May Be ending the A

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
May Be ending the A
2
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 3:27pm
Hi everyone, I have posted on here in the past. Last time was the fall, had 8-1/2 weeks NC with MM. It was his doing not mine. It was so emotionally draining for me, I went the gammit from crying my eyes out, to being depressed, to getting angry ... then ... he called again.

So fast forward to today, we've still been seeing each other regularly. But I think my feelings changed alot after that time. I tried to harden my heart against him in case it happened again.

Which it did, the last 2 weeks was NC again. Of course, he got ahold of me and apologized, there were business trips involved, etc. But still, it hurts.

But like a lovesick cow, I went and saw him today anyways. Am I pathetic or what?

I don't know how I feel anymore. I used to feel estatic when he would say he was coming over, my heart would be doing summersaults. But this time, I was curiously not that excited.

The time we were together was very nice and I think he got it that I was disappointed in the last couple of weeks. And he was a little more affectionate today than usual.

But still, why do I just feel like crying right now? Usually I am on cloud 9 after I see him.

This is the first time this have ever happened in the over 2 years I've been seeing him. That I just don't have the happy feeling.

Maybe my heart is trying to tell me its time to end it? On the one hand I think maybe, but on the other, I just don't know if I could stand not hearing/seeing him again.

I just don't know. Would appreciate hearing how anyone else decided it was time.

Dusty
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 4:03pm
Dusty:

A very good friend of mine (who knows about my affair) once told me something... "confusion is when fantasy starts to meet reality"

You sound like you are waking up to reality and your affair isn't working for you any more. Once you start getting that 'ugh' feeling, it is hard to go back to some blissful state with your affair. If nothing else, it sounds like you are at least at the beginning of the end. Try to look at those feelings in a positive way... as in, you have now grown beyond what this relationship has to offer and there are bigger and better things waiting for you in the wings.

I think it is when we try to resist those feelings like you are having that we end up in the excruciating pain that most of us have been going through. Take your gut instinct and pay attention to it. If you are strong enough to do that, I think you will minimize your pain.

Good luck to you.

Bird

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 5:27pm
I agree so much with the previous poster, Dusty. I just ended my A 6 weeks ago and it still feels good to remind myself of the reasons I ended it over and over. And it was much like what the previous poster said about fantasy meeting reality. I was having alot of fun with OMM, but he was running around getting divorced and renting an apartment for us to live in together. Now I loved this man, I truly did. He gave me goosebumps and just the sound of his voice could turn me on. Plus, we were so emotionally intimate. It all felt great. But after 2 years together, I couldn't help but notice there were some areas where we weren't tremendously compatible and as time went on they became more troubling. The biggest was probably that he just wasn't very bright. He wasn't like stupid or anything, but I'm a professional and have an advanced degree and well. . . he doesn't. Now I don't have any problem with anyone's educational level, but before I can promise to spend the rest of my life with someone I have to question whether we're going to be on the same page intellectually. Of course during our affair we never really had to test this one out. In real life, I have a feeling it would have been a different story.

The excitement came from all the things that made our relationship an "A" rather than a marriage - the wonderful sex, the secretiveness, the hiding. And of course, DUH we weren't doing the things married people do; we weren't paying bills together, raising kids, taking care of a house or sharing a bathroom. So of course its going to seem so romantic.

The other big red flag to me that it was time to end the A was the sudden realization that although I kept talking about moving on with OMM, I truly didn't want to end my marriage. I knew I had to do some real soul searching before I made any changes or ended the marriage since there was obviously still something there. Once I realized that I didn't want to end the marriage, well, it just became selfish to stay in the A. I felt tremendously guilty and knew I had to let him get on with his life.

Its so hard to know when you're ready to end it, but I think you will know. Although I miss OMM dearly, I CAN stop myself my contacting him because I know its the best thing for both of us. Best of luck to you!

mo 7-18-10