Married man problem

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Married man problem
3
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 10:44pm
I have been dating a married man for almost 3 years now. He stopped having sex with his wife and stopped everything else with her a little over 2 years ago. She knows about us and she said that is why she won't leave. They have 2 small kids together. There relationship ended long before he and I actually got together though. He said she lied about everything and he is tired of it. He met her online but didn't get to know her very well because her profile and everything she told him was a lie. He won't just put her out of his house (he had before they married) because she will lie to the kids about it and turn them against him. He also said he can't afford to just let her have the house because he owes to much on it. He said if he knew for a fact that he would get the kids, then he would kick her out. The judges in this state though are for the mom no matter what.

I just don't know how much longer I can't wait. When I tell him that he says if I really love him I will wait for him. The kids are too young to wait on them to grow up to the age of understanding divorce.

When I do try to get away from him, he doesn't leave me alone.

I am ready for my own husband and more kids. I have 2 boys now, but I would like to have at least one more. He is also older than me and he really probably wouldn't be able to see the child grow up if I keep waiting.

He also tells me no one will love me as much as he does. i have asked several people about this and of course they tell me to get out of the relationship, but that is easier said than done. I knew better than to go out with a married man but I thought if something was bad enough at home for him to be looking then they would be divorced soon.....boy was I wrong.

She is looking on a dating service he said but she is still there so I guess she hasn't found anyone yet.

Thanks for listening to me and I hope you can help me out soon. I think I am going crazy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 10:37am
Wow just let me say I see alot of his 'lines' that I also got from my MM. This is just my opinion and my experience. I really have trouble believing a couple is going to live together and not have sex for 2 years. When my MM told me this...I chose to 'believe' him even though I knew in my heart there was no way..they were doing it...maybe not every night or once a week but they had done it within last 2 years. I recently found out..I was right. You have to truly trust your gut instinct on that one...even if you chose not to 'face' the truth. My MM also has young children and is very involved in their lives..and as a mom who chose to divorce when my kids were young..I felt it was better than when they were older and could understand that mommy left daddy and it hurt him. And I also didnt want them to be old enough to understand and hate any man that came into my life that wasnt their dad. My MM says he stayed till he got finances in order etc. I said same thing you did..I cant keep doing this..I was getting more and more miserable...and id tell him I was done..was gonna start dating and hed beg cry plead..please no im leaving just give me a little more time...dont do this to us etc. And everytime I stayed because regardless I knew he loved me ..and i loved him..and trying to be without him killed me. One day of NC left me feeling sick panicked and unable to breath. 2 and a half years and a 3 month old baby together his wife and I both know he has lied for over the last year or so. Now that I have been 'slapped in the face' with the truth of them being together sexually I cant stay. For him and I it is now or never...he has till end of month to leave..or im out of here..and even if he does leave..I have put conditions on that also. If he isnt gone by the time limit..he was never going to leave..and I will somehow have to suffer through the heartache and move on...because I truly want more from life than this...and I want more for my kids! Sorry this may not have helped much but I guess im saying ive finally learned that they will stay right where they are as long as we allow it. And by us staying and 'waiting for them' we are enabling them to manipulate us. Good Luck and (((hugs))) to you cause I truly know the hurt and confusion and hoplessness you are feeling!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 11:13am
Thanks so much. I know what I need to do but I just need to really do it, not just talk about it.

If I found out for sure that they were still having sex then I know I'd be out of it, I wouldn't even give him a time limit.

Sometimes I think the more I get to know him the less I want him anyways. It's not just the wife thing, it is him having to know everything breath I take ALL the time. It really gets old. If he don't trust me then I don't need him in the first place.

I will be through with college in May and then I can go anywhere and find a job and I will get away from him then. I have told him this but I really don't think he believes me.

Thanks again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 11:45am
Believe me I know definatelt easy to say and know you should than actually doing it!! Ive tried dozens of times and always failed. I have never let anyone take advantage of me..im a very strong willed independant woman. I said the same thing..if I knew..instead of thinking...they were..im out of here. But I guess until it actually happens you dont know what you'd do. I still talk to him through email, IM's, and phone everyday...and I see him when he comes to see our baby...but the day I found out I established a 'no physical contact' rule till he leaves. If he doesnt leave then its no contact at all except in regards to the baby. And getting away after college will be good for you..a good time to start letting go. Gives you a distraction and a way to meet other people. Him not trusting you can also be not only his own insecurities butalso another hint of whether he's being honest. Have you ever heard of the betrayer accusing the one their betraying of also being unfaithful? Its about their own guilt ..I mean after all if im cheating and lying she could be to. Its all crazy!! lol I can say this.. I always say never say never..but I change that rule when I say I will NEVER put myself in this situation again!!!