maybe have my explanation

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2010
maybe have my explanation
41
Tue, 09-07-2010 - 1:48pm

I think maybe I have the explanation that I have been so desperately looking for.
I have been doing a lot of reading and research trying to figure out my pain, why everything happened and in doing so I think I discovered what I was dealing with in xap.

After reading so much info on this. I really believe he is suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. He has every trait listed.
In love relationships they go through 3 stages: The Vulnerable Seducer Phase, The Clinger Phase and The Hater Phase.
They come on very strong. Quick intense involvement,premature conversations about living together. I had never felt so close to someone so quick. He started talking about moving in together about 2 mos. into the relationship.
In the clinger phase they need your constant reassurance that your not going to leave them. They are terrified of being alone. He asked over and over if I would be there for him. That he didn't want me to give up on him.
Then in the hater phase they push you away. Once they know they have you they no longer want you. They will either just abandon you or find faults and reason to push you away. The thing they say they want most which is love is the thing they can't handle.
That is just a little bit of info on someone with BPD.
There were so many other traits that he had. I felt like I was reading about my relationship.
The psychologists say someone involved with someone with BPD for even a short time is left feeling like they have been involved in a hit and run accident.
I feel like I now have so many answers. I also know I will never get answers from him because he doesn't understand it himself. BPD's have very little remorse or empathy.
Now I have to deal with the problems with myself and why this man was so enticing to me. I have always been drawn to the mysterious,troubled types in movies and books. For example: Heathcliff in Wuthering Heights, Max in Rebecca, the Phantom in Phantom of the Opera. Because the chances of the BPD coming back around are great. And I don't think I could mentally survive going through this with him again.
This was not just me looking for any explanation. I found this info by accident and couldn't believe the similarities.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Wed, 09-08-2010 - 10:01pm

DANG,

YOU ALL SANG KOOM BAY YAH w/o me!!! and I know that is probably spelled wrong but who cares we are singing....yeah!!!

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Thu, 09-09-2010 - 10:25am

HA! And I thought your first words to me would be: “Who are you callin human condition challenged?!”



LOL, E1...we both just had to address the same issue and apparently at the same time.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Thu, 09-09-2010 - 11:54am

Willow I really want to apologize if you think I single you out. We tend to be very sensitive when newly out of an A but later realize that we weren't seeing clearly. Give it time and you will see. Greeneyed_p, the first two session of T, my T told me to explain how I gave myself permission to have an A. I left her office mad thinking what in the world was she talking about. After some deep meditating and introspection I realized where my entitlement issues began and where they came from. In your case you being single, I think it's really important to ask yourself why you isolated yourself from an opportunity to meet a guy who isn't a liar and cheats on his W. Why from day one you gave yourself permission to be a third wheel in his M. Even if he started sharing his deep, dark secrets with you, why was it OK with you. Why were you OK being his girlfriend and yet being such a small portion of his life? Weren't you curious about his children? Didn't you want to spend Christmas morning with the man you love? Why did you settle for not spending the holidays with the man you shared so much with? Why did you give yourself permission to be his T? These are the kinds of questions that if you honestly answer them you will see that the answer for why this A happened is within you. It's not about him because he is already committed to another woman. If you are ever to have a healthy relationship with a man you don't have to hide out with you have to do some real soul searching. I know it's scary and hard to see our authentic selves. It's easy to say that we fell into something such as an A because it stops us from doing the real work to determine what is wrong with us and be forced to fix it.



This is not an attack against you. I was so messed up for so many years and I constantly made excuses for my behavior. My A made me look at my ugly side and I am fixing it. My AP had nothing to do with my disgusting behavior. My AP could have been any man who was a skrewed up as I was. I don't know if you are in T but I highly recommend it. You would be surprised at how much better you will feel about yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Thu, 09-09-2010 - 12:02pm

"My AP had nothing to do with my disgusting behavior. My AP could have been any man who was a skrewed up as I was. I don't know if you are in T but I highly recommend it. You would be surprised at how much better you will feel about yourself."

I could not agree more with this statement. I had flirted with other men before xAP, same goes for my xAP who flirted with everyone. When we met, it was the perfect disaster because it was probably just the first time for both of us someone was equally as willing to flush their lives down the drain but pretend it wasn't all that 'bad'- because we weren't ever going to "intentionally" break one another's families up.

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Thu, 09-09-2010 - 12:29pm

(snicker) you said, "rooted in childhood".
the Aussies are losing it right now.

;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Thu, 09-09-2010 - 12:51pm

HA!



You know me too darn well!

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Thu, 09-09-2010 - 3:40pm

TU and MOM,

you all are making me have to write a whole let less today....you are on point. Thanks for saving me some time today,

Willow,

Please think about and read and then re-read what these ladies are saying to you. It is essential you take these things in and really have an open mind and think about Mom's questions. Answer them to yourself. I already can see progress in you....lets keep it coming. You have made it this far already. A wave of healing is just about to come in....really.

Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2010
Thu, 09-09-2010 - 6:49pm

Dang it

New Choices, New Chapter,


New Challenges,

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Thu, 09-09-2010 - 7:37pm

That Dee she is a dag!



Wait till you see what you missed on the board while you were catching a zed. There was some whinges and some threw a wobbly cause they were a frog in a sock.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2010
Thu, 09-09-2010 - 7:59pm
Dare I ask.... i can be sooooooooooo slow..Doh.. i just figured it out.... do you guys have Snickers??



New Choices, New Challenges, New Commitment



NC since

New Choices, New Chapter,


New Challenges,