maybe have my explanation
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| Tue, 09-07-2010 - 1:48pm |
I think maybe I have the explanation that I have been so desperately looking for.
I have been doing a lot of reading and research trying to figure out my pain, why everything happened and in doing so I think I discovered what I was dealing with in xap.
After reading so much info on this. I really believe he is suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. He has every trait listed.
In love relationships they go through 3 stages: The Vulnerable Seducer Phase, The Clinger Phase and The Hater Phase.
They come on very strong. Quick intense involvement,premature conversations about living together. I had never felt so close to someone so quick. He started talking about moving in together about 2 mos. into the relationship.
In the clinger phase they need your constant reassurance that your not going to leave them. They are terrified of being alone. He asked over and over if I would be there for him. That he didn't want me to give up on him.
Then in the hater phase they push you away. Once they know they have you they no longer want you. They will either just abandon you or find faults and reason to push you away. The thing they say they want most which is love is the thing they can't handle.
That is just a little bit of info on someone with BPD.
There were so many other traits that he had. I felt like I was reading about my relationship.
The psychologists say someone involved with someone with BPD for even a short time is left feeling like they have been involved in a hit and run accident.
I feel like I now have so many answers. I also know I will never get answers from him because he doesn't understand it himself. BPD's have very little remorse or empathy.
Now I have to deal with the problems with myself and why this man was so enticing to me. I have always been drawn to the mysterious,troubled types in movies and books. For example: Heathcliff in Wuthering Heights, Max in Rebecca, the Phantom in Phantom of the Opera. Because the chances of the BPD coming back around are great. And I don't think I could mentally survive going through this with him again.
This was not just me looking for any explanation. I found this info by accident and couldn't believe the similarities.

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Thanks so much gp. I do hope I will find my way. It has helped so much knowing someone else has went through something so similar and also had similar feelings going through.
You don't get much sympathy at the end of an affair. It is looked on as you knew what was going to happen so you deserve what you get. No I never expected this to happen. I never expected for him to start talking about leaving his wife and then certainly never expected the loving, caring person I knew to just disappear and ignore me completely. If I had of expected those things I would never had gotten involved. And believe me everyday I wish I had of thrown that number away after I got home. So I don't think we have to have anyone beat it into our heads that what we were involved with was wrong, I am dealing with the consequences everyday. And yes I guess I am human because I wonder if he is having to deal with anything. He just ran and left me to try to figure out if he was sincere in anything he said.
I understand if you need a break. But I hope you won't stay gone long. You have helped me so much.
Hey Willow ~
I decided to chime in here because I feel that you and GEP have feelings regarding your A experience that match mine.
This is such a difficult thing we are all going through. Since I've started on the board I certainly have felt the same way you and GEP have felt. Some of my experience here has been helpful and some has felt like "bullying" or that I just haven't been understood at all. That nothing is a black/white issue. Very one sided etc.
I don't know anything about either of you or your personal history. I only know mine. But how I am similar to both of you besides the fact that all 3 of us got involved with a MM is this.
After my A ended if felt EXACTLY like you said, I was the victim of a "hit and run" I even told my AP at the time that I felt like I had been "blindsided" by him.
FOR 3 YEARS. 3 YEARS OUT OF MY LIFE, 3 YEARS NOT FULLY ENJOYING MY BEAUTIFUL LITTLE GIRL, THE LIFE I HAVE, 3 YEARS I COULD'VE SPENT AT LEAST TRYING TO HEAL MY MARRIAGE BY BEING FULLY COMMITTED TO THAT PROCESS AND MYSELF.
I became addicted and obsessed with trying to "figure out" my xAP.
So now what are the results? I believe he may be a sociopath. I believe he at the very least is severely narcissistic. And I've learned that people are a "victim" of a person like this are smart, intelligent, caring, good people who had no way to see it coming. Because it's impossible for most people's mind to understand that another human being isn't capable of having empathy or feeling any remorse for what they do. I know I digress a lot here but please stick with me.
Let's say that what I've discovered is true. This is who he is and this is "what happened TO me" Now what? Where did all that obsessive thinking, researching, analyzing of HIM, get me today 3 YEARS LATER??
I'm still left with ME. Unlike you and GEP, I know I have personal issues that go way back. I have always had boundary issues, depression, low self-esteem and have made many self destructive choices in my life. Including the choice to cheat on my H with a MM.
Just word of caution here. You can become obsessed and addicted to figuring this man out. But it won't lead you any where. Don't waste years of you life like I did.
And as far as the line of thinking "I'm human" "I made a mistake" "I don't have to figure myself out"
I've always thought that way too. But I guess you have to look at your XAP and think "HE'S human" "HE made a mistake" "I don't have to figure him out" Not that we ever could or will anyway.
