maybe have my explanation

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2010
maybe have my explanation
41
Tue, 09-07-2010 - 1:48pm

I think maybe I have the explanation that I have been so desperately looking for.
I have been doing a lot of reading and research trying to figure out my pain, why everything happened and in doing so I think I discovered what I was dealing with in xap.

After reading so much info on this. I really believe he is suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. He has every trait listed.
In love relationships they go through 3 stages: The Vulnerable Seducer Phase, The Clinger Phase and The Hater Phase.
They come on very strong. Quick intense involvement,premature conversations about living together. I had never felt so close to someone so quick. He started talking about moving in together about 2 mos. into the relationship.
In the clinger phase they need your constant reassurance that your not going to leave them. They are terrified of being alone. He asked over and over if I would be there for him. That he didn't want me to give up on him.
Then in the hater phase they push you away. Once they know they have you they no longer want you. They will either just abandon you or find faults and reason to push you away. The thing they say they want most which is love is the thing they can't handle.
That is just a little bit of info on someone with BPD.
There were so many other traits that he had. I felt like I was reading about my relationship.
The psychologists say someone involved with someone with BPD for even a short time is left feeling like they have been involved in a hit and run accident.
I feel like I now have so many answers. I also know I will never get answers from him because he doesn't understand it himself. BPD's have very little remorse or empathy.
Now I have to deal with the problems with myself and why this man was so enticing to me. I have always been drawn to the mysterious,troubled types in movies and books. For example: Heathcliff in Wuthering Heights, Max in Rebecca, the Phantom in Phantom of the Opera. Because the chances of the BPD coming back around are great. And I don't think I could mentally survive going through this with him again.
This was not just me looking for any explanation. I found this info by accident and couldn't believe the similarities.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Thu, 09-09-2010 - 8:18pm

We have a Snickers candy bars but it probably means something else in the land of Oz.



Enlighten me please!



Big hugs,



E1



Whether you think you can or you think you can’t you are probably right.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2010
Fri, 09-10-2010 - 4:09am

Nah, dont get too excited.... when Dee was doing her Snickering, i just remembered they were Marathon bars when i lived in the UK but Snickers here, obviously the same in US



TU ...I had flirted with other men before xAP, same goes for my xAP who flirted with everyone. When we met, it was the perfect disaster because it was probably just the first time for both of us someone was equally as willing to flush their lives down the drain but pretend it wasn't all that 'bad'- because we weren't ever going to "intentionally" break one another's families up.



BINGO

New Choices, New Chapter,


New Challenges,

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Fri, 09-10-2010 - 8:55am

HA! I’m probably using the lingo wrong. What a gringo I am. I meant Dee was being a dag--- a funny person on this thread as she is in general or Snickering as you put it. But noooo she was not the one who caused anyone to throw a wabbly because they were like a frog in a sock. You’d have to read all the threads from yesterday….yeah you got some cathchin up to do ;p.



I’m cross threading here which I use to do a lot but just wanted to say in reply to your other post that sometimes I use the 24 hour rule when I’m replying to posts.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2010
Sat, 09-11-2010 - 3:49pm

Wow I haven't been on in several days.GP sorry I left you out to dry. I see you have taken some hits. I still agree with you I see nothing wrong with trying to figure out xap's actions also.

Really I had decided I wasn't even going to come back here. I thought I was doing so great when I posted this but have been an emotional wreck the last few days. I just want to forget it all. And sometimes I wonder if coming here and constantly reading about A's doesn't just keep the wounds open. Does anyone else feel this way?

Also GP I wanted to give you the name of the website I found, in my "obsessive" search. It has some good articles on the end of a relationship. I think you will find them helpful even if your xap doesn't have bpd. It is gettinbetter.com.

But aren't we all a little obsessive? Why else would we be here reading and posting everyday? I think if I really wanted to move on. I would have no desire to keep reading about affairs. JMO would like to hear others views of this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sat, 09-11-2010 - 4:10pm

I think coming here everyday, just like attending an AA meeting everyday, especially at the beginning of


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2010
Sat, 09-11-2010 - 4:25pm

I am far from feeling good about my life. I did step back for a few days and no it didn't help.

I am maintaining NC although I pass him usually a couple of times a week and that gets me down for the rest of the day.

I am tired of the whys that go through my mind. Yes I loved the attention. I have never had another man that seemed to adore me as much as he did. I also loved building him up he said I made him feel like a man again, something he hadn't had in a long time. I told him I wanted to heal his broken heart. I guess that was my ego talking. I don't guess another person can heal your heart. Because if that is true he is the only one that could heal mine now and that's not going to happen. So I have to figure out how to heal it on my own. And I don't know how to do that.
Sorry I just rambled there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2010
Sat, 09-11-2010 - 6:46pm

Hi Willow...



All I am going to say is that I agree with you...on all accounts!



Took a break from the board for a few days and found it rather refreshing.



No XAP to tell me what I was thinking and feeling,

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2010
Sat, 09-11-2010 - 7:08pm

I should have read this post you left before responding to the other one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Sat, 09-11-2010 - 9:19pm

GEP,

"and no one on the board to tell me what I am thinking and feeling"

whoa. wait. what?

I am what the fudging you on this comment. It's offensive. Do I need to go into detail as to why?

>:( Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2010
Sun, 09-12-2010 - 8:38am

Hi Dee



No, you don't need to go into details.