One weekend I tried to call him, 2 times, and I never do that, cause I was having a hard time with the whole A thing and just wanted to talk and he never answered his phone nor did he try and get away from his W to call me back. That was the last straw!!!!! He probably thought I was out drinking with my friends and was phoning him to bug him about getting out to meet me. That was not the case. The first time I phoned was on Friday at 8:00 and I walking my dog, took my cell phone with me. Second time was Saturday night about 10:30 when I was alone. SO, that was IT and that was a month ago, It is so over. He knew that was the last straw. Never got an apology or nothing from him. He thinks, like the other times when I ended it, that I will give in. NOT this time. I hate him. He put me throught H*ll for one year with sh*t like that!!!!! Ya, I'm bitter.
He WAS married when I allowed myself into this entire mess!
He IS still married 6 years later!
He WILL always be MARRIED!
My main reason was SELF-WORTH .....facing my own reality of disliking the person I had become during my 6 year affair! I don't need a MM to validate me, to make me feel good about myself and life in general because I can (and I am) doing very well on my own!
When I realized the depth of my feelings for my DH. I thought our marriage was pretty much over and I was planning to move forward with my XMM. But thru some individual counseling, DH and I both started working on our own issues, and the next thing we knew, we were getting along so much better. That's when I realized that I wasn't being fair to anyone by taking up XMM's time in an A. XMM wanted to marry me and I knew that I couldn't make that promises while I still had a even the tiniest feelings left for DH. So I ended the A, because your heart can't be in two different places. Love, Mo.
My xMM and I had gotten into a gut-wrenching pattern of him ending it, me tearfully accepting it, and then he'd be back a few hours, days or weeks later. It went on like that for two years. Finally, the emotional turmoil of being in an A, plus his constant coming and going pushed me over the edge.
I decided that our relationship either needed to be a real relationship, or over. I made him choose. He went back to his wife so fast it made my head spin. That was my final wake-up call. It was the positive proof I needed that this whole thing was not real, it was never going to be real, and I had almost screwed up the only REAL thing in my life -- my marriage.
I only wish I had done it sooner so I could be further along in my recovery. Lesson well-learned!
Shel0815 -- please tell me if when you were involved with your xMM, were you convinced that you were in love with him and were ready to leave your H? My H is at this point and I think he loves me still and is trying to work this out in therapy but it is so hard for me because he is still somewhat distant with me and his loving feelings ect are all for her..(his EA partner-who I am not sure feels the same for him as if so this would have already been a full blown A) I love him and I am willing to hang in there to try and work this out because prior to this we were "great" and I know what some would say -well if everything was so great then why_ as that is the question I keep asking my self and him- neither of us have the answer except to say that its about him and his issues that he is now trying to deal with in counseling (only on session so far so progress is a ways off). I am really struggling with this and although you are a woman and women think differently then men about this stuff it would be helpful to hear your thoughts as I am so hopefull hearing that you are happily back with your H. Also how did your H cope with all of this --he had to have felt a difference from you. Any feedback would be appreciated.
Yes, I am ashamed to say that I was utterly, hopelessly in love with my xMM and wanted to have a life with him. That's what truly ended our A.
He expressed similar sentiments, he echoed my feelings that we "fit" and we were perfect for each other. So, I put his love to the test and I made him choose. He did not choose me. That shone a brilliant light on our ugly little affair. It was my serious wake-up call.
Thankfully my husband doesn't know for sure that I was unfaithful. He has his inklings, but he never had definite proof. He responded to my coldness with extra tenderness and tried to show more affection. I'm glad he doesn't know about my affair. I don't know that he would have been forgiving, and then I would have lost what truly mattered.
I do love my husband very much. He's a good man, and even when I was contemplating leaving him, I really didn't want to hurt him. He never deserved that.
I can honestly say that before I met my xMM, my marriage was really good. We took great trips, had an active sex life, we spent a lot of time together, we usually communicate well. He became very involved in his job, I became a second priority and frankly, I went looking for -- and FOUND -- some attention. Next time, I'll just tell him that he's spending too much time at work!
Personally, I think I was more in love with my xMM than he was with me. I think he was more in love with the affair. That's pure speculation on my part. I only know that he didn't really want me when he had the choice.
If your husband is even willing to try, that is a good sign in your favor. Good luck with the counseling, it helped me figure out a lot. And keep fighting for your man!
I could've written your last post Shel. Same thing happened to me...thought I wanted to be with exMM forever...he expressed similar thoughts...but when it came right down to it, he wanted to stay with his W and kid. He didn't really love me.
That hurt...b/c I thought I was in love with him...but looking back, I know it was infatuation. I couldn't truly love someone under those circumstances.
My H is a wonderful man, and loves me unconditionally. He can give me what exMM never could, or would.
I am glad I didn't lose my H for a man who wasn't worth the emotional investment that I made in him. All he brought me was heartache.
Wow! Seems like a common theme here with these A's. I ended mine 3 months ago b/c his W got suspicious after seeing us a little too close and he started doing backflips to woo her back. If his cell rang and it was her, he was outta there. I couldn't do it anymore and that was that. Well, fast forward 2 months and we start talking again. We're social friends with him and W so we're bound to run into eachother.
