Master Dharma...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Master Dharma...
1
Tue, 05-18-2004 - 1:07pm
Hi there. Well, I struggled not to, but I feel compelled to respond to your post below. As you probably recall, I was one of the many women with their hands up high when you asked the question on "the other board." In fact, it was the primary reason I ended my marriage two years ago. I KNOW this is not the appropriate forum for this discussion but I'd really love to explore this issue with you further.

I've made a decision to try to move past this problem with my DH. He's had 2 years of counseling prompted by this very situation and I think, hope and pray that he's got it under control.

You mentioned in your post that you created some drama around these night-time escapades. Drama? I don't think so, honey. It's drama all by itself. I have to confess that I got a tremendous pit in my stomach while reading your post because the single reservation I have about rebuilding my marriage surrounds the violation I felt occurred several nights a week when I tried to get some rest. And yes, I'm willing to call it abuse and rape. I think that's a given. And he has apologized profusely for these actions, promised that it wasn't anger toward me that prompted his behavior, that he never intended to hurt me. All that being said, I still feel a bit jittery sleeping with him. True to his word, he hasn't bothered me once in the past 3 months. But that's not to say that it won't ever happen again.

It's actually more common than you might think, even among women who don't consider themselves to be in an abusive relationship. Men. Who knows? I guess the key is whether your sex life is otherwise satisfying and respectful. My H also swore he had no idea what was going on and didn't realize what he was doing. I chalked that up to his years in the military and his ability to "disconnect."

Are we both thinking and intellectualizing too much???? I don't think so, but sometimes I just don't know. I had to get this out because it's still there, still a roadblock between me and DH. He even apologized again as recently as this past Friday evening. We got into a fairly deep conversation about my 4th step during dinner; I was lambasting myself (again!) for all the harm I caused during my active addiction and he brought up what he had done to me repeatedly during the period of my active addiction and apologized again.

And there lies the ONE single area where OMM has it head and shoulders over DH. I can identify with your holding hands comment. When OMM looked into my eyes while we made love there wasn't any doubt about his respect for me and the act of making love to me. Today, even when my DH tries to be this sincere, it doesn't have the same effect because the damage was done.

And then I think that relationships are so multi-dimensional and if I'm completely satisfied with all other aspects and had my choice to end this marriage and didn't, couldn't, whatever... how important is the past? If we don't have to deal with it again in the future will it eventually be ok???? I don't know. This is a heavy-duty issue for me and I just had to vent to you...

Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 10:04am
Mo~

Ah, yes...now I remember you too responded. Hey I posted this stuff recently on the other board...read buff's response..and then email me. The past couple of days, since I posted this has been very difficult for me, sent me into a bit of relapse, and making me confront some more denial(?) and issues that I have. However, I believe this topic is best addressed off the boards (don't you think?). click on my name and email me....could really, really use someone to bounce some of this stuff off of...its bringing me into a pretty dark place.

dharma