Mel misses Glinda :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Mel misses Glinda :)
4
Fri, 05-16-2003 - 12:37pm
GLINDA!!! I know you've been posting throughout the week, but I haven't had a chance to talk to you... I miss you!! (((HUGS))) How was your week? What's the latest with you,

missy? T.G.I.F. =D

~Mel

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-16-2003 - 4:35pm
Hi Mel!

Thanks for asking about me... I'm here :-)

I guess I haven't said a lot because I'm still in the same place... Still talking to the XMM, but in some ways feeling very strong because I am being so HONEST with him and no longer pulling any punches. Telling him I am hurt, that I am trying to get over him, that it's hard. I even told him that I can be his friend, but that I also know maybe even that isn't the best idea for me... No more games where I pretend I came out of this just fine and not messed up by the entire experience...

At home, still working on my marriage, as much as I can while I also work on fixing the broken heart, right? Things were ok with H this week. We (or is it just me?) are working on our communication and connecting with each other... I am trying to say what I feel or think instead of smothering my thoughts out of fear that he might get mad and we might have a fight... keeping it all inside and being afraid to express myself is too unhealthy... it's not always easy to do though.

We're still working on the exercises from the book I got to try to improve our sex life... And I stood up for myself a little bit - H had a tantrum about some stuff going on at work, and for the first time I did NOT let him draw me in. I listened, said I was sorry he was so upset and feeling bad, but that I could not listen anymore if he was going to keep yelling. He continued to yell and curse (on the phone from work) and I finally said "I am sorry you are so upset, but this is not helping me at all to get the brunt of your anger, so I have to hang up for now." And he wasn't even mad later - and I saved myself an earful of screaming...

How are things with you??? I hope you had a good week and hope that EVERYONE has a good weekend...

Glinda

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Fri, 05-16-2003 - 7:51pm
Sounds like you're not in the same place at all to me! ;) You have been busy, girl!I'm glad you have the opportunity to let those feelings out with XMM, and I commend your honesty with him.

I don't know which is harder, mending the broken heart or the broken marriage... they both feel like an uphill battle some days and totally conquerable on others. It's good to hear you're not bottling up your feelings, I know it's tough to do sometimes if it's what you've always done. Awesome way to respond to his temper tantrum, by the way! :)

I have had a pretty busy week, too. My DH and I went to counseling Monday together and what resulted later that night was really helpful. (NO, not THAT... get your mind outta the gutter, girl! LOL, Just kidding!)We ended up having a really good talk after we put the kids to bed that night. He wanted some specific questions regarding my A, which was difficult, but WOW he had some REALLY GOOD questions. Telling him more about it caused me to let some things out and help him to understand my thinking. During the talk, I was crying, but at the end of it, I felt closer to him then I have in a long time! He was holding me and kissing me.

Our week got busier, and that closeness kind of faded, but the understanding is still there. What's tough is that through all of this, I don't feel like I'm in love with him. I love him for who he is: an amazing father, a good, loving, forgiving man with a really gentle spirit. But I'm not in romantic love with him. On the other hand, my H says he never fell out of love with me, and is still deeply in love with me. This whole experience has hardened my heart considerably, I used to be so much more in touch with my feelings. Maybe I am in love with him but I can't feel it? Not sure...

(((BIG HUGS))) to you, keep up the good work! I see a miracle in progress! :)

~Mel

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-16-2003 - 9:05pm
Thanks for the encouragement Mel... Yes, I suppose that letting my feelings out is a good thing, even though it can be scary... And I'm glad you thought my response to his tantrum was good - I felt somewhat unsupportive, but at the same time, neither of us was getting anywhere with him cursing about life...

I'm glad your counseling went well, and you had such a great talk with H... If it's not too personal - what kind of questions did he ask? Are you glad he knows about your A?

You said >> I love him for who he is: an amazing father, a good, loving, forgiving man with a really gentle spirit. But I'm not in romantic love with him. On the other hand, my H says he never fell out of love with me, and is still deeply in love with me. This whole experience has hardened my heart considerably, I used to be so much more in touch with my feelings. Maybe I am in love with him but I can't feel it? Not sure... <<

In some ways you have summed up my feelings SOMETIMES for H... I still don't know WHAT I feel... He's a good man and I love him... but is it enough if it's not that "romantic" love? and sometimes I almost think I do feel that kind of love... then I have moments where I just want to call it quits and divorce... back and forth... still...

Glinda

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Fri, 05-16-2003 - 9:30pm
Well, actually, what's funny is that throughout the entire time I was having the A, I was convinced I was in love with two men. Go Figure! As soon as the XMM was out of the picture, I realized in his absence that I lacked romantic love for my H. That's got me stumped! I don't understand why it happened like that, but it did.

The talk that we had centered around mostly why-did-you-do-it type things, and one he wanted to know was a tad intimate... I won't go there (Mel blushes). He asked me what were the character traits that I liked in XOM. In what ways did he meet my needs? How did I respond to that? When did it become an inappropriate relationship? How did I see myself in his eyes and why? In what ways did I justify the A to myself? At any point did I see an actual future with XOM? Was I still in love with XOM? Why did I choose to stay? He had a million!! I was careful with them, so as not to give him more than he wanted to know, yet still answering his questions. It was rough! But, I felt an odd kind of relief when it was done, like I could finally let him in on where my heart went and where it is now. I am really glad that I shared those details with him, hard as it was. He understood a lot more than I thought he would, and had some insight for me as to what he saw going on, too. That helped a lot.

I'm with ya on the wishy-washiness the uncertainty of being in love or not brings. Sometimes I'm afraid it won't ever come back completely, other days I feel it growing ever-so-slightly. I suppose it's part of the process. =)

~Mel