Men..I need help!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2004
Men..I need help!!
9
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 4:43pm
I've posted here before and back then, my married "friend" had ended our relationship. We've known eachother for a year and finally in the end of june he ended it again saying he needs to let me go...marry me off, were his exact words. anyway, i abided by his rules and didn't contact him. a week later he calls me and acts like nothing has happened. He said he knows he is a hipocrite because he told me not to call him anymore and here he is calling me. He told me that he needs to figure things out...he said i need to spend the night with you and then you go home and i go home and I figure things out. He said that if I can "get him" he will give in and surrender completely. But here I am, poor stupid girl, thinking this guy is falling for me and has realized that he wants me in his life, I mean after a week of no contact he'd still been thinking about me. Anyway, on july 4th we met up. I drove all the way out somewhere close to where he was at the time, to be convenient for him, and safe for us, way away from where we both live. basically we had sex, just once. he had told me that the was going to spend the night with me...then after the sex, he started talking like why did i have to like him, and that i would be another life for him and he cannot handle that now...after one year of pursuing he now realizes this.....anyway then he said that he cannot stay the night. but he said that he will return in the morning with breakfast because he wanted to have breakfast with me. he said call me when you wake up and i'll be here. i couldn't believe that he was leaving but i let him go because he said that he told the wife he was working and needed to call her from that number. anyway, he left at 4am.....never returned and never called me back. he had told me in the past that when he has sex with someone he doesn't call them back. he told me that he is just warning me and that it might happend with me. knowing that, i didn't want to do that with him because i wanted him in my life. then all of the sudden he calls me after breaking it off and he is the one who says lets do this, like he just needed to get it out of his system. it has been exactly one week and i only tried calling him that same day, july 5th, all day calling him, because here i am thinking something terrible has happened...he said he was going to come back. he had turned his phone off all morning and afternoon. then he started to reject my calls. i left him a few messages, just asking, not even angry because i was worried more than anything else, if everything was okay. I didn't call him again all week, thinking oh my god, i can't believe that this is happening to me. i didn't mean anything to him, because in the end he did to me what he has done to others in his past. everything he had said, all the moments...they were all lies. lies that lead to that day where he got what he wanted and dumped me. I finally called him this sunday, by blocking my number, he answered it and when he heard it was me, he just took a deep breath. basically he told me that he wanted to live in the moment and that he had told me in the past that he was an a-hole and that he wasn't going to call me after sex, he said i've told you that when i have sex with someone i don't call them back. anyway, he said that he was busy and that he would call me back, but of course never did, i called him 2 hours later and again he rejected the call. i will not call him again. i don't need to call someone who doesn't want to talk to me. but i just don't understand. please if any men are reading this, please could you tell me if this is normal, and what it means for me...meaning was i really nothing to him and everything was a lie. he had told me that i gave him peace of mind and that i was comfort for him, but also very dangerous, because he didn't want to get too comfortable with someone. he had called me destiny and that he runs from destiny. i just can't get myself together. i feel like a zombie. everytime i think of the moments we've had i'm okay, then when i remember this last week, i feel like i want to kill myself...not literally, but i just can't catch my breathe. he has broken my heart in the worst way a person can. i can not believe that he left me in the hotel and never returned and never even called to say i'm sorry i made a mistake, please don't wait for me. he didn't even have the decentcy to do that. what type of man does this, what type of human does this? has this happened to anyone else? please help me, somebody please help me!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2004
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 2:39pm
I guess my situation is rare since no one has any advice to offer me. I just wanted to know if anybody knew or knows a person like this and what it means for the people around them. Is it a personality traite? Insecurities? Or just the inability to love or have respect for someone after sleeping with them. I don't know, I suppose I'll never really know.

fancy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 3:21pm
Sweetie,

Don't quit on us yet. Not too many post on here during the day....it's slow. You will get responses. Hang tight. Unfortunately, I don't see many men on here at all....

What he did you to was extrememly cold and cruel. You put your heart out there and he stomped on it. I'm sorry. He's an A**hole. Try to look past the humiliation and remember that you gave it one last shot. NOW....let it go. He's a user, a manipulator, a game-player, and you became just another notch in his belt buckle. Please read as much as you can on this board, as you will see that we ALL have done stupid embarrassing things for these jerks. Try to forgive yourself....

