May help to read these....

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2004
May help to read these....
Fri, 11-26-2004 - 4:42pm

Found this today in my search to keep NC:

Married with children and a mistress
Do married men leave their wives for their mistresses?

The answer is "sometimes". But general experience is that mostly they promise to do so but never follow through when it comes to the final crunch.

But, despite the odds being against it, many women still have affairs with married men, some very long lasting.

And many live in hope that he will leave his wife -- one day.

DEAR VAL: I'm in love with my co-worker (he's married with two children). We've been seeing each other for a year and love being with each other. We spend time talking on the phone, going to movies, dinners and simply sharing our deepest thoughts. He's told me he's never felt this way before (he says he was married very young for other reasons than love). The problem is his wife found out. He told her he was in love with me but she decided to forgive him as long as he didn't see me any more. He's still seeing me and says I'm in his life forever and he'll never stop loving me. But he won't leave his wife and be with me because he loves his kids and says that would devastate them. I don't want to ruin anyone's life, especially mine, but he doesn't want to make any decision and it's driving me crazy. I want to be either left alone or loved all the way. I'd add he's very flirtatious and gives a lot of attention to other women at the workplace also.

-- TRAPPED, TORONTO

DEAR TRAPPED: A lot of mistresses reading your letter will no doubt wince as yours is a familiar situation. Woman falls in love with a married man, he says he loves her and her only and when the crunch comes (the wife finds out usually) he doesn't follow through. Many married men start affairs thinking they'll just have a bit of fun and nooky on the side, find they've fallen in love (or say they have) and things start to get complicated. Especially if the mistress wants them to leave home (and most do) and they find they simply don't want to or can't bring themselves to make such a drastic move. Mistresses then have to decide whether or not they're going to waste their life waiting for that unlikely event or decide to cut their losses and move on to a more beneficial situation. So it is your decision, not his. Your last line is disturbing as it shows you're worrying whether he's a serial philanderer. It's possible and is bad news if you're looking for a secure future as even if he did leave his wife, he might do the same to you.

DEAR VAL: I've been married for 12 years and have known my wife for 20 years. When we met in our teens it took several years for her to agree to have sex and our sex life since then has been quiet and unimaginative. I began to feel I was poor looking and a lousy lay but four years ago I fell off the fidelity wagon with a young woman who made me feel attractive and sexy again. There were a couple more after her and then I developed a friendship with married colleague at work which turned into a passionate love affair. We have a fabulous sex life and we love each other very much. She left her husband three years ago and I promised to leave my family (I have two young children). But I know I cannot be a part-time father and although my wife is a lousy lover she's a great friend. I finally told my mistress I couldn't leave and expected her to end it. She didn't. I'm willing to keep the relationship going but feel badly she's put her life on hold for me. Should I break it off (we work at the same place) or wait for her to end it and just enjoy what we have?

-- STUCK, HAMILTON

DEAR STUCK: You should feel badly. You obviously have found that having affairs with eager young women boosts your ego and sexual self-esteem and probably this current affair won't be the last one you have. But it was, as you know, cruel and unpleasant of you to tell your mistress you'd leave your wife for her when you knew you couldn't do it. It does, however, take two to tango and since affairs with married fathers are often dead end, your mistress knew she was taking a risk with her emotional future. So it's up to her what she wants to do with her life - whether to stay with you and enjoy the passion for an uncertain future or move on to better things. If you're honest about feeling badly about the pain you're causing her, then you should take the initiative and end it firmly and finally.

WHAT DID I DO?

Any woman contemplating an affair with a married man with kids has to realize there's a high risk they'll be the one that's hurt in the end, despite all his promises. Yes, I know many do leave home but then reality strikes. Daily life with a man who has been through or is going through an acrimonious divorce and still has an angry ex-wife and kids in his life often isn't quite the thrill and bliss the mistress had in mind.