Maybe we can be friends

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2003
Maybe we can be friends
22
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 5:41pm
So here I am trying to at the very least do NC for a week or two(MM is a neighbor, but we are both going out of town over the next 2 weekends) who shows up with his daughter at ***** class???!!! He "volunteered" to help out his W. So there I am with no escape.

He asked why I didn't call him back on Tuesday and I told him that if it was important he could have left a message. He said he just called to say hi and to make sure that I was ok and that we were ok. When I told him I was fine he said he was just so glad that we were still friends. We talked about all sorts of stuff and actually had a nice time. I just love his sense of humor and the fact that he is so passionate about everything in his life (kids, work, activities). I also found myself not getting all worked up around him- sure we fooled around, but any of the drama that followed I think I may have self created. Maybe I did read too much into what I wanted to feel instead of what I really feel. He is a great guy- and if anything I should be grateful that he cared enough about me to "put the brakes on". Truthfully I think I took those feelings he had for me (ie attraction and genuine connection) and tried to create them into some clandestine romance. This may be a very dangerous statement, but if the two of us keep things in check, maybe we can put this behind us and remain very close friends. Because bottom line is I don't want to lose that.

I am sure most of you are going to want to whack me with a 2 X 4, but I think that I can be mature enough to let all of this go and still remain friends. Does anyone think this is possible, or am I just kidding myself?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 7:35pm
Unfortunately, I think you are kidding yourself...

I, too, thought that we were more friends than anything else. We always had a great time as FRIENDS. I was sure that we could continue our friendship (us and our spouses all did things together). UNFORTUNATELY, it ended up creating more problems and emotions than a clean break. I still have a great deal of pain and many unanswered questions because we were "just trying to be friends."

I recommend a clean break - at least for a while. IF you TRULY THINK that you can be friends (which I question), I think you still need a clean break with no contact for a while ("a while" being more than a few days).

My no contact was 3 months, until this week. Look where I am - back at the board after 3 months, looking for support again. I cried about the EMA today AGAIN after 3 months.

I wish the friend thing was possible - but I'm not sure it is. Maybe you will have better luck...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 8:22pm
Somebody hand me that 2 X 4 please.
Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 8:31pm
Maybe we can be friends? Yeah okay, and maybe monkeys will fly out of my butt along with confetti.....I tried kidding myself that I could be friends with XOM but it was just a way of not letting go....of keeping the door open.

Staying friends after you had an A is like eating brussel sprouts, having Godivas and then going back to eating the brussel sprouts. Okay ,really bad analogy.

Bottom line it is an inappropriate relationship. It is dangerous because there is always room for those feelings to pop up. You know that you want to be more then friends, so how do you keep it within boundaries. And what if he really wants to be just friends and starts to see someone else? Are you going to slap him on the back and have a beer together? Screw that. If you want friends, get some girlfriends go out to lunch or shopping. YOu want a lover then have a lover. But don't kid yourself into thinking that you can be friends with your ex-lover. Letting go means just that. I'm sorry if i sound caustic.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 8:36pm
and I HATE brussel sprouts ;o)
Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 8:40pm
aww...comeon. With butter they aren't that bad. You sound like my sons.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 10:31pm
Ok-I am just going to put this out there. Is it not possible for a man and woman to be friends?? I had a boyfriend who after we broke up, we became the best of friends for years- thru new people up until the time we got married. Then our lives just went in different directions and we grew apart.

Maybe I am still attracted to MM (of course I am). But I dont throw myself at every person that I am attracted to- I am an adult and I should be capable of using self control. If we both still respect each other, why can't we just move forward as friends?

And for the record, I love Brussel Sprouts! NOt in some weird romantic kind of way mind you!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 10:33pm
May I ask- how did it cause more problems?? Just looking for some specifics.
Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 02-28-2004 - 1:04am
Okay, I am just going to put this out there and please don't think that I am sounding like the church lady.

YES< it is possible for a man and a woman who have had a relationship to go on and become friends. Heck, I know divorced couples that are friends....I have a boyfriend from college that I still talk to 15 years later and we laugh about how stupid we were....we're not best friends mind you, it is just an occasional call now and then. But what you had was an AFFAIR.....If my husband did some woman and then decided to stay friends with her I would have a problem with that. Sorry to be so frank, but I truly believe that it is an inappropriate relationship. Even if you don't go into heat and attack him, the feelings, the sparks are there.

You want to be friends? Okay, so what are the parameters of this friendship? Text messages, emails, lunch, phone calls. Sharing your thoughts, cares, dreams? Guess what? That is an emotional affair. Just because you are not having sex doesn't mean tha tyou aren't involved with this person and it wouldn't be hurtful to his wife/ your husband.....This isn't high school. This isn't staying friends with the guy that took you to the prom and peuked on your pink taffeta gown.

If you think that you can do this, and you sound like you really do, then by all means go forth and prosper. Be friends...I just don't want to see you hurt by this man. And as long as there is some type of emotional attachment there is room for hurt. Whether it be you, him or one of your spouses who feel that there is something odd about this "friendship".

I wish i knew you so I could have you over for brussel sprouts and we can discuss this over some wine. I'm really not a bad person, I just have strong opinions when it comes to this kind of stuff. I was on the roller coaster a very long time.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2003
Sat, 02-28-2004 - 10:35am
undone-

I don't think you are a bad person at all. Truly your advise, while its not what I want to hear, gives me things to really think about. I do appreciate that.

I know this is just semantics, but we never "did it"- yes we engaged in some activities, but he came to me and said we just couldn't go any further. Like I said- I do respect that coming from him- both of us are not the kind of people who can have s#x without their being strings attached and that is why he put a stop to it. He didn't want EITHER of us to get in too deep and get hurt.

As far as our friendship- one time both families went out to dinner and afterwards my H said to me " I can totally tell why you two are so tight- you have so much in common and you are exactly alike- I won't stand in the way of your friendship" Truthfully I think for my H it takes the stress off of him- he doesn't really get me, never has. I think for H he would rather I have someone I can talk to instead of constantly trying to get him to really listen to me. The things MM and I talk about, his W makes a real effort not to be part of in his life (ie his business, some of the kids activities that he and I are involoved in (trying not to be too specific)) He and I volunteer on a committee together and she has told both of us that she is glad I am working on this with him, because if she had anything to do with it, she would be divorced. So I don't think either spouse is bothered by us pursuing a friendship that is platonic.

The reality here is that it is impossible for us to do NC for any length of time. Our kids are so close and he does business with my H. I can't pull my kids out of every sport and extraciricular activity they do just to avoid this man. He doesn't have any intention of dropping his business with my H- MM respects him and it is good for his business. So where do we go from here? If they invite us over to the pool or the kids plan a sleepover am I suppose to ignore him? Should we just pretend we don't know each other? Don't you think that if we start acting cold and impersonal towards each other that would raise more questions for our spouses?

What is the difference between a friendship and an emotional affair?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2003
Sat, 02-28-2004 - 10:59am
PS- I would love to have a glass of wine, with or without the brussel sprouts :^)

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