Married woman having an affair
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| Wed, 10-06-2004 - 11:18am |
I've been married to a wonderful man for just over a year. He's attractive, sweet, outgoing, has a great job and takes care of me...not to mention it is the only 'healthy' relationship I have ever had. I couldn't believe this great guy wanted to be with me! I thought our relationship was pretty perfect...until I met someone else.
Back in April, I met another man. We met through work, on the phone and hit it off right away. It started out simple and harmless enough - just friendly phone calls and emails. He knew I was married from the beginning. We would talk about work, and relationships, share jokes and funny stories. After about 3 weeks, we agreed to meet for drinks one night. We talked and laughed and watched a baseball game for a few hours. It was fine - in fact I wasn't even phyiscally attracted to him at that point. But when I left the bar, I felt bad that he didn't try to kiss me! The next day, we hooked up again, for some casual chat. By the end of the night, we were standing in front of my car hugging each other and crying. We both felt this...connection, but knew it was wrong. We knew our friendship could be just that - nothing more. I left the next day to go on vacation with my husband for our 1 year anniversary. When I got back 4 days later, my 'friend' had left numerous messages in my email box telling me how he couldn't stop thinking about and how he had never had feelings like this for anyone before. He said he hoped I realized how lucky I was to be with my husband and that we probably shouldn't continue to see each other. 2 days after I returned home, we met again...and ended up making out in a parking lot for 2 hours. I cried driving home that night.
Anyway, the next month was a whirlwind. We spent everyday together for lunch, and drinks or coffee after work. We talked and emailed each other constantly throughout the day. He told me he had never been in love before, he said he had never experienced feelings like what he felt for me, he said he never imagined himself married or wanting only one woman for the rest of his life...until me. It was amazing. Then one day, he finally said those 3 words...for the first time ever. Again, we stood there holding each other and crying.
One week later, he told me he couldn't do it anymore. He had been hurt badly by his first girlfriend (8 years prior) and was afraid of getting hurt again. As much as he loved me, he was scared. He was also concerned about us being different religons. We worked things out, but it was never the same after that. He began to pull away from me, and I, of course clung on tighter.
He finally ended thing the beginning of August. He said he didn't understand how I could love 2 men at the same time. He said he was tired of leaving me to go home to an empty house, while I went home to my husband. He said he didn't want me to leave my husband for him, but he just couldn't see how our relationship would ever work out. He said if I cheated on my hisband, why wouldn't I cheat on him? August was a bad month, we tried being friends, but always ended up fighting. He said he wasn't in love with me anymore and that we would never be a couple again.
By the beginning of Sept. we had agreed to try to be friends. We met for coffee on a Tuesday (when he told me he still had feelings for me but wasn't in love with me), then didn't speak again for almost two weeks. I figured I needed to give him some space. He emailed me the following Thursday - just to say hi and see how things were going. We chatted off and on for the next few weeks. He called me one morning at 7 am to let me know about a store near my office that carried my favorite tea. Our discussions or emails were never very long and usually ended with me feeling like I was making all the effort. I was confused by the way he seemed to just get over me so quickly.
Then last Friday I sent him an email to say have a great weekend - I was going out with a girlfriend that night. He emailed me back and we chatted for quite awhile about our plans. I told him to call me if he wanted to meet up. At midnight, my phone rang. It was him and he wanted me to meet up with him at the bar he was at. We played phone tag until about 3am, when I met him at a park near his house. We got out of cars and stood in the park holding each other for what seemed like forever . It felt so good to be in his arms again. The we started to kiss. He told me he wanted to be with me - I said I didn't know if that was a good idea, because I still had feelings for him and if he didn't have them for me, it could be messy. He agreed and said that it was just that - he just wanted to sleep with me. I was devesated. We ended up arguing until 5am - I finally went home. The next day we talked and he went on and on about how he doesn't believe in happily ever after and marriage is a joke that people need to be happy on their own.
Anyway, we're back to being 'friends' again. Things are back to being strained. I'm not sure what to do. I truly love this man, and I know he loved me. I feel like he has given me some mixed signals. I don't know if I'm crazy and reading too much into things. Can you really love someone and then just turn those feelings off and just want sex?? Why call me in the first place? Why call me at 7am to tell me about tea?? Why even try to be friends?? I'm so confused! I feel horrible about having these feelings for him - I know I should try to focus on my husband, but I think about this man all the time. I really miss him. Any advice???

The absolute best advice I can give you is probably not what you want to hear, but you probably didn't come to this board to me coddled, right?
