MAYDAY.....MAYDAY..the ship is SINKING

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
MAYDAY.....MAYDAY..the ship is SINKING
11
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 11:37am
Ah, CRIMINEY!!!! I DID THIS TO MYSELF!!!!

ExMM responded to my email, like I hoped he would (careful what you HOPE for!!!). Again, nothing dramatic....just kind of like "hey this is what I've been up to....congratulations...and also made some comments that would require a response (a 'tester' comment) that is, if I chose to.

I wrote back a REALLY long response, about my graduation, about dinner last night (which was not too good...not that it was bad---just my expectations interfered with my ability to enjoy---another lesson learned about myself and what I need to change about ME! everyone had a good time, though), about my kids, about my job (which I haven't told him about yet), then before I sent it.....

I came here. madam2u, I don't know who you are...but thank you for your response (actually thanks EVERYONE for their congratulatory wishes...graduation was AWESOME!). That line you wrote about "remembering all the times he wasn't there for you....and the pain I felt" (or something like that).

My problem with this whole thing is that---the pain *I* felt. The problems in our relationship was that he could write an email like that, and keep his emotional distance because, in his mind, WE ARE FRIENDS. He loves his wife, his kids, his life.

I, on the other hand, fell in love with him...not that means ANYTHING, because of the difference between falling in love and REAL LOVE. And I can't separate it. I can't change the way that I feel...and I keep trying and keep failing.

I don't if I should respond...I don't know if I should wait and think about it...I don't know if I should ignore it, but that seems rude to do....or maybe tell him, Look--I fell for you, and I can't do this, it hurts too much---but does that make me look pathetic???

Oh, cripes...I did this to myself. I was on a roll and doing ok....feeling better about things.

{sigh} I need to meditate.....think about this.

And I need a whomp in the head.

MASTER dharma....who should be sent back to kindergarten in terms of life lessons

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2004
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 12:05pm
Dharma.

Don't be so hard on yourself. I also wonder how XMM can be so unemoitional. I know that during the A there were many times he was not there for me. For some reason we forget those times and remeber the good ones. This process is painful and as long as we try everyday to move forward I hope the end result will be to be free of the pain. I guess thats why no contact is the best. Every time I talk or get and email from XMM I replay it my mind all day. Hanging on every word to see if there is something there. I bet he does not geive it a second thought after he hangs up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 12:12pm
No whomps, just a hug.... If you respond, I'd keep it *extremely* brief and not invite any sort of return response. There is a lesson for all of us here -- how easy it is to feel ourselves getting pulled back into this awful cycle with just one little slip in the NC policy, no matter how innocent it seems. Don't feel bad -- it would be easy for most of us here to fall into the same trap. I clearly didn't foresee a problem with your email when you first mentioned it, but now I understand! So sorry, honey!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2003
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 2:28pm
Hi Dharma;

Congratulations to you on your graduation. I might have done the same if I were in your shoes ... by writing to say thank you for his support in the past years. However, please do not lose sight of how hurt you were. If you were to take up your relationship again, it would turn out the same ... where he would not be able to be there for you like you'd want/need him to be and eventually you would AGAIN be left in darkness and despair ... all by yourself (and of course this board).

If you respond to his note, I'd just be very polite, leaving out your feelings and leaving out any of your life business ... because it's none of his business any more. He chose for it to be that way.

Don't put yourself through that again ... you've come such a long way.

I sign myself:

NO LONGER torn2pcs ... (but still pissed off!!)

Avatar for crystal_clr
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 6:48pm
Hi Dharma-

I just came out of this same situation. It was so weird - started very innocent (I broke contact) but it only took a few messages for the emotions to totally heighten. I knew I'd be heading down the same old path again if I didn't wrap up the conversation. I did, and I feel really proud of myself for finally recognizing that I needed to 'push myself away'.

I think you can walk away in such a manner that its clear you're wrapping up the conversation, yet it was nice to hear from him and wish him well. For me it actually felt really great and I think it took me a few steps forward in my healing.

Crystal

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 10:18am
Dharma!!!! I'm away from the board for the weekend and look what happened!!!! LOL. First and most importantly, congrats again on your graduation. I hope you can appreciate how wonderful this accomplishment is and of course it didn't meet your expectations, special occasions never do. They're a set-up. Suck every bit of pleasure out of it that you can - and remember that its a very special blessing that you have achieved this honor. When I graduated from law school I was all full of myself, thinking "oh, wonderful me. Aint I the best???" I think you can appreciate this all on a different, more mature level after all that you've been in through in life.

