May Be's

Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
May Be's
Fri, 08-24-2012 - 9:28am

In another post today I mentioned the MAY BE’S

We all know what they are; I define them as what goes through our minds.  It’s how we justify our crazy thoughts.  That’s what they are. Justifications of CRAZY thoughts.

With so many of our new people going through it, and some of our older posters having a hard time it just comes to my mind that we should discuss it and maybe someone will make eye/mind opening statement that will live in hallowed place. 

Another reason I have been thinking about it, I had a bad case yesterday and this week.

This has been an emotional week for me.  (Yes, Men have them too.)

It was Wedding Anniversary week, and some of you may wonder why it make any difference to me,  but we all have things that we hang onto, that defy reason.  Makes no sense.  This started me with the MAY BE’S.

Yesterday was another anniversary day for me.  One and a half years, 78 weeks of No Contact.  I am a tweener, supper-tweener, Vet, SuperVet and everything all rolled into one. 

Healed???  No!        Indifferent???  No!      Still give too much thought???  Yes! 

I know I give too much thought to it because I still come here, I still read every post, and I still try to do my best giving my thoughts about fantasy, reality, getting out of the mess that we have put ourselves into.

I have been out long enough that I shouldn’t care anymore.  I should be moving on. 

“May be” I should be able to do things that others can’t do.  The thought continues, “May be” I should test myself. 

Yesterday was also HER birthday.  Warning, triggers can happen anytime.  Even this far into NC.  It was a “May be” day. 

I’m glad it is over.  No, I didn’t.  I admit I wanted to.  It was tough.  I thought it through. 

What would happen?  Would I really want her back?  What if?  Was I crazy?  Could I get through the day? 

Well it’s a new day.  The May Be’s are all still lingering.  I am not going to be a fool.  I am not going to throw away a year and a half.  It took me longer than that, to just get started on this period of NC.  I am doing this for me.  ME! 

So the question is, what can we do to get rid of the “MAY BE’S”???

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Fri, 08-24-2012 - 9:47am

Mornin' RBM

I'm sorry you've had such a trigger-some week.  I'll thank my lucky stars, if you don't mind, that you've got enough time under your belt to know what do to stay alive and well when up against a trigger (or two) and staring down the barrel...rather than just pulling it.

For me, any kind of MAY BE, after I've followed it through in my mind..all the way through to the outcome, like you apparently did and as everyone should, would end up MAY BE NOTHIN'.  That's the only way that I can see of getting rid of the MAY BEs.

I think throughout life we can have MAY BEs...MAY BE if I had continuing playing piano, MAY BE if I had taken that other job...MAY BE IF I hadn't robbed that liquor store...

The MAY BEs of life...we all got 'em.  I'll stick with MAY BE I'm here because I'm suppose to be.

I hope your MAY BEs smooth out.




iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011
Fri, 08-24-2012 - 6:43pm

First off give your phone a kiss right on its app...the one that lets you know you have reached such a milestone. it is a huge, glossary-defying amount of time in my frame of reference. Then, give yourself a hug with cyber-reinforcements from all us who have heard and felt (ouch) and been helped by your words. You are so thoughtful towards others always, and your thoughtfulness seems to have been your own ally during this trigger-happy week.

I love that you thought things through and made it out on your own clear thinking. I am sad, however, for the time that it all still takes out of your life. I think about this a lot, after 4 months and still feel like I am living with a ghost. What is going on upstairs in us? On the way home tonight I thought, well, the human mind does have finite limits, to memory and to what it pays attention to.If that's true then I think our best defense is replacement. We've sen that in the early days, but that helps us to keep from breaking NC. Now, I am not about to break NC but I am sure as hell getting tired of carrying this 200 lb guy around. So I am going to try to replace him even more, with other things, as well as the boards.

In answer to the maybe question, if I understand it correctly, I would answer the May Be questions with "who might it hurt?" If there is a live body whose name would answer that question, then you already know it's not the right direction for you to take. It might be xAP, a relative, and mainly a RBM - anyone! And you have come way too far too ever want to put anyone in a hurtful situation, especially you. So if the May be X, could hurt someone named Y, class dismissed.