A couple of things. And please know that I am speaking to you from experience. Been there, done that. Everything you've done, I've done, so I know it to be true. First of all, cut your losses and run. Tell yourself that thank God you didn't sleep with him. If you had, this would all be ten times worse. I don't know what was lacking in your marriage for you to have fallen into this mess, but whatever it is, try and work on that. It's so easy to get caught up in this romantic fantasyland and tell yourself that it's real. It isn't real. We think it is. We swear it is. But it isn't. I thought I was head over heels for my OM. I lived in that fantasyland. But when it all came crashing down over my head, which it will for you if you continue, I realized how crazy it was. Yes, I was attracted to him. Yes, I liked him. Yes, I enjoyed being with him. But after a time, I started to see how crazy it was. The lying, the sneaking around, the stress of living a double life. I started to see that none of it was truly real. It's easy to think someone is just the cat's meow when you don't have to see their real side. You don't have to pick up their underwear or experience day to day life with them. "I love you" has no real meaning until you have a life with someone. And oh how easy it is to say those words when you're caught up in the moment. Especially if you've had a few cocktails. Anything is possible when you've had a few cocktails. You can convince yourself of anything.
You mentioned in your message that your husband was "healthy". It sounds like you appreciated that at the time you married him. What happened that now an unhealthy relationship is appealing to you more than a healthy one? I'm sure this guy is nice and everything, but from what you've said, he doesn't sound like he's a hotbed of health. Well, actually, the fact that he wanted to end it does lend some credence to it. He at least knows that it's not right. But overall, he doesn't sound like he's the most healthy person in the world. His girlfriend hurt him 8 years ago, and he's still lamenting about it. 8 years! What does that tell you about him? He says he doesn't believe in marriage. Can you blame him? You're married, only one year, and look where you're at. When he says he doesn't believe in marriage, believe him. Because that includes marriage with you. He said that he just wanted to have sex with you. If that's true, then at least give him credit for being honest. Or he could be saying it to hurt you because he's pissed off that you're using him this way. And you are using him. Emotionally. You're using him to make you feel good. You do go home every night to your husband and your home and your life with him. What do you really have to offer him? He said that he didn't love you. You can't understand how he can just get over you so quickly. I know how. Because it wasn't real!!!!! Think about it...every time you start to see someone, in the beginning it's all hearts and flowers. You've found Mr. Perfect, he's found Miss Right. And three months down the road, you realized he wasn't so perfect, you weren't so right, and the relationship wasn't all hearts and flowers. Affairs always seem so heady because they never move past the initial phase. It's la-la land until someone wakes up and realizes that it's actually a false sense of reality, destructive to all involved and needs to end. Read these boards. You are no different than me or anyone else.
Go home, love your husband, honor him. He sounds like a great person that doesn't deserve to be sh*t upon. And that's what you're doing every time you get together with this man, every time you call him, every time you email him, whatever it is you do. You sh*t on your husband and the life you've made with him. If you want to lose everything you have, keep pursuing the OM. And you will lose it. Or you can take the other fork in the road, learn from this what needs to be learned, and go on and have a happy life with your husband. It's your choice, and it is a choice.
Please know that none of this is judgement. I've made all the mistakes for you. You don't have to now.
By the way...how do you manage to go out and stay out all night without your husband getting upset or wondering what's going on? Just curious.
Good luck. You can do this.
silly
I just read your e-mail and started crying because I am in the same shoes as you are!!! I am also married to a wonderful man for 10 years now. We love each other very much, but I fell in love with another man and started an affair about 2 months ago. I met him about a year ago on my commute to work, but we never talked just starred at each other. Until one day we started talking, I gave him my e-mail address, he wrote me back the same day and told me that he found me very attractive and that he knew I was married (he has seen me with my husband holding hands), but just in case if I wanted to act on it. I know at that moment I should have just backed off and never responded, but I did, because I had feelings for him. I thought all he wanted was sex from me. We've been intimate for the past 2 months now, but he is very mysterious and sometimes I can't figure him out. I told him over and over again that I don't wanna get hurt. What's worst is that when I first met him he said he had a girlfriend, but they weren't serious, then a month later he finally admitted to me that he is married as well with 2 kids. I was shocked, but I still didn't end the affair. I fell in love with him and now I am in deep trouble. I can't get him out of my mind, sometimes I cry myself to sleep. There are times when I am sad and I am sure my husband notices that on me. I know my lover doesn't love me. He tells me he cares about me a lot and when I ask him sometimes, he says his answer is not good enough for me. I am hurt. I should end the affair, because he probably just wants me for sex. How do I end an affair when I am in love with the person????
I can relate to the devasting pain that you feel. Good luck to you.