Maybe some insight from Free, Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2004
Maybe some insight from Free, Posie
8
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 12:45pm

I am writing to get some advice. Sorry this is going to be long. I don’t post very often because I can’t get on the board too much. I hope I don’t sound too selfish, it's hard to put thoughts into words. I just don’t know what to do. Just some insight to my situation - can't remember if you already know - I ended my 4 1/2A because of the guilt and because of xmm wanting way too much. It was like a fantasy, only I awoken feeling like this horrible person. Plus he kept pressuring me to leave, or once I leave he should be the one I will be with for the rest of my life. In the beginning of the A I loved the affection. I craved that affection. I thought I was in love with xmm. But I was just in love with the fantasy. I got swept up in it. But then it got to the point where xmm was calling way too much. When I would mention guy friends of mine there would be tons of questions. I know that he could be suspicious because of what we were doing, but I kept telling him these are friends I have had since I was a child. It got all too much for me. My DH never was so jealous and he never pressured me. It just felt weird. Like my xmm was emotionally unstable – well so was I! It was just a gut feeling I got about xmm. Like the grass is not always greener. There was something about it that started to make me feel a little uneasy.

Here is where my problem is…the thing is… xmm asked me when we ended it if we could still be friends. I thought there was no harm in that. He was a friend and friends don’t just abandon each other when they need them. That if he needed to talk or something that he could call. But what he does is say he calls me on a Tues after I spoke to him the Friday before. He says he just wants me to know that he misses talking to me. I am very understanding to his feelings. It can’t be easy for him, but then he calls the next day to tell me the same thing. Then a week goes by and he will call again, maybe two times that day to tell me that he wanted me to know that he still loves me and misses me. It just keeps going. I am trying so hard to be sympathetic to his feelings. But why does he keep telling me that he loves me every time I talk to him. I feel that he is just trying to force me to be with him. I know that sounded awful. But how can I tell him without totally crushing him that it is way too much. That maybe it is best we don’t talk to each other. It was one thing when he wanted to remain friends, but it seems that he doesn’t just want to be my friend. What should I do? I feel I owe him something. That I was in the A too, that he somehow emotionally needs me. I have a very hard time hurting people. But it gets a little annoying. I know he cares, but why does he have to tell me all the time. Does that sound terrible or what?

I know xmm is going through a lot and I don’t want to hurt him. But I can’t give him what he obviously wants. I just can’t. I feel so bad about that and I feel bad that he is alone. My therapist said that my xmm obiviously has some problems of his own to get so attached in 4 months. All I know is I just want to try to work on my M and myself. I can’t give up on my M. I realized it and now looking back, I wished I realized it before the A.

Luv

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 1:04pm

I actually have no advice for you but reading what you wrote makes me see hwat MM would feel or does feel or felt about me. You have been much more sympathetic than my xMM. But my xMM is a guy!

The only thing I can say is that i thought Mm and I were goiing to try and be freinds. Nd about an hour later he thought it was better we not contact each other for my sake. That I was too dependent on this and him and he thought this was the best way for me to get over it. I hate how I feel. I hate missign him but maybe he is right?? I am not sure . It has only been 2 days after 2+ years!

Good luck

PS.. first time i have called him xMM.. sounds silly i know!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2004
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 2:03pm

Cap,

Thanks for posting back. I hope you are doing better today. I've been reading your posts and I really feel for what you are going through. You and your xmm saw each other for 2 years. That's alot of time involved and it is hard to let go. He should be a little more sympathetic to your feelings. I think I would feel as you do after 2 years. It is hard, but keep trying to be strong. Hopefully it will get easier.

See unlike my xmm, I talk to him and console him every time he calls. But it doesn't seem to be enough. He seems to want more than he saying he does.

I hope you have a beeter day :)

Luv

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 2:38pm

Thanks Luv

Xmm and i handle things differently. He believes in white and black. No need to keep discussing. Take some tiem and get over it. I obviously feel differently.

How long has your A been over?? Do you ask him if talking to makes it better or worse?? I almost want to say that maybe he is thinking if he gives is enough time you will change your mind.

Thanks.. today hasnt been much better than yesterday but hoping for something better soon!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2004
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 3:04pm

Cap,

Yeah, people handle things so much differently. I try to be supportive, but I feel there is only so much support I can give my xmm. My A has been over for a little over 2 months. He said that if he could talk to me once a week but just a friends for awhile. I said ok, but the conversation never stays as how you doing, friends kind of thing and they don't seem to be just once a week. He always wants to tell me how much he misses me, loves me, never loved anyone like he loves me, he will leave his next girlfriend if I was avaialable, etc., etc. I think you are right, he is just trying to wait to see if I will change my mind. It is starting to make me feel uneasy. It makes me feel that he is possessive and controlling kind of person. I know he is hurting, I don't know, I don't know what to do. I don't know if I'm being selfish. But it has been 2 months and it doesn't seem to going to change. I don't expect him after 2 months to stop hurting. I just don't know.
I did tell him that I don't know what is going to happen with MC thing and my H. Who knows if in the end it will work, but I have to work at it though. So maybe he is holding on to the fact it might not work out. Who knows.

