Maxell 2004
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Maxell 2004
| Mon, 03-14-2005 - 5:07pm |
Tell the x-OW to get out of your life and leave you the hell alone. Tell her you are through pining away for her and tell her to quit calling you and emailing you. She is using you for an ego trip. If this is how she gets her thrills, then she is sad. She needs to get a life. She made her choice and she needs to go on and leave you the hell alone. You deserve better than her anyway. She sounds like an egotistical, controlling woman. If she contacts you again, tell her to F_ _K OFF! You don't need this in your life. You need to heal!

i feel responsible also since i welcome her emails and her calls, for some reason i could not make myself say no so far
we work together and sometime i want to see her so bad
im nuts i think,
max
Max
You arent nuts although I am sure you feel like you are sometimes. But I do agree the more you can stop welcoming her contact the better you will be! It stops the progress and makes you regress. But I know it is hard..it is a drug. But her contact with you is a temporary fix, leaving you to deal with the fall out again!
Best wishes..keep up your healing.. freedom is a wonderful thing . I myself only had a quick glimspe but it was great and I cant wait to be there again!
i finally took his numbers out of my phones...so that i wont impulsively call again (done it once a month for the last 3 months and always during my PMS time ive now noticed hmmm)
I am at the stage that I have to greive the loss, grieve that we wont be friends...grieve the grief if that makes sense?
I dont want to hate him...so the idea of "f**k off" will never happen. I can't like him anymore however...not the real him. I am mad I have been forced to grieve this. So I use THAT anger and the anger at self...not directly at him but more about the resentment and what he put me through selfishly and my stupid impulsivity that i used to have such control over. I loved someone that doesn't exist. I can't grieve that loss. I am grieving that he didn't exist. Numbers are gone. I will never call again. I feel certain he wont either , although he called 2 months ago and didnt leave a message and now claims for nothing since he is with his new g/f and separated from his wife...i believe him...or not...doesn't matter. He doesn't care what I think. THAT is what matters. He didnt care when he knew i was falling apart. HE DIDNT CARE. I got the message now. He showed lil or no remorse...and the irony is that he never had to turn this into a romance/affair..we were friends and i had rejected the notion..he pushed harrrrrrd and was good at it and i broke a boundry i swear i never would. I am left bereft for nothing, mad at myself, still in love with someone who doesnt exist, and he is now pretending nothing but friendship (like a buddy) existed. HE DIDNT CARE. I got the message now. He is mentally manipulating. I will not call again...that just feeds the beast. HE DIDNT CARE. I got the message now. He says he is my friend even when i dont ask him. HE DIDNT CARE. So that is a lie too.
NO matter if he did have feelings for me or not..it doesn't matter..because when it came to when and how he hurt me..ANY ADULT NORMAL human being wouldve known it would hurt me...and he didnt CARE. As soon as I got to this point of thinking. Not the "what ifs" or "did he or didn't" but ...DID HE ACT HUMAN AND CARE? ...now that i can see how he didn't care like a NORMAL human being SHOULD (and that goes for how he left his wife as well) ...that sealed the deal that well...he shouldve...and i dodged a scary bullet and that he is someone's elses now is scary and i feel bad for her in a way but....i just have residual curiousity along with a torn up scared heart and eventually ....he wont care about her feelings...so its not about losing to someone else...its about a loss of someone who didn't exist because he doesn't have the soul inside I need to know exist in order to love him or any man. I need someone with a soul that is deeper than this. So I didn't lose something that was there because it wasn't there..and I am grieving from DISAPPOINTMENT.
and I am if i think about trying to rationalize it...i am no better or worse off then before I met him...I spent some money on some cell phone calls etc..but any money spent i did so freely ..i am lucky ..i didnt get tied to a lease or credit cards or anything remotely like that. There is one thing is that i have daily reminders that haunt me...i just glad they are not a disease or child.
...What i got from it ...perhaps sadder and smarter...but ok ive accepted that exchange...just went through an experience and have to learn something from it in order for it to make sense.
Numbers are gone...and I am off to never settle for that kinda crap again. I mourn for the loss of the feeling of love I had for him. I will heal and perhaps, give it to someone who deserves it. Unfair feelings will eventually die down and be replaced with smiles. Its already happening in babysteps.
I want you all to have hope, but you have to be mindful of doing helpful things for yourself as SOON as you can stand it. Talk it through your head...and get to the point of clarity..its just weird how it is a "process" and not instant. At least it wasnt for me. That is something I do not understand. LOL
::Hugs:
Lizzie
Great post lizzie, you're doing great, keep it up.
The clarity in which we see things now is blinding at times. It's been a process for me too, one that I'm finally seeing the signs of light at the end of this heartwrenching ordeal.
I had made the choice to give up my social circle, instead, we've been going out with other friends, went out dancing last weekend with some newer acquantenances of ours, and just trying to make a life without the complications that the A and my former social circle was riddled with. I grieved that loss, was angry that I had to lose that, and he didn't..but I feel that I've now gotten to a place that is more condusive for my emotional recovery.