Maybe some clarity coming....
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Maybe some clarity coming....
| Wed, 12-29-2010 - 11:31am |
I just re-read responses to my earlier discussion "Trying to get Out".
| Wed, 12-29-2010 - 11:31am |
I just re-read responses to my earlier discussion "Trying to get Out".
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Sunrise- I am heading to our cabin right now for the weekend, but I can't wait to log on here Monday and find out how awesome you handled New Years Eve day!
Sunrise- Wondering how you are doing? I haven't gone through all the weekend posts yet but at a quick glance, I didn't see anything from you.
I am such a fool.
I just sent him an email.
Hi Sunrise,
((hugs)) to you ... but this is going to be a tough one. Please hear it from a place of care & concern for you. From my perspective, you're in trouble and need a hand extended 0ut to pull you outta the toxic water you are DROWNING in.
So here's my hand out - please take it. And hold on tight.
"But, I want to do these things because its right; not out of anger. But, maybe that's what it takes to get me to do what it takes."
You know, that's just plain silly. The only way to do it - is to END it. GO NC immediately, and who cares if it is from a place of anger. Goddess knows he's given you enough to be angry about - you know what anger is? Anger is a surface emotion telling you THAT SOMETHING VERY WRONG IS GOING ON AND SOMETHING NEEDS TO CHANGE. I fully embrace my anger - when I feel angry, I ask myself where it's coming from, what OTHER emotions need to be addressed - what is the anger trying to get me to do. Anger isn't a "bad" emotion ... it can be uncomfortable, yes - but it can be LIFESAVING. Ask your anger what's really going on - chances are it's HURT, FRUSTRATION, CONFUSION, DISAPPOINTMENT, SHAME, GRIEF ...
I also think all this finger waving at him isn't productive. You weren't a victim here - you went back for more after you were warned as to what to expect. I've been there and done that, and it SUCKS. Your email to him? What's that really about? It comes off as some lame attempt to emotionally engage him, No wonder you feel like a fool ... it's awful when we try and get our (x)APs to give us something - anything, and yet deep down we know those efforts are futile. It's throwing your power away.
You want dignity? You want a sense of power? Then you've got to go through all the steps that each of us have had to do - there are NO shortcuts to ending an affair. It's GO NC, then block & walk and don't look back.
Of course we've all felt what you're feeling - it's why we work so darn hard with newbies to STAY reading and posting when the urge hits to break NC. It's why we URGE posters to develop self-care plans, start taking inventory of ALL THERE IS TO LOSE IF THERE IS A DDAY. Sunrise, YOU have to do more than WANT the madness to end. You have to commit to ending your affair.
"Something else that "pulled" at my heart was this. I have a 22 yr-old daughter and a 19 yr-old daughter. I would never want them to be married to a coward, liar and a cheater. And I would never want them to "settle" for being the OW. To think that either one of those things could happen to them absolutely breaks my heart."
Okay you tried this angle ... how about imaging them being the W of your (x)AP ... because his W is someone's daughter ... someone who herself has hopes and dreams for HER MARRIAGE. You are also being deceitful, & manipulative in YOUR MARRIAGE. EVEN if you had gotten your wish and ended up with this JAM, really sunrise, what prize would you have won? Seriously? This man is NOT the answer to all your troubles - he is part of the problem, he can't be part of the solution. Time to get real with yourself, time to live with dignity, time to put YOUR FAMILY first.
If you don't go NC and END YOUR AFFAIR, than you might as well walk around that family home of yours and kiss everything you hold near and dear good-bye. Life as you know it will be GONE.
Please sunrise, believe YOU ARE WORTH more than this. You are worthy of feeling like someone with the courage to end an affair even when you were scared, even when you were uncertain, and even when you knew it would hurt. Take pride in yourself for the first time in a long while by STOPPING THIS MADNESS.
TU.
Geez TU, are we related?
Sunrise,
Heartache's, Clarity's and TU's words are a lifeline
Sunrise-
Sad to hear what 's been going on. It doesn't matter if your xAP drives a truck, cycle, chariot or el Camino....
AP responded to my email with "you don't need an excuse like this to push me away" and "why are you being so mean?"
Sunrise,
If I could, I'd crawl right through this computer and wrap you up in my arms. I feel and hear your hurt and confusion. I really, really do. You know what you want to do, which is end the affair. You are afraid to end it because ??? Well, I suppose there are lots of reasons. You are such an emotional mess that you are finding it difficult to make any kind of rational decision.
You said you "don't know how to get from here to there." Let me tell you, sweetie. BLIND FAITH.
As everyone here is my witness, blind faith is what got me through the first very, very painful weeks. I had tried to end twice before. Didn't go NC (because the people here who advocate that surely didn't know my situation and how in the world could I block him from my life? What would he think?) Thought we could be friends (because surely the people here didn't understand my situation and know that we were friends from a long time ago and we would have to stay friends because how could I get along if I didn't hear his voice once in a while?)
The third time I ended--WHICH HAS BEEN WILDLY SUCCESSFUL!!--I took to heart what everyone was saying. I had blind faith that it was going to work for me, too. What else did I have to go on? Nothing else was working and as time went on in the A, I felt worse and worse. I had to end it for good.
Listen carefully, Sunrise. It is going to hurt for a few weeks as you suffer the withdrawals. There is no way around it; only straight on through it, sobbing and crawling on your knees if you have to. (No shame there, BTDT)
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