutually exclusive. I told all and learned from my mistake. It's also true to say that my marriage will never be the same as it was. And you know what? I am thankful for the better, stronger, more honest and real marriage I have every single day.

<<>>

Agreed. I'd go further and recommend counselling/therapy to assist in that consideration.

<<>>

Exactly!!!

You've stated your reasons for not telling repeatedly and made very strong recommendations that the original poster not tell. I'm sure the original poster is every bit as capable of making up her own mind about her own life in her own circumstances just as you are and I am.

Our choices do not have to be the same for us to have common ground, Sillyme. Someone elses' choice should not be needed to validate or discredit our own choices.

If this topic is really bothering you to this extent, Sillyme, perhaps you should carefully consider where the problem actually lays.

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie

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