A matter of "Closure"

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
A matter of "Closure"
5
Tue, 05-10-2005 - 8:17pm

By reading the posts on this board, I see that everyone here that has ended an affair, had or maybe had needed a sense of closure, when it was finally said and done. Do you think that X-affair partners even care how you felt, how you hurt or even really cared to maybe listen to you vent your pain and agony, or was it really just a wait of breath.

I wonder too if... as alot of affair go, all the times NC would start and stop and the "caving in process" always won out, did any words ever said during the whole "relationship" really matter at all????

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 05-10-2005 - 9:17pm
Did the words said all through the relationship ever really matter at all??
I can only speak for my situation. All affairs are not the same, so everyone's responses will be different. For me, I truly believe my EXMM has adored me since highschool. Our reconnection- was unexpected..and I believe he did have strong feeling for me, I even believe that he thought he loved me. But the situation-as it is--isn't simple. He's married..as am I.and even though he's married to someone with a drinking problem, the idea of an "affair" makes for some unsettling and odd feelings. He went wrong, in that he wanted to forge forward with the relationship about every two months. And then after intense attention, he'd contradict himself or run. He said things that I know weren't true, and sometimes because he was in the "defense mode" regarding being married, and afraid. I think if we were both single, things would not have been so bad. I may have actually realized he wasn't for me due to other more natural causes. But I don't think he would have acted so contradictory if we weren't dealing with our own marriages etc. So my feeling is, that although having an EMA isn't the right thing to do -I felt it was even worse to be pushed and pulled as I had been by him. I can accept that maybe having an EMA wasn't something he could handle. In fact if he said so from the beginning I'd have a sense of respect for him that I don't have now. I believe his flip-flopping, dishonesty etc. was due to his fears. Unfortunately he should have been more up front about them the whole time, rather than changing back and forth so much.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 05-10-2005 - 11:07pm

In my opinion, I am starting to believe I got involved with someone with serious problems. I believe now that he is not capable of a real relationship. When I met him, he was unhappy with wife #2 and said he had been looking for his real love his whole life. I got divorced, he separated but never divorced. I am, at this point, not even sure of where he is. He has virtually disappeared. Push came to shove and he had not backed up all his words of love, marriage and babies with action and he just....poof. Gone. I don't hate him becuase I think there is something wrong with him. he has a serious job and 2 kids and I don't understand how he could just disappear. He's not my husband (thank God) so I will just try to move on and leave the PI work to his almost ex wife. I bet he is somewhere right now, walking along that beach he talked about, looking for his true love, thinking that this time, he will do it right. I believe he loves me but is not capable of building a real life with me. So true to form, he has vanished. So did it all mean anythign? I would have to say...no. It would be like if I worked all night on a project and showed up empty handed at work. What does it matter what I said I did and tried to do? Nothing is nothing. I would say I had wasted 2 yrs of my life except that maybe I learned something important about life. Stay away from people who don't like themselves. They can't love.

I will never get closure.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
Wed, 05-11-2005 - 12:00am

I think the closure that you are seeking ultimately comes from within you. Even if your AP has several "closure" conversations with you (mine did) I still had to evaluate if he meant what he said or if it was a game or whatever. At the end, everything he said I thought about and had to decide if I accepted that he meant it or not. It felt good but actually I could have just believed whatever I wanted to and it would have been the same.

I learned so much from this painful experience. I will never be the naive person I once was, but I refuse to be bitter or hard from the experience. We had great conversations that opened my mind and let me see things that I might not have if I hadn't done this. As for the relationship if you mean are there tangible benefits to having been in it then definately there aren't. I don't know if this affected him or changed his life and at this point I really don't care. I hope so, but I realize it is not my place to share this life with him right now. I have so many others I was neglecting. I am so thankful for my H who I did not appreciate enough before and my family. The A has changed me into a better person (I hope) and for that I am grateful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Wed, 05-11-2005 - 12:33am

hi ivy,

i can relate, like u, OW left and she is gone no more contact, no goodbye

i still miss her, i still cant think of the years i was with her were how do u say it "wasteful", i still miss her up to now, she lives close by but i dont see her anymore, i make it to a point that i dont go near where she lives or frequent places she might go, it is hard for me coz i still have that urge and i am hoping just even to see her from afar

its crazy huh !, oh well, there is no closure for me in the sense that she never said goodbye, i wish she did, im still in pain, now its just pure pain in the sense that i dont know what kind of pain it is

i dont even think is she ever cared for me, or else i will go crazy, i will never find out, chances are very remote, but life goes on, we make new choices and try to live again

max

sometimes i still feel sad and lonely, actually most of the time :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-11-2005 - 11:30pm

>>>>even really cared to maybe listen to you vent your pain and agony, or was it really just a wait of breath. <<<<

I saw XMM after 6 mos of NC. I ran into him, completely took me by surprise. We met the following week for lunch. I yelled and screamed and cried alot and told him how deeply he hurt me and what he has done to my life..like a train wreck and left the wreckage for me to clean up. He listened but basically said nothing. Hes a wimp and a selfish man. Did I get closure? No not really, just a giant step backwards, when I saw him as angry as I was at him..I remembered the man I wanted him to be..not who he really is. All the hurt came back and how much of a fool he made of me.

>>>>>did any words ever said during the whole "relationship" really matter at all????<<<<

No. If they meant anything, he would be FREE to be with you out in the open. He is where he is..because HE WANTS to be there.

Hope