For me, it's the habit
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| Fri, 05-28-2010 - 12:46pm |
So granted, I am only one day out of stopping all contact with AP. I woke up this morning and actually felt a bit lighter. I then checked my phone to see if he contacted me. Then when I was at the gym, I did it no less than 4 times while I was working out. I did this out of habit. This is what I have been doing for 3 years. It is the habit that is going to be the hardest thing to break for me.
Now, had this been 6 months ago, it would have been letting go of my feelings and the habit that was hard. However, I was at the end of my rope when I found this site and my feelings for him had become murky and depressing already.
Does anyone have any suggestions for helping break the habits? I am actually finding this easier than I expected, but who knows how I will feel in a week from now. I quit smoking cold turkey and 3 months later, I was craving a cigarette like crazy! I did not give in though!
I kinda feel like I am in limbo right now.
The only thing I can say, is that I really don't think he will try to contact me anytime soon. He holds grudges like it's no ones business! If he ever did try to contact me, it would be no sooner than a month from now (this is how it was in the past). At that point, I hope to have the habitual aspect of this under control a bit more and will not allow myself to fall back into a trap.
I am now questioning what I ever saw in him. I realize it was the 16 year old me seeing the 20 year old him. He is just as selfish now as he was then...I was blinded by the "love" I thought I was getting from him.
I can only go uphill from here! I am going to respect myself and my family from here on out.

Hi,
If you'd block and walk, you would not be expecting calls or texts on your cell! If you don't block, you'll be like that little monkey in the experiment who hits the button over and over to get the narcotics. Poor little monkey doesn't know the experiment is over. Are you a heart surgeon? On the President's Advisory Council? No? why are you taking your cell to the gym anyway?
Breaking a habit means changing your patterns. Remove the devices (cell) that prompt you to regress or trigger an addictive impulse. After you examine your current patterns, you can make changes in your routine.
Hope dude doesn't fish until you figure it out - and not even then!
Cheers,
Dee
IJM,
<>
You'll have it under control in a couple of weeks. They say it takes 3
~Iddy~
Thanks ladies! Believe it or not, I never had his number in my phone. He used his work phone mostly and because of that (and b/c of security clearances), he could not call or text that often. I mean, he could, but he did not want to get questioned as to whos number it was. He did eventually get his own phone and gave me the number, but for some reason, I never added him to my address book. I had it in one of my saved emails, and all of those were deleted last night.
I have been trying to figure out how to block calls on my cell even before this happened, but never could figure it out. Does anyone know how to do it on a Blackberry? This way if he does try to contact me, the next time I get the number to my phone, I will block it.
I finally told my therapist about my affair today. I was going to her once a month, and we have upped it to every other week for the time being. It felt so good to get it off my chest. She said she is very impressed with how I came to realize I needed to end it. I told her that this message board is what helped give me the final push!
Thank you all again so much. I really am done with him. I have closure on a relationship I spent 16 years idealizing in my head. It has also made me realize even more just how amazing my husband is and how lucky I am to have him. AP and I never intended on leaving our spouses, but I can see now how my energy was being taken away from my marriage.
phone your cell phone provider and they may be able to guide you through blocking a number. if you don't remember what the number was I'm sure it would show up on your cell phone bill.
For now, as suggested, leave the phone at home when you go out... just try it for a week and that should kick the habit of checking
Still waiting for contact also. Sunday will be 1 week NC. My thought process goes something like this.
Cell phone: Gee, I wonder if he will try to text me. > Hmmm. He hasn't even TRIED to contact me? > Why hasn't he tried to contact me? Hasn't he noticed I have not tried to contact him? Doesn't he care? What is he thinking? > (Back to reality) Remind myself that NC is a good thing and tell myself to get on with my life.
Yes I can block him. I pay 5 bucks a month to block calls to my kids phone and can block mine too (for Verizon go to their website) But I am not ready to do that yet.
Online: Gee, he's online, I wonder if I should get off? > Hmmm. If he tries to IM me, I will ignore him. > Why is he not IMing me? I guess he was just not that into me-I am just one of the many girls he could IM and he is chosing not to IM me. > (Back to reality) NC is a GOOD thing. Get on with your life. > I will go to EAS and check in.
The habit of checking has gone down, I just hate the thought process that follows. I still think he has the right to contact me and ask for an explanation. I have been trying to send messages on FB that will indicate I am not interested anymore. I changed profile pic to me and my husband. I put status updates saying how lucky I am to be married to a great guy. Bible quotes about marriage and family. I would like to believe that he is honoring NC because he gets the hint.
I know I can block FB access too and unfriend him, just not ready to do that yet.
Dear IJM77,
Welcome to the Board - you've joined a great group of people who will offer wonderful wisdom and support, gained by going through exactly what you are. They've "walked the walk" and can now "talk the talk"!
I read your post and understand your struggle. I truly believe that A's are so hard to quit because they are not really about the love or friendship we feel for our AP (although I'm sure those things are part of them), but they are more about the validation we feel from them. I believe we see it as - here's a man who is risking everything - his marriage, his family, maybe his career - everything - to be with ME!!! Wow, that's quite a compliment and an addicting high. Aside from the bad feelings by just being involved in an A, when he's not acting or responding the way that makes us feel good, the rejection is not only painful, but we take it as a measure of self-worth. So once someone makes a move to continue the A, we get the validation that we are wanted again. But the A is only a dysfunctional relationship where, I believe, no ones true feelings/nature (good or bad) are clear. The reality of it is a lie and the lies of it are the reality. (I'm not sure if that sounds profound or just very confusing!! :) )
What I would suggest is to acknowledge the good feelings you've felt, accept the bad things that have happened, and then give yourself a present and let go. Give yourself the power to rule your own life. He needs to be part of your past only. You will no longer give him the power to determine how things go. It no longer matters if he holds a grudge, or gets over himself, or whatever. It no longer matters if he tries to contact you or win you back. You are no longer that person for him. What has happened has happened and you two now have a history. But for everyone's sake - especially your own - you have to let go and move on. You will both be okay. It will hurt, it will be sad, but you are no longer part of this drama.
Believe me, this is all much easier to say than do. But I've managed 4 months no contact so far and am slowly finding that the memories are much easier to handle than the on-going drama. The relief from the craziness is a hard-earned, welcomed change!
You will get through this and we are here for you!
HLS :)
Hooklinesinker,
YOU are so SMART! Thank you for the A-ha moment. Your right. It is not about love or friendship I feel for xAP it is the fact that he wanted me-personal validation that I was still sexy and beautiful. That "new relationship" feeling. I have to admit that during that time I was dressing sexier and curling my hair and wearing make-up (even on Saturday morning for my so called errands).
HLS,
<>
Great post. You made some really good points and another post I'd like to add to the HL.
~Iddy~
Thank you, Iddy!
I really appreciate your kind comments. Again, I'm not sure I'm as confident as I sound, but I'm gonna fake it 'til I make it!!!
HLS :)
"faking it until you make it" will show you that deep down inside you really ARE the person you want to be. it's a way of connecting with a part of you you thought was lost. honest. it works.
xo
Dee