To the men...
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To the men...
| Mon, 01-17-2005 - 3:47pm |
Actually, this is to all who want to answer, but the men in particular. When The A is ending, or any male female relationship for that matter, why do the men feel they need to become mean, belittling and cold. My A is on the way out{ I believe} A month ago, I made the comment that I am tired of of being community property. He said I could end it if I wanted to. New years eve day. we had a snow storm. I made it to work with the hubby's help. The MM called 20 minutes later, was almost mad that I made it to work. He of course was still at home. Last week, He was rubbing my nose in the fact that he has a remote car starter and I dont. That he has a seat warmer and I dont. I do have a physical ailment that they would be perfect for. Finally, I told him that he was an absolute jerk. He came and kissed me on the cheek and said he was sorry. I can only assume that he is acting this way because he wants out to. Am I right in assuming that he feels better when he belittles me and hurts and humiliates me???? The A is on the way out. Why go to all this extra emotional trouble??? Couldnt this just end in a nice fashion??? Another quick question. Why right after nookie does the male species feel the need to find fault with other things, not related to the sex or relationships? Im sure you know that I work with this man. He is in a superior position. Why after great sex did he feel the need to criticize me in other ares of my life??? Is he just being a Dick??? CK

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skippxt
I don't have much experience with how men deal with getting dumped. With women I have noticed that they often can't come to terms with rejection without first demonizing their SO. I think this is just a common way both genders deal with being hurt. It's a matter of pride for me to take the high ground and not give into anger. Sometimes I think this can be interpreted as a kind of aloofness that antagonizes an SO. My rule is to break it off friendly and quickly without compromise. Drawn out breakups get ugly.
I can't speak for other men because I don't know what they do, but I think you're probably making a generalization that's not true. I know when I have great sex with a woman the last thing I want to do is belittle her about things that annoy me. I think this guy of yours is probably just a jerk. Maybe he brings it up after sex because if he brought it up before that, well, the possibility of any sex let alone good sex is more remote.
skip
BB,
From another woman's perspective, I have been told that some men (including my xOM) are jerks when they end A's (or any relationship for that matter), in order to make the woman be mad at them. Some men feel if the woman is mad at them, walking away will be easier. Just my 2 cents worth.
Diva
" When The A is ending, or any male female relationship for that matter, why do the men feel they need to become mean, belittling and cold."..........Because it makes it easier for him to end the relationship. He can convince himself that his AP isn't worthy and then he doesn't have to feel any guilt. At least that is my take on it. I don't bellieve that it is gender related either. A lot of people use this to disolve relationships including M.
"Why right after nookie does the male species feel the need to find fault with other things,"...........IMO it is nothing more than guilt. He is blaming you.
"Is he just being a Dick???"...........Absolutely!
Hi Princess62,
I have experienced many of the same reactions from my XMM as you mentioned, so if yours is a jerk as it sounds as though he may be, so was mine.
When I was the one to finally put a stop to the A of three years, XMM became very hateful and critical over all sorts of little things, very petty things such as those you mentioned in your post. It sounded so familar. I, as you, had to work with him every day, and it was miserable. I think that the XMMs are perhaps angry or frustrated that we were the ones to end the A and that we ended it on our terms, not theirs. MMy xMM is very self centered, so, rather than handling things as we had always agreed, as adults and as friends, his selfish nature too over and he lashed out at me in those petty ways as does yours.
As far as how they act after the intimate times and why, my XMM would not be critical, but would be distant. I attributed this to his way of keeping me at an emotional distance knowing that after these sexual encounters, I would tend to be more emotionally attached with him. After a day or two, he would get back to normal, but this did hurt and puzzle me grately for a long time. Just one more reason I'm glad to be free of the A and the XMM. My brain was so tired from trying to figure his every little mood and action.
These are just my thoughts on their behavior. Not all men are alike, but sounds like yours and mine have a lot in common.
Stay strong.
IP
BB
To your first post: Maybe it is just the nature of married men that cheat to act that way, with him being your boss he may have been letting you know who has the power in your relationship.
Free
"Why after great sex did he feel the need to criticize me in other ares of my life???"
Because he can. After he treated you that way the first couples of times and you didn't stop having sex with him, he knew whatever he said wouldn't matter...You were available.
Why should he care what you think anyway? There were no repercussions (you still had sex with him).
I wasn't offended or upset. I catch myself making generalizations, good and bad, about women all the time. As far as this guy persecuting you is concerned, I think that simply underscores that you made the right decision to break it off. If he's crude enough to purposefully antagonize you, then he's acting ridiculous. Tell him he's acting like a child. If I were you I'd say, "People break up. Get over it. Let's move on and return to acting like adults again. There's no reason you or I need to be bitter." Hopefully, he'll agree and back off. skippxt
Skip
Callistus,
I think you are a freaking genious! ! !
<<<
Why should he care what you think anyway? There were no repercussions (you still had sex with him).>>>>>
You just summed up all of the questions I have ever had about the way my xOM treated me. (Nah, actually i knew all of this but it's good to have a MAN point it out!)
Are you involved in an extra-marital affair or are you just trying to help some wayward women out by spreading your wisdom?
(i sound like a smart ass i know- but i am seriously curious)
~nuttmeg
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