Lots of hugs RBM, keep strong and I know already that you will.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
Fri, 08-24-2012 - 9:49pm
Hi, RBM. It's RTG. Back again, as expected, but this time for good. XAP and I thought for sure we could stay friends. But, no surprise, H was against that idea or any form of contact at all. Since I'm "this close" to losing my M, guess now is the time to make NC stick. Apparently, narrowly missing being on the receiving end of the D papers was enough to make me straighten up. But, it took this to make me stop contact and stop hurting my H for the millionth time?! A's are insanity. In hindsight only can we truely appreciate this. No MAY BE's for RTG. Like you have always said, it's a fight for your life. Life as I know it will be over if I ever screw up again. But I miss him. There I said it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2012
Mon, 08-27-2012 - 7:16am

For me the maybes are synonymous with uncertainty. Uncertain about who I am, what I want, why did I do it. Why, why, why. Too many whys and way too complex to answer all of them. It is human nature to strive towards self actualising, to be the best we can be. Engaging in an A shakes that quest to its core. Most here are at a certain stage in our life cycle and the A's when they end sends us into an existential crisis or maybe we were in them before we began the A. Maybe, maybe, maybe.....


So yes for me the maybes are clothed in uncertainty, but the one certain I do have and I have learned this from you RBM is that I can never test myself. Maybe the maybes exist to give us that one certainty we need to strive forward. The certainty will be unique to each of us. Keep moving forward RBM, the crisis will pass, maybe when you least expect it to


Sunny Soon Xxx






iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2009
Mon, 08-27-2012 - 7:40am

Thanks Sunny for bumping this up, or I would have missed it!

Gosh, I for one have to say that I am GLAD you are not healed, because if you were - we would no longer get to follow your progress, or recieve your words of wisdom and your great support. (bit selfish right???!!!)

I do feel you are being to hard on yourself - birthdays are a tough trigger, milestones of NC are also a trigger. Even though even though on the 7th of every month, I think WOW another month has gone - its a day with reflection. The May Be's, the What could have beens. I can see myself back in the A, and I can imagine what I would have done for his birthday, I would imagine, I was doing something creative for him, that I had given lots of though. BUT - I would then spend the rest of the day, thinking about his girlfriend getting to spend the day with him, his family getting to see him and celebrate him. While I would be feeling left out and lonely because the man I love (???) isn't spending that special day with me.

This is what keeps me on the path to healing, it's the flipside of the coin, with every moment we shared, there was more moment of not sharing, not communicating, no being able to be there for eachother. It would never change unless we both made changes, and would destroy my family. The innocent victims. Could I do that for my own happiness - NEVER! Do I feel I may have missed out on something special - a little. Do I feel lucky I didn't destroy innocent lives - VERY VERT VERY.

The may be's, the could have beens, will always be there - not just revolving around your xAP - its a part of life. We will never know if we choise the right path, but we will know if we chose a path that FEELS RIGHT. I have a feeling you chose the path you feel suits your personality,  your life style, and suits how much drama you can tollerate. So did I.

I'm pretty sure you know all this already, your incredibly smart, and wise and know whats up and down, but I just wanted to let you know - we are here - and listening, and learing, and feeling what you are going through.

Thanks for giving an sight into your life right now




Every recovery is a kind of rebirth
Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Mon, 08-27-2012 - 7:50am

Thank you all for the wise words in your responses.  I gain everytime I read.

I sometimes wonder, amazed at how easy it should be, and how we all take it differently. 

Some things I am so sure about.  They keep me safe and moving on.

Thanks again.


We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Mon, 08-27-2012 - 4:55pm
I'm glad you see you jump right in. I meant to officially invite you to...not that people need to be officially, but should have encouraged you to join in.

Gotta love folks who don't need a written invitation :smileyhappy:


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2011
Mon, 08-27-2012 - 7:58pm
RBM, as usual your post really resonated with me. I was in "Triggerland" last week. Driving through his (former) city on our way to our family vacation, which is not far from where his family vacations (often the same week). I spent the back Saturday thinking about him. Essentially "how can I out so we can be friends again. Maybe if I x,y or z......"

Maybe, maybe, maybe.

No. I can't. I won't.