He called three times yesterday. I missed the last call and so I didn't want him to think I was ignoring him so I called him today. He said if he could talk to me later this afternoon. I said yes, but I know what the conversation is going to be about. It's going to be about how much he loves and misses me. It makes me want to avoid him when he calls. I don't though, but I'm starting to feel that way. That's sounds terrible.

I do understand he is hurting, but it is still too much for me. I just don't want to hurt him more than he is now, but he is not respecting my need to work on my M. He knows that is what I am doing. Just don't know.

Just venting a little.

Luv

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Tue, 01-18-2005 - 8:44pm

Luv

I have not read through the other posts so if I repeat anyone thats way.

This person does not have any interest in being your friend and I dare say he is not and never was a real friend in my opinion your T is right this guy has problems all his own and they were there well before you met him, you did not cause them and you cannot fix them, you also cannot fix his life.

If you remain in any sort of a relationship with him expect him to continue to try and suck you back into a affair and in time to take steps to end your marriage, I would concerned that he may find a way to let your husband in on your little secret.

YOU OWE HIM NOTHING AT ALL, he chose to get involved with a married person when you make that kind of a decision you takes what you get.

The ownly man that you owe anything to is the one that married you and you not going to be able to do right by him if you let this person remain in the picture at all.

Simply put he is and will remain a threat you the future of your marriage and family if you let him.

I my opinion your best option is and will remain TOTAL NOT CONTACT ENFORCED BY YOU.

Remember you asked !!!

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2004
Wed, 01-19-2005 - 8:37am

Thank you Free,

That is what I was thinking. I finally did tell him not to call. I got the courage yesterday. He called yesterday to ask if he could meet me. I said no, that it was not an option and he knows that. He still wants more and it is not fair that he keep trying to push that on me when he knows that I don't want to ruin my M or my family. I said that he can not call me no more. That I was sorry, but it has to be that way.

This just has opened my eyes to what is really important. And you should never get involved not only for personal responsibilities to your H but you never know what the person you are getting involved with will do.

Free.... I have been reading your advice for awhile. I think you have such great insight. I appreciate it alot. Sometimes people might not want to hear the truth, but I wanted to hear it.

Sometimes, I am too nice and try to make everyone happy. But I can't and I have to realize that. I never promised I was going to leave my H. I didn't really even know why I was doing what I was doing at the time. My H was always a very nasty person, but he is been going to counseling. So I have to try myself because my A, my some what bad M is not all my H's fault. It takes two to make a M work. I realized that even after MC if my M doesn't work I can't jump right into something with someone else anyway. The most important thing right now it trying my best to make my M work. I just wish I would of realized that way before the mess I made. But I can't live on regrets. I just have to look at the future and try my best to be a good mother and wife. I did what at the time I thought was justified. Not an excuse, but now I have to work on why I did that and try to fix it.

Thanks so much Free. I really appreicate your advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Wed, 01-19-2005 - 9:28am

Luv

I cant believe I am saying this but I think you did the right thing. I mean my xMM gave me about 20 minutes to get used to it but you have been more than understanding. He obviously was usign you as or crutch or worse hoping/tryign to get you to change your mind.

Best wishes

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2004
Wed, 01-19-2005 - 9:57am

Cap,

Yeah, it could be a crutch or it could be xmm wishful thinking. I really think he has a hard time with transition between R and being alone.

But he did call back and it was not just a friendly call, which I knew it wouldn't. He wanted to meet me. Of course that was out of the question. I told him no. I guess you read that in my previous post. Sorry if I am repeating myself. See one time about a month ago he sounded so sad so I meet him for 1/2 hour. I felt sorry for him. He kept trying to get me to do stuff that he knew I didn't want to. I stood my ground, but that really made me uneasy. I just chalked it up to him being really lonely. But lately his trying to hold on to me makes me feel really uncomfortable. He really has pushed me to the point that I don't want to be friends. It is this weird vibe I get from him. I kind of was getting singnals all along but choose to ignore them, until now. I really have to start working on my decision process. Why I choose to do the things I do without thinking. Anyway, so I am going to trust my gut on this one. I told him that it has to stop. It makes me uncomfortable. Hopefully he won't stalk me.... I don't think so though. Just have to pray that he is not that nuts over me.

By the way, with all my rambling.. I hope you are doing a little better today. I hope you are keeping yourself busy. Best wishes, Cap, and a ton of {{HUGS}} to you while you are going through your own battles in life.

Luv