Hugs,

Id

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Sat, 07-17-2004 - 9:27am
I feel badly for you after reading your post. FYI, there are a few men that post here, but most are women. Looking at your situation objectivley, I can tell you that it looks like your MM used you and was completely selfish where you are concerned. Completely self absorbed and incapable of loving or caring for anyone else besides himself. I think the best thing that you can do for YOU is to accept the fact that sometimes we make bad choices for ourselves. Learn from this experience, ie: what you will not ever settle for again! Hold your head up and move on.

Most of all, if he calls again, ignore him. He brought you down to his level, don't let him do it again. You deserve so much better than he is capable of giving you or his wife. Imagine what it must be like for her to be married to a man like this. Thank God you can be done with him with a snap of a finger.

Keep positive thoughts!!

~Love

Love
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2004
Sat, 07-17-2004 - 11:37am
I've been dumped so many times, and I can say - the pain will get smaller and smaller by the day. I also know that the pain won't kill you, even if it feels like it is right now. The man you described sounds like a complete scum-bag! He used you and broke your heart, and the only explaination he gave you was "I told you I don't call girls I sleep with." What a heartless bastard! I don't know what goes through men's minds sometimes. I think they can easily justify what they do to women with little thought or effort. He set it up so that he could get laid, and then would have an easy way out of the relationship. You're worth better than that. No human being should treat another like that - and yet some men have this amazing ability to do it over and over. There are plenty of great guys out there, and one of them will be lucky enough to find you someday. This guy will be burned as bad as he's burned you someday. You may never understand why he has treated you like this, and you have no control over what has happened in the past - but you have control over the future. You will come out stronger after you feel the pain you are feeling right now. Best wishes!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 07-17-2004 - 8:18pm

Male response here:


Some others posted already to have patience for answers from board posters. I agree with that comment. We all have lives and share our time here voluntarily, so snap answers don't usually occur.......


As for your questions regarding xMM.....


"what type of man does this, what type of human does this? has this happened to anyone else?"


My impression of men like this are that they are selfish and only interested in getting laid, so they lie to get what they want. Some men like the "hunt" and once the "conquest" begins to bore them they move on to the next target for another sample of different bed games. And they'll tell you everything you need to hear to get you to drop your drawers and then more lies to keep your drawers dropped....Such preying is very cruel to the woman as well as totally disrespectful. And yes, it's happened to many other women. And men, too.


You "fell in love with him". Really? Or did you fall in love with the idea of a life with him moreso than the person?


"poor stupid girl"? Is this how you see yourself? Really? Let's start with your self-assessment. I think you're not stupid. I think you were looking for love and kindness and for reasons known to you chose to have a relationship with a man you knew was not completely available to you. I suggest you consider the reasons you used to convince yourself that you were worth only a part-time life. And a hidden one at that.


Before you beat yourself up any further over the experience of this uncaring lout, I suggest you give yourself full permission to be angry for being deceived, forgive yourself for mistaken trust, and move on with your life, alittle more cautious the next time.


Use your time to have a relationship with a single man. One who values you enough to be honest with you and treat you with respect.


And be available to you 24/7........


Don't settle for anything less. You're worth it.........


cl-nre


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2004
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 7:07pm
Thanks everyone. cl, I'm really sorry for seeming to be impatient or even unappreciative....I just didn't have anywhere else to turn and wanted comfort. I emailed him a letter last week about how I like to do things in a more mature fashion and wanted to say goodbye. The next day he calls me and is playing a song about how he can't get me off of his mind and that he loves me and when he forgets everything else he will never forget me....right! During the song the only words he spoke to me were..."are you okay?" I said yes...I shoulda said no you FFFFF AA-hhole! Then when the song was done he waited a few seconds and hung up....like I don't have any words for you...here listen to this. I wonder if he actually felt bad and put any thought into it..I mean searching for a song and playing it. I thought wow, he actually felt bad because I was a bigger person than him to send him and email explaining how I don't hate him because it take so much effort. Anyway, I called him right back, like what was that for, he said he was responding to my letter meaning goodbye. He told me to take care of myself, and we said goodbye. He was nice and did sound sincere. So anyway, I hung up and was hurt, but at least I had gotten a goodbye from him.....then comes sunday..I had a dream. all of the sudden I started thinking to myself about how things had worked out between us...how i had been married to a drug addict and him recovering from it and running a rehab ( not the same one my ex is in) but how i started analyzing everything....and after watching the movie bridges of madison county i thought maybe we were destined for eachother. so like an idiot i sent him another email.....AFTER I SAID GOODBYE!!!! WHY??? it was a very short paragraph saying how did we know that all the events in our lives was not leading us to eachother and i didn't want to say goodbye, i can't let him go and........OH GOD..... I love you?????? I ended it with I love you!!! God shoot me now. After reading your response cl- I realized how much I am holding back in hating him and for what reason i don't know. It was the hunt he liked, one year of pursuing me and finally getting me, now there was nothing else to look forward to. How much I hate myself right now, how much I hate him....so much that I actually said for the first time that I wish I never met him. I am having the worst time getting over all of this shame within myself. I went throught a terrible divorce and was broken once....now a second time and worse betrayel. I can't get over it, it is the worst feeling in the world. I don't know if i can ever trust anyone again. There is so much going on within me right now that I can't even concentrate. I don't know what i'm feeling from one minute to the other. I feel like such a fool telling someone I love them after they have done such wrong to me....now tell me that is not stupid.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 8:08pm

