Meeting MM tomorrow.....
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| Tue, 01-13-2004 - 12:38am |
Upon reading this board I know now that closure can only come within myself, and not anything he can say will give me closure.
I am not sure what I will say, I am still angry, still sad, still hurt, still dissapointed, and still in love with this man. After 12 years, it is so hard to let go, even though I know that is the best thing for both of us.
Each time we have spoke on the phone ( maybe 6 times ), seen one another ( three times ) since Christmas, he has ended up crying and sobbing about how much he loved and missed me. The last time we saw each other in person ( 3 days ago ), he was crying about how much he loved me, how much he cared and could not get me out of his mind and I just sat there and I could not even feel his pain, for now I have put a wall around my heart because the emotions I felt when the A was discovered by his W and he ended our 12 year A in a drop of a hat without any reguard to my feelings has left me feeling numb.
Do I really need to go tomorrow? Do I really want to hear the lies? Excuses? Explaination? Apologies?
Can he justify sleeping with his W after telling me that I am the only one he has ever really loved? That he has never cared for anyone else like he does me?
I told him ( 3 days ago ) that we would never be in an affair again. If he and I were not married, then it might be possible but until then we could never be where we were.
I am not sure what tomorrow will bring......what I would like to have happened is that I would only remember the good times, the wonderful love making, the laughter, the friendship, the fantasy we had together. What I feel needs to happen is I need to face reality and see the MM for what he is......and that is that since the discovery of the A, he had to end it (? to his W anyway) and he can't call me, can't be seen with me, can't take anymore trips with me, can't get on the computer with me.....and he is so afraid that I will find someone else to take his place and it is just eating him alive. He can't have me but he doesn't want anyone else to either.
The more I think about it, the more angry I get. Twelve years in an affair that I totally believed this man, and then the moment our secret is out in the open......we're through.
He not only let me down, I let myself down.
Wish me luck tomorrow.
Lillsilly

Good luck tomorrow and stay strong! I can't even imagine (well, I can a little bit) just how difficult it will be. 12 years is a LONG time for any relationship...esp. an affair, and to find out that what you thought was true is in turn, maybe not so true--is very difficult.
Closure will come when you are ready for it...maybe meeting with him and talking to him will help. I know for 2 years, I've tried to make closure...almost right from the beginning! when we BOTH knew an affair was something we DID NOT want to pursue--but did anyway....but this time its different. I'm just soooo ready to clear out the emotional baggage that comes with it. I still hurt, I still miss him...but I also think--what did I really HAVE with him? Other than the 'fantasy'...there was not much. My exMM has helped me TREMENDOUSLY in the past couple of years...and really has been a good friend to me. I feel fortunate, in a way, that we never got to the point of professing love for each other...that would make it more, more painful. As for me, I think I was more into it then he was...but my marriage is also a LOT worse then his. Still, we had this connection from the beginning...and its that connection that is hard to let go.
But back to you...if he DOES love you...it will show in time. All too often I think of the old saying "If you love something set it free...it comes back, then its yours, if not then it was never meant to be". Set him free and see where he lands.
During this time, do some intense looking inward to see how you can grow and change as a woman......remember: that which doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. An affair that's ending never kills us (though we may wish it would from time to time).....but it makes us a HELL OF A LOT STRONGER...and perhaps more compassionate and less judgemental in life.
Good luck....keep us posted. Much hugs to you!
dharma
When A go into years such as yours and mine of 5 years, we become extremely dependent on each other and the hardest part of ending is accepting the fact that the person we once depended on will no longer be there for us. The other part of acceptance is the realization that MM is a coward b/c when push came to shove, he took the road of least resistance!
Funny how we (OW) have this impression that MM are such risk takers and go getters while all along they've taken the EASY route to problem solving...self satisfaction and gratification. Why do we expect them to all of a sudden change their ways when they weren't willing to address the problems within their marriage...instead, they turned to an OW to solve their problems. IMO, these men are not strong, they're not risk takers or go getters...they are cowards. And for those of us married OW, so are we as what we did was no different. But in my case, I would have ended my marriage for MM.
LILLS, you're right, no matter how many times he apologises, no matter what he will say tomorrow or on any future day, MM cannot give you closure because that can (and will) come only from within you. What I've learned is that it can't and won't come until you're able to fully let go. Good luck to you in letting go. It will be the hardest thing you've ever done but eventually, you will come to the realization that the inner peace you will feel is worth it!
I am printed your reponses now before I go to meet MM. I have so much anxiety right now but I am going anyway. I can't put this off any longer.
Lillsilly