Married Woman and single OM

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
Married Woman and single OM
6
Tue, 02-22-2005 - 12:52pm

I've been posting for the past few weeks and appreciate all the words of kindness I have received from you all. I was just wondering if there was anyone in my particular situation: that is, newly married and had EA with coworker who is single. Many of the posts I read are single/married women with MM.

Does anyone else feel torn in the sense that they want their marriage, even want to tell husband of A, but at the same time miss OM so much and continue to break NC because I miss him so much. OM is being good at giving me space when I need it and at not seeking me out (he says he does this to make it easier on me). BUT it's ME, the married one who has no self control.Morally and ethically we both know the relationship we had was wrong, but he can control himself and I can't ....when does this stop? Is NC the only solution to moving on? We both agree that we ruined a great friendship and I want to know if I can ever have that friendship back....

Edited 4/14/2005 1:55 pm ET ET by spanishtrain




Edited 7/2/2005 1:00 pm ET ET by spanishtrain
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2004
Tue, 02-22-2005 - 1:49pm

Hi Spanish,
Yes, I am married (although not newly-7 years) and was in an affair with a single co-worker. It lasted for a year and a half. I have been out of the A since before Thanksgiving with NC since the first of January when it officially ended. I personally do not believe that you will go back to or can continue to be friends. I have found with time that my clouded judgement of the situation led me to a new clarity of what it was I really and truly had. I lived in a fantasy realm in the A. I believed it was more than it was.....a fairytale romance. The reality hit me hard when I saw it for what it was. It took time to see that any single man that would pursue a married chick was not a good guy. I don't care about the "connection" "soulmate" bullsh*t. I was not a good person either for lying and cheating and we held hands and skipped through liar/cheating land together. It takes two to tango.
If you really want to make your marriage work (i have not told my H and will not tell him)like I do you have to cut all ties to your OM. The intense longing/lust subsides with time. After you see the A for what it really was than you can focus on rebuilding your marriage. It takes time, it hurts. it is confusing but it is the only way to get on with a real life.
I wish you luck in whatever you choose!
~nutt

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2005
Thu, 02-24-2005 - 12:49pm
This is my situation, very similar to yours. I have been married a little over two years too. Before I reply, my H found a message of mine on here a few weeks back, so be careful. I was stupid enough to use my email name as my screen name on here. I talked my way out of it and told him it was an emotional affair. Not sure if he believes me. For me, OM was my first love. We have seen each other here and there throughout the years. I did stay away for a few weeks after my H saw my post here and I never heard back from OM. Like you, OM stays away from me for my own good and I am the one going back. I just broke NC over the weekend and saw him. I missed him so much and it took over. Afterwards, I hate myself. This week was one of the hardest to get through. Almost found myself in trouble again, but talked my way out of it. I don't know if I can stop. I know if I don't, the next step is my H ringing OM's doorbell while I am there. I hope you find the strength as I hope I do too. Our marriages will not be given the chance it derserves if we keep going like this. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2004
Thu, 02-24-2005 - 2:54pm
Well, I'm not exactly in your situation, we're both married and we used to work together. But I do ask myself the exact same questions right now,

I don't have an answer. I was forced into NC since his W found out a month ago. I am giving him space and time to deal with issues at home. For us, it's lust not love, so things might be a little easier. But I'm full of quilt right now and regret that I ever gave in when he started flirting. I know I'm finding excuses for myself, but he is attractive, built, 5 yrs younger than me and we've been good friends for a long time. I want to know he is surviving, that he is working things out with his W, and that I'm always here to support him if needed. I do want that friendship back. But my feeling is that once that line is crossed, it'll be extremely hard to just maintain a pure friendship. Everyone on the board seems to think NC is the best way. So many times I want to write him an email just to say hello and see how he is doing. But I do respect his decision to work on his M and I don't want to force him to talk to me. It's been 3 weeks and it's been very hard.
I hope we can find a way to get that friendship back, but I highly doubt it...
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2004
Tue, 03-01-2005 - 5:34pm

Similar situation. I have been with my H from 12 years. OM is single. I feel like I need this man in my life like I need air to breath. Its only been a week on NC and I feel like I am loosing my mind. I know it was wrong and I can beat myself up about it but I can't ever change it.

If you think you can go back to "Just Being friends" good luck cause I couldn't do it and Im not sure if I ever could. Being away from him is hard but being on this roller coaster is alot harder.

Good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Tue, 03-01-2005 - 6:38pm
I can relate to your situation with the exception that we havent crossed the line, only because OM is stronger than I. We saw each other twice outside of work and than he stopped it. He admitted that he liked me, alittle too much. And going ony further would be wrong because I am married (11yrs). We started out flirting at work and I could see he was checking me out. Anyways that was last summer that we saw each other, we continue to talk to each other at work and email. Me still hoping he would cave in and see me, well here it is March and he hasn't. I'm heart broken. I've let my emotions get the better of me and it hurts to think there will be nothing phsical between us. So yes I kinda know what your feeling.
I'm wondering if I can manage to be friends with him knowing how strong I feel about him. He has made it clear that that is all we can be. But that we are definately friends. So maybe I should be glad that he was stronger than I. I just wanted the chance to feel his arms around me. I don't know. Maybe you wanted to tell your husband because you thought if you did that you would have to stop the foolishness. Thats what I did last summer. I told DH of emotinal affair figuring that if I did that I would have to put an end to any thing from going any further. I told him I went out with him once and nothing happened too, nothing did. Although I still continued to talk to him and wanted to see him.
Does that make any sence to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 10:15am

Your story totally makes sense to me. When he said "It cannot continue" I knew that it was stated as a matter of principle, not necessarily as a something he wanted...but yes, he was strong. 2 months went by and I finally felt that we could be friends, I had the plan to tell me DH that I was being tempted by another man, due to the emotional connection we had, and that I want to work on our marriage, to ensure that I get what I need in the marriage to ensure that I dont stray....




Edited 4/14/2005 1:56 pm ET ET by spanishtrain