I don't believe taking responsibility for ourselves and admitting that it was our choices that led us here has to equate with beating ourselves up about it. But we can figure ourselves out and once we know better we can choose better.
All this being said, YOU and GEP have the right to feel your feelings and to do whatever you wish to do to help yourselves heal. No one here can tell you what's right and wrong. It's your journey.
But I do hope with all my heart that if you choose to keep looking into why he is the way he is you can learn from it and move on a lot sooner than I did. But for some it can be a terrible trap. Don't fall into it.
Peace and Love to all on their path.
Lilly
Willow
Thank you for your understanding.
Hi Lilly
I do think of XMM in that way.
GEP
I agree with you. It's good to learn what you can so you are protected from getting involved with another "emotional vampire" I hope one never crosses your path again. Here are some books that I've read about this topic. They didn't help me get over it obviously but they are very informative on this topic.
1. Whose Pulling Your Strings? How to Break the Cycle of Manipulation and Regain Control of Your Life
by Harriet Braiker - This book cover Borderline, histrionic, Narcissist all of them! Very informative.
2. The Sociopath Next Door - Martha Stout, Ph.d
3. Emotional Freedom - Judith Orloff
I have felt what you are feeling. My feelings were sincere for my AP. And to make it worse he was my first love. We had a history. I trusted him and I shouldn't have.
We can't understand how or why they would manipulate and lie to us, even though to be involved with us they had to lie and manipulate their W, Family, friends, etc. How delusional could we be?
Hind sight is 20/20. It just sucks no matter how you slice it.
Good luck!
Dang this thread is long. I think it took me two full beers to read it. Anyway, I think a lot of exploring has happened here, but the thing that sticks out most to me is this notion that some people here are bullies. While in the early days of my ending I felt the same way. I would read someone's post and think, "what the hell? They don't know me. What gives them the right to call me out like that and project their own opinions onto me? How can someone who doesn't know me tell me that I have deep seeded issues that I need to work out? Screw you. I don't have issues... oh wait, I totally do." I had those moments a lot. But I kept on reading because everyone comes here for help. If you don't need the help, then you stop coming here I imagine. But what I found, was when I stopped putting up a wall; when I stopped getting defensive; when I stopped to think that everyone posting here has their own life experience to share, I started to digest what people were saying. When someone challenged me, instead of chalking it up to them being a bully, I thought long and hard about what they were saying. And no, I am not a perfect ender. I have not taken all of the advice and tough love dished up to me and made myself into the perfect person. I continually make mistakes- and I make those mistakes because I haven't figured myself out yet. For those on this board who think they have- bravo. It's my personal opinion that we all have a long way to go. And I think my biggest lesson in the past few weeks is learning about boundaries. I became friends with a married man, and that is okay, but I failed to put up boundaries. I let him in. He let me in and each of us made calculated decisions down that path. Why? Well I don't know that yet- that is the next leg of my journey, but it was the bullying/tough love here that helped me realize that no matter what xap did or did not do, or how he acted or what he said, it was still MY choice to ignore boundaries and warning signs. And perhaps I didn't go into it thinking that it would cause so much pain and I still wake up and think, "how the hell did I get here," when I am honest with myself it was because I chose to be here. I didn't just happen to land here. This didn't just happen to me.
Okay, I am rambling, which is probably the result of the beer I just consumed reading this 49 post thread, but i wanted to chime in to say, you don't have to come here. You don't have to post here, but I hope you will because there's a lot of great stuff here. This board has helped me make it over 7 months out. This board has helped me face down a lot of my demons in order to get back on the right path. Without the challenges posed to me here, I'd still be stuck in the "why me? why did this happen to me? phase." And I am not saying anyone posting on this thread is stuck in that place, I just hate to see people made out to be bullies who single-handedly saved my life.
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
This didn't just happen to me.
Jane, THAT is one of the best lines I have ever read
I also agree it can become an obsession. I think I have to a degree become obsessed with trying to find out the reasons. And maybe that is because I don't want to admit maybe it was just me and my fault.
I don't know why I can't believe I can be happy without him. I also don't know why I feel less than. I hesitate to say this because I am so not a conceited person. But I get complimented a lot by men but I never feel like I am pretty enough or good enough. Anyway I said all that to say I don't feel like I have no issues to work on I do. But I also want to understand what has attracted me so much to this guy. And why he was determined to get into my head and heart. And like GEP said I never lied to him or manipulated him. And could have never treated him in this cold hearted way. I can't remember who said it but someone said he is now living his authentic life but I don't believe that for a minute. He is living his life but I don't believe there is anything authentic about it, if the things he told me are true. But I guess that is not my concern. So who in the end is going to be better off, the one who is trying to figure it all out or the xap who just runs and pretends nothing ever happened?
Anyway maybe I should start drinking, it might help me feel better. haha
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