? for me free

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
? for me free
9
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 3:17pm
Hi Free, I have not posted in a long time, mostly because I'm still in contact with him. I keep thinking about what you told me-that I would end it when the pain of being in it outweighed the pain of ending it and I feel like I'm so, so close. The thing is, it's almost like he senses where I'm at and if even a day goes by when I'm not in contact, he's right there, looking for me. Previously, 6 weeks could pass with nothing. I eat up that little bit of attention like you wouldn't believe-it pulls me right back. I want it to be over, I know I need it to be over but I just can't make it stick. How do I stop needing the attention (which is very little anyway and so much less than what I really want)? I think if that need would go away, I'd be fine and able to do this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 02-11-2005 - 7:40pm

HI Too

It is nice to here from you again after all this time, I think of you often and wondered how your doing.

The question to be answered is way you need the attention, what is the issue behind it, are there self-esteem problems rising from your youth or early marriage years ?

You need a short term coping method to deal with that need for attention, could/would you volinteer to work with elderly people or other people how need someone to take an interest in them,

>>"I eat up that little bit of attention like you wouldn't believe-it pulls me right back."<<

Notice it is NOT HIM it's the attention so substituting some other sort of attention may help.

How are things with hubby are you and he communicating paying that attention to EACH OTHER, do you talk about everything or is he a grunter like a lot of men ?

It is not a surprise that Soon to be XOM notices that your slipping the chain of the affair and is reacting to it, But rest in complete assurance that "YOU" will reach the point were nothing he says or does will stop you from walking way for good it is just a matter of time now, YOU need to believe this Too.

Fell free to write me by my e-mail address in my profile if you wish.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
Sun, 02-13-2005 - 3:49pm
Dear Free, Sorry I wasn't able to respond-I haven't been alone. After another series of events & discussions regarding what I want vs. what he wants, we've decided to end and although I've been moving toward this in baby steps, now that it's happened, I'm pretty broken up. AS far as your questions about my h., there has been a wall between us for so many years that I dont know what I want with him anymore. He has been recetly trying to get closer to me and I had been pushing him away-I knew it wasn't even a possibility as long as OM was in the picture and I just dont know what I want with H. right now.
Well, at any rate, I knew I had to end with OM, so I guess that's some kind of start. Believe me, I know he will come looking to start up again in a few weeks, This time hopefully I'll be able to resist and start to re-build my life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
Sun, 02-13-2005 - 5:50pm
Having a truly horrible day because tomorrow is Valentine's day. Strangely, I received an essay about virtual reality and how addicts are addicted to the virtual world they create, to avoid living inthe real one & intimacy and yup, that's exactly what I've been doing all these years. It was all in my head, I built it up to make it a thousand times better than it ever was because in reality it falls so far short of an ideal in every single way. So the question is, why am I so damn sad-what am I mourning here?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Sun, 02-13-2005 - 6:17pm

hi too,

its just another day, nothing special, everyday should be like this

hang in there

i wish there is something i can say to make it all go away, all the pain and sadness .....

max

i too am still living in that world i created, too much expectation, i know it was against all odds but i still do it so i think i build a dream world for me and OW, now its all over and the walls are crumbling down

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sun, 02-13-2005 - 7:39pm

TOO

Max is correct what your going through is completely normal, everone has to go through the ending blues and over time withdrwal much like the drug addict does, or your virtual reality addict, the fantasy bubble is not there to feed that need or to shield you from reality.

You have said in the past may good things about your husband do you still believe them ?

What caused the wall between you and hubby to first be built, do you know or have you forgotten after all these years, was the wall there before the affair or did you build it after it started.

You need to enforce total no contact against XMM because there is no other way to clear the emotional rubble out of your head and heart if you allow contact, with that rubble obstructing your view your unable to clearly see your husband for who he truly is or the future you want be it with him or with out him.

Too It's not about being strong it's about deciding what you want and how your going to get there, once you have made it up completly in your heart that your done with this pile of crap that the affair turned your life into you will say NO MORE and it will stick count on it.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Sun, 02-13-2005 - 9:47pm

hi TOO,

yeap, u thought he was your soulmate, if he was then u would not be in this situation, like me i thought OW was the greatest, my Cinderella, my soulmate, yeah in the beginning it was great, everything was great, she was there for me but a time moves on it was less and less more time and i needed her more and more, i think i had build her up as my ideal partner in life, i wanted to marry her, i would do anything for her, even give my life , am i crazy or what

now , im really upset, upset and sad,its a mixed bag of emotions, i cant realy put a finger into it, but now i stopped over-analyzing it, like Free said, its all up to us, at least im saying the words now, before i refuse to see the dark side of it, how she never realy gave me her time or whatever, she had her cake and eat it too at my emotional expense, even my friends thought i was crazy and get tired of me, even my ex-wife told me to stay away from her and told me to date someone without any baggage, but stilli persisted and now i am paying the prize for it

i say we should learn from this and for sure i will never have an affair again, i would never want to feel this BS anymore, i dont mind if its a single person, its not worth it at all, now wonder affairs are called affairs, they never last, its all based on lies anyways, how can we live like this , in an affair

hope u have a good day tomorrow, be string and be upset, its better than being sad
max

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 9:06am
Thanks, I woke up this morning with an emotional hangover but I feel like my head is much clearer now. The thing about it being Valentine's day was just more of me living in my virtual reality and not in my real life which could actually be pretty good if only I'd let it be.
Free, you asked if I had issues in my childhood that made me need his attention-big yes, and I went to therapy for years but somehow, it doesn't really work for me. I feel like we talked and talked and nothing changed.
I don't know if I will be able to maintain the NC yet, although I know it's necessary. The first place I'm going to start is by looking at it for what it really is and trying to figure out why I put myself there. Then maybe I can go to the next step.
Thanks!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 6:45pm

hey TOO,

sometimes i feel like im a saddist, i want to hurt myself, i want to feel pain, the thought has crossed my mind

NC is so hard, i am looking for another job, i work with OW so NC is pretty much impossible, what i do is i dont talk to her at work, i see her but i never come close to her anymore

i remember that i wanted to talk to her when she told me she wanted to end it last 2 sundays ago, she said talking wont help coz i will try to just take no for an answer when we talk

hang in there,

max

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 02-14-2005 - 8:00pm

Too

Let me tell you one thing I have learned the hard way---people get to the place they need to be to end the affair in there own good time YOU WILL TO.

Not all T are created equal if on does not help that is a good intication you may want to try another.

I hope you will give hubby a and youeself a chance to be happy together one day.

Free