You're not pathetic by any stretch, honey. I personally would LOVE to contact OMM to see how he's doing. I just can't. For one thing, it would be causing too much harm to him and DH - both of which should have dumped me long ago because I've made both of their lives a living h#ll at various points in time. I understand your need to share the experience of graduating with your OMM. Don't underestimate how soppy and sentimental we get on these occasions. My son was hospitalized recently and I didn't know which end was up but I knew I wanted to contact OMM to tell him. Why? He's not a doctor or anything, there was nothing he could do for the situation. I was just so emotional and reaching all over trying to feel better.

If your day did not meet your expectations, its probably because your OMM wasn't part of it. Your lengthy e-mail was probably an attempt to fill in the missing pieces that the perfect graduation day would have looked like in your mind, and it didn't work out the way you wished.

You were doing so well, and you'll be doing so well again before you know it. Hang out here with us, Dharma. I'm struggling on a daily basis - not to drink, not to take any drugs and not to contact my OMM. It's a wonder I can get anything done - I spend all day praying, meditating and doing yoga just to make it through without causing any harm. Sigh. I wonder how many calories all this mental work burns?????? Love and hugs, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 12:18pm
dharma: i am just catching up on the board as i had a busy weekend with my son's 7th birthday activities.

My gut, is that if you have to think so hard about what to do next, you should just do nothing. I've been told, that if there is a knot in your stomache about something, then that is an indicator to NOT do something (reply back, etc.)

More later.

Clarice

ps: and happy graduation. That is really an amazing accomplishment! What is your degree in?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 5:33pm
Hi Dharma! :)

I am not familiar with your story, but I just wanted to say congratulations on your graduation! That is great! I am in graduate school myself, and there just doesn't seem like there's any light at the end of the tunnel. LOL Congratulations again, you should be very proud of your accomplishments and enjoy this time in the spotlight! :)

I think you should think about it before you respond to him. Let things calm down, the graduation euphoria, the mixed emotions...give it some time, and then when you have more clarity, you can make your decision. I hope that whatever decision it is, that it brings you peace of mind.

Keep us posted and let us know how it goes.

:)

Circe

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 3:30am
Dahrma.....

I'm going to go out on a limb here with this thought....

Are you so sure he was such a big help in getting your degree? Or would you have accomplished it just as well without him.... or even better not having had all the heart ache. He wasn't always there for you. I would be more proud of yourself for having made this accomplishment DESPITE the fact that he was there complicating your life, draining your energy and wasting your precious time!

XMM didn't invent wonderful you. He showed up, basked in your light, wreaked a bit of havoc for his own entertainment, and then went cooly on with his life when things got too complicated.



You give him too much credit. YOU did all the work. Be proud of yourself and do not write him again. Do not continue to stroke his ego. You've done that long enough.

Enjoy your celebration.

Lala

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 3:42am
Dahma

I just read your "please everyone read this" thread... and hope you don't find my previous message harsh. I just wanted to highlight your accomplishment and not let him distract you from that. I'm sure there were times XMM was supportive. But you did the work.

Congrats!

Lala

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 9:12am
lala~

First, I did not find your post harsh at all...you said everything you needed to say tactfully.

Second, I didn't mean to give the impession that exMM was RESPONSIBLE for my graduating. Heck, I DID ALL THE WORK, nor did he make me a 'wonderful' person. I was ALL THAT before I met him and I would have completed the degree WITHOUT him. It was just that he was true emotional support for me the past 2 years. During the past couple of years, my h actively sabotaged my efforts to complete my degree....and when that didn't work, he resorted to verbally/emotionally cutting me down. Almost daily, I was subjected to hearing how selfish I was, how self centered I was, what an awful wife and mother I was, amongst other things. This, because I was taking one or two courses a semester AND working part time...and when I worked full time, I stopped taking courses. That last 10 months before the stress of the job and lack of support from him resulted in my quitting before I had a breakdown. Mind you, during this time (working/school) *I* did all the housework, bills, grocery shopping, cooking, bringing the children to childcare, running the older kids to a variety of activities, and being their emotional support.

ExMM was just a 'soft place' for me to land from time to time. I never told him many details of my homelife, but enough to know that it wasn't good. When I finally did begin to tell him things, he very gently pointed out that it was psychological abuse and that true men do not do the things my h did to me. He also gave me the support when I just thought I couldn't do it anymore....much in the same manner my best friend did.

But, yes, I know I was stroking his ego the entire time...not that I find him to be particularly selfish...but I guess when we are involved in these relationships there is MUCH selfishness that occurs. But for me, it was a way to keep sane, believe it or not.

thanks for your words, lala...I much appreciate them

dharma

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