a messed up life
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| Mon, 05-31-2010 - 11:22pm |
It's a struggle to put words to what I'm going through.. but having read a few posts here and really no other place to turn I thought I'd give it a shot. I'm married to my best friend and we have young children. I've been having a LD A with the same person for a number of years now. I feel terrible about this but I have been unable to shake it. By "shake it" I mean I don't know what to do. I can't imagine not being in this marriage. I can't imagine not being in the A either. It causes me so much strain because the situation is just wrong and I feel so badly at the hurt it would and is causing everyone involved.
This A was really never meant to be physical and it has ended up that way. It ended up this way because I had been questioning my sexual identity and thinking hard about if ending up in a same-sex marriage was really "for me" so to speak. The A is with a married man with whom I share connections on numerous levels.
Sometimes this all feels like too much to digest even for myself and I want to just end both relationships and be completely alone..removing the progressive harm I'm doing to both of these people. It's been eating at me for a long time and I want it all to stop but I don't really can't visualize a reasonable "end state".
I feel like the first step would be to end the A.. as hard as it might be. I know he'd not react well.. and I'm frankly not sure what he might do if things were to end. A number of months ago he asked me to end my relationship for him and I said I couldn't. Since then it has been an up and down ..emotional roller coaster that I'm finding hard to sustain. He feels rejected and not enough.. and I understand why..and it hurts to see him upset. The sole reason I cannot leave this relationship is that I have children and the relationship I'm in isn't bad - there's just no physical intimacy at all (and hasn't been for years) and it really feels like I'm living with my sister/roommate..not someone that I feel passionately about. I do love her - without a doubt...just not the way you'd love a wife, I guess. What do I know.. I've never done any of this before...gah.
I do love both of these people.. I've disrespected the person I married in such a fundamental way and I am truly sorry I have made the mess that I'm in. I have responsibilities to my family - I've failed them in engaging in an A stemming from confusion around my sexual identity. It really just all sucks... and I really haven't a right in the world to vent...but selfish me.. there I go again...taking.

I had to respond before shutting down my computer for the night...
Welcome and I'm sure you will find support here. My first and at this point, only reaction would be to tell you I think you should end the affair first. Then begin to make the decisions about what's next for you. It's impossible to make a clear decision when you are focused on the other affair partner. You are in a very tough spot. YOu do need to consider your family and spare them the heartache of a discovery day. peace be with you..
Hi, Soulann,
Newbie here too...thanks so much for your post. We have all had the self-deprecating thoughts that you are having now...but you have to STOP that:
"... and I really haven't a right in the world to vent...but selfish me.. there I go again...taking."
You have EVERY right to vent. This is what this board is for. We can't discuss our secret lives with *just anyone*...which is why we're here for each other.
You've posted on the EAS board...which tells me that although your post expresses how extremely torn you are, you posted on the "ENDING" An Affair board...which sounds like you WANT to end it...while also recognizing how difficult it will be. WANTING to end it...is definitely a major step.
When I was playing around on the Ashley Madison site, in the thick of it, even though my H found out...I didn't WANT to end it. I was having too much fun. I was enjoying the attention of other men too much. My logic and good judgment went completely out the window. I was risking my entire amazing, blessed life for what? Fleeting flattery and short-lived attention and "validation" from other men who don't hold a candle to my husband. SO...NOT...WORTH...IT.
Your AP is married as well...he's also living a double life and is experiencing the emotional torment you are. Even though you say it's difficult for you to see him upset, you are both in a no win situation. Even if you both decide to leave your spouses for each other, there will be the devastating fallout from that...especially with children involved.
I truly believe that ending the A will bring you more clarity...and it's the first step to bring you peace and healing. I'm not saying you MUST stay married to your wife especially if you're struggling with sexual identity issues...because maybe that's not the best answer for your family...but maybe it is...but by taking the affair away, you can focus completely on your marriage and decide with full clarity whether or not you decide to stay married. This living in limbo crap is torturous...we've all been there...and it sounds like you're screaming to break free from it.
Take care...read a lot here...and continue to post.
-TE
Dear Soulann,
I'm sorry for the turmoil you are in. As painful as it will be, you need to end your A first. Then I would get myself into IC (individual counseling) and go from there. You will need to open up and tell your therapist everything or he/she won't be able to help you.
~Iddy~