Maybe we can be friends

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2003
Maybe we can be friends
22
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 5:41pm
So here I am trying to at the very least do NC for a week or two(MM is a neighbor, but we are both going out of town over the next 2 weekends) who shows up with his daughter at ***** class???!!! He "volunteered" to help out his W. So there I am with no escape.

He asked why I didn't call him back on Tuesday and I told him that if it was important he could have left a message. He said he just called to say hi and to make sure that I was ok and that we were ok. When I told him I was fine he said he was just so glad that we were still friends. We talked about all sorts of stuff and actually had a nice time. I just love his sense of humor and the fact that he is so passionate about everything in his life (kids, work, activities). I also found myself not getting all worked up around him- sure we fooled around, but any of the drama that followed I think I may have self created. Maybe I did read too much into what I wanted to feel instead of what I really feel. He is a great guy- and if anything I should be grateful that he cared enough about me to "put the brakes on". Truthfully I think I took those feelings he had for me (ie attraction and genuine connection) and tried to create them into some clandestine romance. This may be a very dangerous statement, but if the two of us keep things in check, maybe we can put this behind us and remain very close friends. Because bottom line is I don't want to lose that.

I am sure most of you are going to want to whack me with a 2 X 4, but I think that I can be mature enough to let all of this go and still remain friends. Does anyone think this is possible, or am I just kidding myself?

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 02-28-2004 - 1:19pm
There are women on this board that work with the MM or OM so that they have to have contact. Okay, so you can't have total NC with him. Why not just be cordial to eachother? Only you know what kinds of parameters you want to draw on this. I just think it stinks, honestly. Your spouses have no idea what really went down between the two of you so there is an element of dishonesty around it.

I'm pressed for time so i won't go into a 40 minute essay on the difference between a friendship and an emotional affair. Why don't you start a new thread on that question and see what kinds of responses you get. I just don't want this to become the When Harry Met Sally debate as to whether a man and a woman can be friends without any nooky. There was some kind of activity between the two of you....and so there is some kind of attraction. I think a true friend of the opposite sex that question doesn't even enter the p;icture, you are no way attracted to that person at all. My best friend in college was a guy....I loved him to death but even thinking about it moving beyond that would make me want to puke. that would be like screwing your brother...eeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwww.

You seem adamant about wanting to pursue this friendship, so really nothing you hear here is going to make a bit of a difference so I will shut my mouth now. HUGS

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sat, 02-28-2004 - 1:19pm
An affair EA OR PA is any emotional or physical interaction with a man that you would not be comfortable with telling your husband about.

You said that your husband does not really listen to you, how are your listening skills when he is talking?

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 02-28-2004 - 1:31pm
i like that definition mefree....Well looks like nostrings got clearance from her husband when he said he had no problem with them being friends...however, it went a little beyond that....

Wow, so many stipulations...I feel like I'm in law school....

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2003
Sat, 02-28-2004 - 3:47pm
I really am just trying to find the balance in all of this... Getting physically involved with MM was not a smart thing to do. And the last thing I want is to be pining away for him and feeling awful about myself. So the way I see it is that I am trying to learn from this mistake and move on to a better place.

If you can't have NC with your XOM, then how do you find that balance. You can't pretend that it never happened so do you just get impersonal with this person? Is it not possible to be even friendly and funny?

I don't think I am looking for permission either way, I am just trying to understand. Truthfully, I am not looking to get hurt again- At this point I feel good about us continuing to be friends- for now. Maybe I will find that this is too hard, and then I will have to move on, and maybe he could be the friend that I really need in my life. If I had the answer to that I probably wouldn't be on these boards.

Thank you for being totally upfront with me, I may not follow your advice today, but I do hear it and I do appreciate that it is coming from people with experience that don't want to see me hurt like they did.

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 02-28-2004 - 5:20pm
Strings: I just want you to put yourself in your husbands position? How would u feel if the roles were reversed? Would u like him staying friends with a woman he was "involved" with? You do not want to let go of this man, that is the bottom line. You want to keep him in your life in one way shape or form because he makes you happy. I respect the decisions that you make for yourself and I do not judge you in any way. Do I support you? Hell no! LOL...but that is okay. Just know that this board is here for you all the time, whenever you need it...HUGS

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Sat, 02-28-2004 - 5:47pm
This is a tough one to explain in writing so that it makes sense.

I think because we were trying to go back and put "friendship boundaries" on something that was WAY WAY past that point. It was hard to do the "hey, what's going on with your anniversary celebration with your wife" (like you would a "normal" friend) when you've been naked with the person the night before telling each other that you love them.

