MAYDAY.....MAYDAY..the ship is SINKING

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
MAYDAY.....MAYDAY..the ship is SINKING
11
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 11:37am
Ah, CRIMINEY!!!! I DID THIS TO MYSELF!!!!

ExMM responded to my email, like I hoped he would (careful what you HOPE for!!!). Again, nothing dramatic....just kind of like "hey this is what I've been up to....congratulations...and also made some comments that would require a response (a 'tester' comment) that is, if I chose to.

I wrote back a REALLY long response, about my graduation, about dinner last night (which was not too good...not that it was bad---just my expectations interfered with my ability to enjoy---another lesson learned about myself and what I need to change about ME! everyone had a good time, though), about my kids, about my job (which I haven't told him about yet), then before I sent it.....

I came here. madam2u, I don't know who you are...but thank you for your response (actually thanks EVERYONE for their congratulatory wishes...graduation was AWESOME!). That line you wrote about "remembering all the times he wasn't there for you....and the pain I felt" (or something like that).

My problem with this whole thing is that---the pain *I* felt. The problems in our relationship was that he could write an email like that, and keep his emotional distance because, in his mind, WE ARE FRIENDS. He loves his wife, his kids, his life.

I, on the other hand, fell in love with him...not that means ANYTHING, because of the difference between falling in love and REAL LOVE. And I can't separate it. I can't change the way that I feel...and I keep trying and keep failing.

I don't if I should respond...I don't know if I should wait and think about it...I don't know if I should ignore it, but that seems rude to do....or maybe tell him, Look--I fell for you, and I can't do this, it hurts too much---but does that make me look pathetic???

Oh, cripes...I did this to myself. I was on a roll and doing ok....feeling better about things.

{sigh} I need to meditate.....think about this.

And I need a whomp in the head.

MASTER dharma....who should be sent back to kindergarten in terms of life lessons

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 10:23am
Hi Dharma,

My first thought was to be envious of you for being able to have the kind of contact with your XMM that I want to have with mine. But then I look at the small turmoil it's causing you now. Wondering what to say, if you should say anything at all, etc. As painful as it is, maybe doing nothing is the best thing. I know I have to stop myself at least 3-4 times a day from writing my XMM because that is what HE wanted. I'm slowly learning that I need to make each individual day the best day I can possibly make it, with our without the XMM in my life. I hope the same for you. Graduating is an amazing accomplishment, especially when you have DH in your ear trying to bring you down. Enjoy this graduation, enjoy you and what you've become. Try not to think so much about the other stuff and bask in this moment of pride you have over your success!!

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