mefreenow, one more question

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
mefreenow, one more question
3
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 11:16am
I know that I am worrying to much about all of this, but is it so wrong for me to just ask him if he still wants me? All he has to do is to say yes or no. I just want to know. If he says no, then I'll know not to ever hope for a future with him. If he says yes, then I will have hope. Why is it so bad for me to ask him that?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 12:27pm
No, I'm not mefreenow, but we usually think alike, so here are my 2 cents... What is wrong with asking him if he still wants you is simple -- by asking him to give you some hope, you are really asking him to continue to put his life on hold and wait for you, indefinitely, and that is not fair!! He already knows that you plan to divorce someday. What more can you tell him? If he wants to remain available while he waits for that possibility, he will. He already told you he won't be involved with you until you are divorced. What more do you want him to say?

If you are depending on his answer to decide whether or not to go through with the divorce, I think you are making a big mistake. If you truly want a divorce because you know your M is over in your heart, then move forward and get the papers, get your own life together, and THEN see if he's available. If it's meant to be, it will be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2004
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 1:44pm
I agree. He's already been perfectly clear. He's not going to discuss the possibility with you until and unless you are free and available. It's not fair to him that you would try to give him hope and then make him wait for you.

What I hear you saying is that you want some assurances that he will be there if you go through with your divorce. Like you're only willing to get a divorce if there's someone there for you at the end of it. That's not fair to him and it's not fair to you.

Plus, if his answer will have an effect on HOW LONG IT TAKES for you to get your divorce (i.e., you'll take your time if you know he's waiting; you'll hurry up if there's a risk that he isn't waiting), then that's completely unfair to him.

I am going through a divorce right now, and we dragged the decision out for years and years. It is miserable. Just make the decision and draw up the papers. Take the leap of faith. You're scared, but you will be so much happier when you're not feeling stuck in an unhappy situation. So the future is uncertain? So what? Isn't uncertainty more promising than certain unhappiness?

It's probably very hard for him to have these discussions with you, to hear you reassuring him. He probably wants badly to believe you, but he's been burned too many times in the past. It would be pointless to ask him the question; he will not answer you, and he shouldn't have to. You have given him no reason to trust what you say, so he isn't going to believe you anyway. Every attempt to convince him only makes him think more and more that you're not really going to do it. Earn his trust back by getting the papers signed BEFORE you talk to him about it. Put your money where your mouth is, in other words. Prove how far you're willing to go. He won't listen to your promises anymore. Prove it. Show him. Get the papers.

Good luck!!


Edited 8/18/2004 1:52 pm ET ET by grace_sharpe

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 2:42pm
HI South

I agree with the others on all there points.

Hon you need to deal with your marriage one way or the other FOR YOU, if your leaving your H hoping that you and OM are going to get together then your more then likely making a big mistake, there is not one expert in the field that will not tell you that it is best to spend time single before getting into another serious relationship after getting D, there are a lot of very hard emotions to deal with during and after a D that would almost certainly put a heavy strain on the new relationship and could ruin it.

Best of luck

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