We tried to GO BACK and create boundaries, when actually we should have created them from the very beginning. I would get mad at him for small things that I normally wouldn't get mad at other friends about. Probably because I THOUGHT that because we shared more, he should go above and beyond what my other friends did. I put EXTREMELY HIGH expectations on the friendship because of the other part of the relationship (the EMA). I was EXTREMELY SENSITIVE to things when "the group" would go out as friends - again, things that I wouldn't be sensitive about for "normal" friends.

We are currently having e-mail discussions about why we can't be friends (and how ridiculous it is that we can't). All I know is that it doesn't seem to work (no matter how hard we try). You still have feelings for each other and most of the time these feelings are "secret" (it was for us, no one ever found out). It makes it difficult to have a normal friend relationship when everything else about your relationship was make-believe.

I hope this made sense (or helped). Keep me posted.

Oh, and for the record, I DO believe that men and women can just be friends. HOWEVER, I believe that you have to set EXTREMELY STRINGENT boundaries with opposite sex friendships. Some topics, events, etc. should ALWAYS be off-limits with opposite sex friends. JMHO

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2003
Sat, 02-28-2004 - 10:53pm
I've been down that road you're traveling now...I've said all these things to myself too..."I must be imagining this attraction" and "I am focusing on him too much, maybe reading too much into the things he says," yada yada...in the end, it was proven to me that I did not imagine any of it.

The feeling you have is the calm before the storm...you are in the "honeymoon" stage of your A. Granted, you haven't actually had IC, however, you have crossed the line, right? You know it's a fine line too. Putting on the brakes now will take a MASSIVE effort...I know, I've done it...the temptation is enormous. I am in my 5th month of NC and I think about my OMM nearly every day.

Are you prepared to hear the gorey details of his comings and goings with his wife? See him put his arm around her, kiss her, hear about their lovely weekends? It's very painful, trust me.

If you cannot have NC, then I vote for the cordial relationship someone else suggested...you are kidding yourself...it's very, very hard to pull back while in this heady stage of attraction...divorced people stay friends only AFTER they have traveled a well-worn path...you and this affair partner have no such history together. You may be ready to end your marriage but this guy doesn't sound like he is planning to divorce. Be careful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 8:47am
I feel like I could have written everything that you said. Too boot, XMM and I work together and I can see his house from mine (ahhhhhh, what was I thinking when this whole mess started). We also never had a sexual relationship. We try the friend thing and to the entire free world it appears that we still are friends the way we always were. We are friendly to eachother, but it's so different. No one knows about our A, so we pull off a nonexistant friendship and act like nothing has changed. I get so tired of it that it makes it easy not to see him if I don't have to.

We almost have to tip toe on our words as to not say something that may be taken "the wrong way" and create "raw emotions" as he put it one day. Or even be taken as inappropriate and not intended to be. It's been almost 6 months since we mutually ended it and it is getting a little better, but it will never be the same.

All of the things that I use to share with XMM I now share with my H and I don't share anything that I don't share with any of my other friends.

My H also encouraged our friendship and still does. Often asks why we don't see him very much anymore. I just tell him everyone is just way too busy.

Don't know if any of this helps.


Edited 2/29/2004 8:49:07 AM ET by alifechoice

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2003
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 10:02am
Thank you I will be careful. I think right now I am going to really pay attention to MY feelings and make protecting them my first priority. He is very insistent that we can maintain a friendship after what happened and while I think right now that is where we are going to try to be, if it becomes too hard or painful, then I will make the necessary changes to protect myself and my heart.

This may be a dumb question, but do you think he is insisting on this friendship as a way to maintain an A without feeling all the guilt? Or is it possible that he really does value having me as a friend?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2003
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 10:35am
Strings...it's hard to say...he may truly believe that you can return to being just friends or he's trying to keep you in his life without the guilt. Sounds like he can't let you go. Completely understandable. But he'll do the friends thing if it means a connection to you. Men are human too, LOL.

The bottom line is that he's chosen to stay in his m...above all things, you must remember that. He cannot put you before his wife now...so your relationship is totally secondary...if you continued to give him emotional support, it will make it possible for him to avoid confronting whatever problems are in his m.

I have learned from my emotional affair that if either partner seeks emotional support from someone of the opposite sex outside of their m, it dilutes marital strength. If my h had a close bond with another female, I would be very uncomfortable...my OMM once admitted to me that men (especially macho guys like him) have a VERY hard time maintaining a platonic friendship with a woman who is attractive to them...he said he was constantly restraining himself.