MC without a D-Day

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2008
MC without a D-Day
5
Sat, 09-12-2009 - 12:23pm
Hi all. I hope I don't seem like a broken record here. It would just really be helpful to hear from veterans who have rebuilt their marriages - through marriage counseling or alone - without having had a D-Day? Is it actually possible? Don't you always feel that there is some massive secret between you that makes commitment and intimacy impossible? Has anyone been successful? Any advice would be welcome. Thank you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Mon, 09-14-2009 - 11:59am
Hi GC,

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2008
Mon, 09-14-2009 - 2:10pm
Hi E1. Thanks so much for your reply. I find your responses so helpful and thoughtful. I have only been in MC for four weeks and the first three sessions were so helpful but in the last one I had this feeling like, ok, everyone thinks everything is okay... and little do they know. it made me wonder and think hard about confession. i have an individual T. the only thing she advised me NOT to do was tell the couple's therapist about this unless I was willing to put it out on the table (in other words, deal with the A with her, and deal with everything else with the MC). Can I ask you a question? What were some of your reasons for having an affair? I can't figure mine out, even though I've actually been in T for a long, long time (depressingly, long before the A). I am one of those people who has always "seemed" (and I always thought, actually) that I was on top of the world. Perfect grades, successful career, great friends, great relationship with family (except for my dad). But I've always been sorta mildly depressed. I always had the "nice" boyfriend. And my husband is the "nice" guy. He's not only nice, he's amazing. And he's sexy, and funny, and loyal. But somehow I just could never shake the feeling that something was wrong, or missing. I'm pretty sure that wrong and missing is in me. I couldn't believe I got involved in an A. And I also can't believe how incredibly wrapped up I got. And even now, after 2 months NC, when I can see more rationally that I'm lucky as hell to have my H and a complete idiot to have done what I've done,
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Mon, 09-14-2009 - 3:15pm
Well GC it is good you are asking so many questions. It means that you are really doing the work in T and trying to figure things out. it's good you are in individual and couples T so that you can work out the issues of A with individual T and marriage problems with MC.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2008
Mon, 09-14-2009 - 3:35pm

E1, I swear you could be a therapist. You are so right about me putting up a guard. I've lived my entire life with it - and the amazing thing about therapy is that I always thought I was the opposite, the one who let everything out, who spoke about anything. I only realized after T that I do that as to "seem" to be the most open person on earth when in reality the way I act is just a way to control the situation (I let out certain things to certain people, etc.) (As an aside, one thing I've realized is that if I go into T declaring that a certain thing is a certain way or that I feel a certain way, I swear I eventually come to realize that I'm usually feeling the exact opposite of what I say and believe in a particular moment.) I also love your analysis about XAP being a 'not perfect' guy. I'm so glad you said that cuz it's helped me turn around something in my head. I always thought I chose him as XAP because I would be afraid of him in real life. He is the kind of successful career guy, not family oriented, and the kind of guy I'd always wonder about having an affair. My H is the "safe" guy - yeah, of course ANYONE, as we all know here, can fall into an affair, but I'd be really surprised my H ever did, he's family first always, he does NOT put his career first. I allowed all of this to let my doubts grow: "wait," I'd say to myself, "did I choose the safe guy and now I'm missing out on all this passion, because I was afraid to be with someone who would challenge me, or who might leave me?" You've given me a new way to think about it. Anyway, thank you again for everything you give to this board. And I will look up those old posts now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Tue, 09-15-2009 - 12:03pm

Hi GC,


Thank you for your kind words. I'm glad I could help in some small way. Hope the other thread helped answer some of your questions.


Much love,


E1

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.