Please re-read the last 5 lines/paragraphs of my first post to you, beginning with "poor stupid girl" and following commentary.


Pay attention to what I wrote.


Follow the suggestions,


pick yourself up


and STOP the self-bashing...........


you WILL heal.


When you choose to start healing yourself.


Avatar for kassieree
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 10:34pm
The most important thing you can do for yourself right now is to forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for being stupid enough not to see what this guy was really like. You had all the warning signs & yet you chose to ignore them. Don't worry cause you're not the first person to do this. I was seeing a MM for about 3 months during which time we had been physical but never sexual. He decided after a silly misunderstanding not to talk to me for the next 4 months. We started seeing each other again for another period of 3 months & during this time i knew he would be moving away but that was ok cause we talked about keeping in touch & seeing each other from time to time when it could be arranged. I was ok with this part time arrangement as i am also a MW. Again during this 2nd 3 months we were physical but not sexual until the last time i saw him & we had sex for the first time. I say had sex & not made love because to him it was just that. As soon as he was finished it was like he couldn't get away quick enough. We were supposed to see each other again the day he left but of course i never heard from him except in reply to my txt msg wondering what was happening to which he only replied with a txt back saying he was not alone as his W had not left ahead of him as was the plan. I have heard nothing from him since. Not even a goodbye phone call. His email is no longer valid & his phone was eventually disconnected as well. But not before i tried for many months to get some kind of reaction from him. I have heard nothing to this day. No email, no phone, no txt msg, not even normal mail. That was october last year. I was angry with myself for a long time for being silly enough not to listen to the warning signs in my head that said for him it was just about the chase & once he was gone i would never hear from him again. Angry also for putting in jeopardy what i share with my wonderful DH. But it was only after i managed to forgive myself that i was able to move on & realise that i didn't need him in my life because i am better off without scum like that. So starting right now you have to find a way to forgive yourself for being silly enough to not see what was staring you in the face. Somewhere out there & sometime soon you will find somebody who deserves your time & love. But not before you allow that to happen by realising that you are special & scumbags like him don't deserve your time never mind your heart.

My heart goes out to you, i know exactly how you are feeling but time will heal. Just not before you let it by first forgiving yourself.

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Fri, 07-23-2004 - 3:51pm
Hey girl,

You are NOT stupid! I'm sure you knew that this wasn't the best thing for yourself, but you chose to ignore your instincts instead--hey, we all do it and you've just gotta learn from it. You are a genuine, kind, caring person, that's why you told him, "I love you." There is nothing lacking in you, you are not second best, or second choice--and HE is the stupid one for treating you the way that he did; you did NOT deserve that and he does NOT deserve you! Not one more second of YOUR precious time! What he did was all about control; he wanted to control how he ended things and feel as if he has the upper hand and feel as if he conquered you. Is that a guy thing? Yes, it generally seems to be, but not ALL guys do this. Consider yourself blessed to be rid of him now. It's perfectly natural and human to want to care for someone and be cared for and you can't hate yourself for looking for that. Take some time now to be by yourself and with yourself so that you can start realizing for yourself what a great woman you are and that you are worth SO much more! When you believe it, you will attract someone who believes it as well. Lots of hugs to you,

Rusty