Message to Kitai

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Message to Kitai
9
Sun, 07-20-2014 - 1:40pm

I don't know how or why it happened, but I replied to your post below, and for some reason, the reply posted 2 or maybe 3 times....and left off the last paragraph. I don't know why this site often does that.......I've seen where a post repeats 6 or 8 times, for no good reason.  If you scroll down to the last time it posted, and look at the end, you'll see the most important part of the post.  I hope it helps you work on yourself.  That's what you need to do.  Good luck to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2014
Sun, 07-20-2014 - 9:34pm

Thank you for following up.  I saw your post show up several times and noticed that last one had more information.  Thank you for replying.  I appreciate the added insight. 

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Tue, 07-22-2014 - 6:52pm

How are you holding up, Kitai?

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2014
Wed, 07-23-2014 - 9:37pm

Not good. I screwed up and I'm paying the price.

After  2 weeks of NC, I broke down and sent xap a text. It was his birthday yesterday.  No response at all.  I knew better. I knew I ran the risk of feeling rejected again.  I think a strong part of me wanted to believe he would respond....but he didn't and the wounds are reopened...sucks.  I'm embarrassed that I contacted him.  I have no one to blame but myself.

So I'm back to day 1 of NC.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2011
Thu, 07-24-2014 - 9:41am

Feel grateful he didn't respond.  Where would it have gone if he had?  would all be forgiven??  No one likes yanking the scabs that are just getting solid enough to stay put - it hurts!!  (I know, captain obvious I am).  Play out this scenario - what is it you were looking for?  Validation that you were still important to him?   Don't blame - just recognize silence as the answer.  I do think you need to consider why you are still seeking him out....

Photobucket
Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Thu, 07-24-2014 - 11:01am

Morning Kitai

I'm sorry you set yourself up to rejected and only heaped on more pain as a result of it. Let that be it. He's moved on and so must you...accept and move on.

In your first post you mention that you were drowning in the 'whys'.  Like most, we concentrate on the wrong 'whys'...his 'whys'.  Actually, his 'why' seems simple enough. He found someone with whom he could forge an above-board relationship.

The 'whys' need to be about you now; as in why, why did I turn to an affair, why was I unable to commit to the life I've already chosen and built, why did I jeopardize my marriage, what was missing...what void was I trying to fill. Yeh...I threw in a couple of 'whats' :)  These are the questions we all must ask ourselves...and get to the bottom of...to insure that we never veer off onto such a destructive path again.

You can take this crisis and make it an opportunity to journey into self-awareness. Therapy will be the key. A professional can help you dig deep...get to those core issues. Affairs are all about us and more often than not about our lack of good coping skills.

Have you checked out the baggagereclaim site. It is THE best for gaining new perspectives. 

NC = NNP  No contact = no new pain. And we certainly don't want to cause new pain at our own hands.

Keep posting in for support and to talk things out. 

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2014
Sat, 07-26-2014 - 10:44am

What was I looking for?  I know he was having some personal struggles and I really just want to know how he is doing.    Something happened that made him suddenly decide to move.  Everything changed overnight..not just with us but his life. Or I guess I have to consider that maybe it didn’t suddenly change…perhaps it was something he was planning all along.  I know in either case, it really shouldn’t be my concern because obviously I’m not his concern.  And that one is hard to swallow.

I thought I was doing good…relatively speaking. Trying to focus on my own “why’s” vs his “why’s”.  Trying to use this as a growth opportunity for me, to figure out me….and yes a journey into self-awareness.  I’ve been reading everything I can, journaling and have spent A LOT of time on the baggagereclaim website including “pinning” so many great posts via Pinterest.  So I knew better than to send that text, I knew what was at risk.  Yet, I still did it.  L The strength I was feeling slipped away.

Now I’m trying to gain a true sense strength.  I realize that I have a lot of hard work to do to successfully move on.  I think the strength I felt in the first 2 weeks was a false sense of strength.  To gain real true strength, I need to figure out my own whys.  Therapy may be what I need to help me do that.

Thanks for the support, advice and “ear”.

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Sat, 07-26-2014 - 5:25pm

Actually, I meant what were YOU looking for when you turned to an affair.  What were you escaping from, what voids were you trying to fill, etc.  

I think that false sense of strength is pretty right on. I see it a lot. Those who's affair partner has ended it, rather than being the ones who ended it, do have that false sense of strength...it's been foisted upon them. And there is still the hope that he will come back. When he doesn't, that hope is dashed. Now, it's really over and we have to find the true strength...the one that comes from within...to accept and to do whatever it takes to change for the better...to get ourselves to the point where we wouldn't go back even if he begged because we get it..really get it..that what we were engaging in was no great romance, but pretty bad and selfish behavior...and we don't want to be that kind of person anymore.

Our affair is a reflection of ourselves. All our relationships are a reflection of ourselves...because we attract 'like' people. And we learn from them all. If we are attracting negative people/situations, we can figure out why and self-correct; and when what is reflected back is positive and good for our wellbeing, we know we've got our groove on.

You are going to be alright, Kitai. Keep on reading and gaining new perspectives. Work hard and stay the course...I want you to get your groove on :)

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2014
Tue, 07-29-2014 - 9:54am

Thank you so much for your support. 

I'm still trying to figure out what drove me to the A in the first place.  Everything I think it might be, I can come up with a reason that  that's not it...or at least convince myself it isn't the reason.   This is where I think an outside perspective would be helpful and I'm taking steps in that direction.

I did read back over some text messages from xap....especially the ones where I knew he was going out for the evening with the "new woman".  Just reading those brought back all the feelings of anxiety and sense of desperation and loss of control that I felt at the time he sent them.  I realized that I haven't felt or had to deal with any of those types of feelings for a couple of weeks. 

Sure I've had my own not so good feelings to deal with but those are totally different than what I was going through towards the end of the A.   I am very thankful that I'm not in that place of desperation and loss of control anymore.  I'm also thankful that reading those old text messages brought back those feelings, a reminder of what I don't want to ever deal with again. 

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Tue, 07-29-2014 - 10:54am

Good for you for recognizing your inability to come up with answers and finding a source that will help you. I've been on the Boards for 10+ years and I've seen people heal and grow and move on more quickly than those who don't and just sit spinning their wheels.

I strongly suggest you now delete those emails. Yes, they reminded you of where you never want to be again...so reading them this time served a purpose.  Now, you have no further need for them, and they only keep you attached by reliving the past and the pain. Get rid of everything...everything. I know people who did not and it caused a discovery day. I know of one person who had been re-building for a couple of years, and her son happened upon a letter she stashed away and forgot about and it was rebuilding interruptus...and opened old wounds...it was awful.  Get rid of any and all evidence. 

I'm glad you are feeling more in control of your life and that you are being proactive in your recovery.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board