For a month, we talked here and there, shared a couple of kisses but no IC and of course we used the L word. Then at a party he was the doting hubby with W with me around. I even walk outside to see he and W kissing on the porch. He tells me later that it was just a show...right! I ask what he wants out of this and he says that it doesn't matter since I will never leave H anyway that he loves ME. I say- you love her too though and he says- I love YOU.
Then, the topper is we are alone and have a chance to be together. His W went out with some friends. He's leaving town the next day on business. He drinks excessively then becomes seriously jealous b/c W is with a divorced male friend who happens to be a player when he thinks she should be home with him before he leaves for 3 weeks. So, here he is alone with me but won't talk b/c he's so jealous. That was when I realized that I didn't mean as much to him as I thought. I have a good H at home that would do anything for me that loved me unconditionally and here I was with this jerk. What in the hell was I doing? I told him that he would never give me what I needed and that it was over. He said fine. He probably doesn't even remember the conversation due to his alcohol consumption...lol.
He's been out of town and will return this weekend. I know I'll see him b/c of Halloween festivities. Should be interesting. I need to stay strong.
I knew it was time to start ending my A when I realized that he wasn't as into me as he used to be. The whole thing started because he gave me the attention that I craved, without that it was just me chasing him which definitely wasn't going to work. When I reazlied that the calls were only going one way and only one of us were yearning to see the other I started feeling neglected, a feeling you shouldn't feel from the OM. I realized that the one I was with was dying to give me the attention I needed, while the one I had yearned to feel it from had faded away slowly. It was so painful but in the end I know that its best because me chasing him just will not work, and him giving me attention because I am taking mine away is a love game I am not willing to play.
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Posie
Your story?
He WAS married when I allowed myself into this entire mess!
He IS still married 6 years later!
He WILL always be MARRIED!
My main reason was SELF-WORTH .....facing my own reality of disliking the person I had become during my 6 year affair! I don't need a MM to validate me, to make me feel good about myself and life in general because I can (and I am) doing very well on my own!
I decided that our relationship either needed to be a real relationship, or over. I made him choose. He went back to his wife so fast it made my head spin. That was my final wake-up call. It was the positive proof I needed that this whole thing was not real, it was never going to be real, and I had almost screwed up the only REAL thing in my life -- my marriage.
I only wish I had done it sooner so I could be further along in my recovery. Lesson well-learned!
He expressed similar sentiments, he echoed my feelings that we "fit" and we were perfect for each other. So, I put his love to the test and I made him choose. He did not choose me. That shone a brilliant light on our ugly little affair. It was my serious wake-up call.
Thankfully my husband doesn't know for sure that I was unfaithful. He has his inklings, but he never had definite proof. He responded to my coldness with extra tenderness and tried to show more affection. I'm glad he doesn't know about my affair. I don't know that he would have been forgiving, and then I would have lost what truly mattered.
I do love my husband very much. He's a good man, and even when I was contemplating leaving him, I really didn't want to hurt him. He never deserved that.
I can honestly say that before I met my xMM, my marriage was really good. We took great trips, had an active sex life, we spent a lot of time together, we usually communicate well. He became very involved in his job, I became a second priority and frankly, I went looking for -- and FOUND -- some attention. Next time, I'll just tell him that he's spending too much time at work!
Personally, I think I was more in love with my xMM than he was with me. I think he was more in love with the affair. That's pure speculation on my part. I only know that he didn't really want me when he had the choice.
If your husband is even willing to try, that is a good sign in your favor. Good luck with the counseling, it helped me figure out a lot. And keep fighting for your man!
I could've written your last post Shel. Same thing happened to me...thought I wanted to be with exMM forever...he expressed similar thoughts...but when it came right down to it, he wanted to stay with his W and kid. He didn't really love me.
That hurt...b/c I thought I was in love with him...but looking back, I know it was infatuation. I couldn't truly love someone under those circumstances.
My H is a wonderful man, and loves me unconditionally. He can give me what exMM never could, or would.
I am glad I didn't lose my H for a man who wasn't worth the emotional investment that I made in him. All he brought me was heartache.
For a month, we talked here and there, shared a couple of kisses but no IC and of course we used the L word. Then at a party he was the doting hubby with W with me around. I even walk outside to see he and W kissing on the porch. He tells me later that it was just a show...right! I ask what he wants out of this and he says that it doesn't matter since I will never leave H anyway that he loves ME. I say- you love her too though and he says- I love YOU.
Then, the topper is we are alone and have a chance to be together. His W went out with some friends. He's leaving town the next day on business. He drinks excessively then becomes seriously jealous b/c W is with a divorced male friend who happens to be a player when he thinks she should be home with him before he leaves for 3 weeks. So, here he is alone with me but won't talk b/c he's so jealous. That was when I realized that I didn't mean as much to him as I thought. I have a good H at home that would do anything for me that loved me unconditionally and here I was with this jerk. What in the hell was I doing? I told him that he would never give me what I needed and that it was over. He said fine. He probably doesn't even remember the conversation due to his alcohol consumption...lol.
He's been out of town and will return this weekend. I know I'll see him b/c of Halloween festivities. Should be interesting. I need to stay strong.
Emotion
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