maybe have my explanation
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| Tue, 09-07-2010 - 1:48pm |
I think maybe I have the explanation that I have been so desperately looking for.
I have been doing a lot of reading and research trying to figure out my pain, why everything happened and in doing so I think I discovered what I was dealing with in xap.
After reading so much info on this. I really believe he is suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. He has every trait listed.
In love relationships they go through 3 stages: The Vulnerable Seducer Phase, The Clinger Phase and The Hater Phase.
They come on very strong. Quick intense involvement,premature conversations about living together. I had never felt so close to someone so quick. He started talking about moving in together about 2 mos. into the relationship.
In the clinger phase they need your constant reassurance that your not going to leave them. They are terrified of being alone. He asked over and over if I would be there for him. That he didn't want me to give up on him.
Then in the hater phase they push you away. Once they know they have you they no longer want you. They will either just abandon you or find faults and reason to push you away. The thing they say they want most which is love is the thing they can't handle.
That is just a little bit of info on someone with BPD.
There were so many other traits that he had. I felt like I was reading about my relationship.
The psychologists say someone involved with someone with BPD for even a short time is left feeling like they have been involved in a hit and run accident.
I feel like I now have so many answers. I also know I will never get answers from him because he doesn't understand it himself. BPD's have very little remorse or empathy.
Now I have to deal with the problems with myself and why this man was so enticing to me. I have always been drawn to the mysterious,troubled types in movies and books. For example: Heathcliff in Wuthering Heights, Max in Rebecca, the Phantom in Phantom of the Opera. Because the chances of the BPD coming back around are great. And I don't think I could mentally survive going through this with him again.
This was not just me looking for any explanation. I found this info by accident and couldn't believe the similarities.

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Willow,
I’m glad you believe you have an explanation for his behavior.
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I agree this is the most important thing to focus on.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
I do realize his adoration of me and his seemingly need to be rescued filled my emptiness. I have never felt so needed before. I had never had a man be so emotionally open before. I also knew early on from things he said he had issues but I didn't realize to what extent. But I certainly chose to overlook them.
I counted “I” nine times in that brief post. That is a very good sign Willow!
I’m not saying you will be coasting all downhill from here. I won’t mislead you with such a statement. However, you are no longer at the crossroads. You have chosen a road and it is the one of introspection and healing. All I can say is welcome and we will be here to support you and help you through all the rough spots.
RL is keeping me hopping in positive way! You have my email address if you need me and I’m not around these parts of IV. I do try to check my email regularly even when I’m not on EAS.
Much love and big hugs,
E1
Whether you think you can or you think you can’t you are probably right.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
You scared me. When I read I counted "I" nine times in that post, I thought you were about to scold me. haha
Thanks for your encouragement and support. I agree with you I know I won't be coasting downhill from now on. But I do feel a great weight lifted.
I am sure I will be emailing at some point, I have a long way to go.
I know what you are saying...I have been doing a lot of reading too.
I was just re-reading this post and I felt the same way about my X.
And yes I think I needed to understand him to understand my attraction to him and what I got out of the relationship.
Thank you so much! I am so glad my post helped you a little.
I agree with you why does the problem always have to be us. He came into my life when I had lost so much and it was wonderful to have someone who cared. I also had a hard time trusting him, but after his repeatedly asking me to open up and let him in and see what happened. I let all my defenses down, and yes that was a huge mistake.
That is what I have had such a hard time dealing with how the loving,caring man I knew seemed to just drop off the face of the earth, and could cruelly ignore me. And maybe it is wrong but I felt like I needed to understand that kind of behavior. I have always been interested in what causes people to act the way they do. If it had of been a friend going through this I would still be trying to figure out why her xap acted the way he did.
I am also not of the opinion that just lumps an affair into one category. Every A involves unique people in unique situations. I am sure there will be those who disagree but I never felt he was in it just for the physical aspect, and here I go "diagnosing" but people with the disorder I believe he has use sex as a way to get their emotional needs met, they don't use like a lot of men in A's the emotional aspect to get sex.
I feel so much for you. The way I am feeling after only 4 mos. of the A, I can't imagine what it must be like getting over and no longer having your xap in your life after 10 yrs.
I have want to understand, or try to understand why people do what they do.
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