Messed up miserably!!
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| Tue, 03-08-2005 - 11:18am |
After 2+ years Mm ended our A for the second time in mid Jan. We did about 2 week of NC and then started limited, strictly friendship NC. I thought I was thriving with it. No longer wanted the A etc. Then I had a sudden death in my immediate family and although one had nothing to do with the other, I started the downward spiral. I have known MM for 12 yeras so I leaned on him. The contact became more frequent and then the conversations became less friendly and more about us. The next thing I knew we got together. Big mistake! The next day MM reminded me of all the things we had to keep in perspective. In the past I had a harder time keeping things together. We were essentially the "friends with benefits" (I know many hate that term) but no intentions on leaving our spouses. So when MM was good keeping the contact and being responsive I was fine but when he wasn't I'd get upset. Even though I knew neither if us really wanted more I felt like I should.
SO now after seeing MM, he wants us to continue with the A as it has been. As he calls it "relaxed". I know it is all BS! I cant do any of it! I am back to square one, lost all my ground. I am so mad at myself b/c I actually convinced myself I could be just friends with him and I cant. I hate that I am back to pushing thru each day feeling sad and miserable. I was past this. How could I be so stupid to let it all in again!
And the saddest part is that it is me who does the contacting for the most part. MM follows my lead. If I contact a lot, he responds. If I back off he backs off. SO you;d think I could just let it go. Its not like he will be pushing me in anyway. If he calls I can avoid him if I allow myself to. Let me say again I am just stupid!

cap,
sorry for your loss in the family
with regards to MM, its just a setback, your down now so get up and fight again, dont tell me/us here that u will give up, do u want to be miserable all your life, tell me/us, are u happier with MM or more miserable now, looks like u are more misreable
i know its hard to do but pls try , try and try until u succeed, i too have setback here and there and i just keep going on day to day and someday i wont fall down anymore
if this is love that we feel then i dont want to love again since it hurts so much, but i dont think its love that we feel now
pls take care of yourself
max
Bria-
I am so sorry for your loss.
I was just thinking of you this morning and wondering how you were doing.
<<>>
We all think in some way the friendship we had with MM can sustain the ending of the A. They became part of our every day lives; and, it is very difficult and uncomfortable to cut all contact. That has been my biggest struggle....accepting that it (affair and friendship)is ALL OVER. No more....just can't be!!!!
<<< How could I be so stupid to let it all in again!>>>
You are human. STUPID...NOT!!! We all make mistakes. You are not alone. There are many on this board that went down the same crappy road they said they wouldn't ever be on again....LOOK AT ME!!!!!! It happens. Be patient with yourself.
SS
>"I actually convinced myself I could be just friends with him and I cant. I hate that I am back to pushing thru each day feeling sad and miserable. I was past this. How could I be so stupid to let it all in again!"<
See this as a learning experience and make up your mind that your going to take what you have learned and apply it to your life.
Most everyone seems to learn this lesson the same way your no more stupid then the rest of us.
Free
Hi old friend!
i'm sorry to hear you're sad. Maybe it needed to happen so you could see how far you have come, and NOT go back this time.
jen
Thnaks everyone
Why is it even though we know what is best we have such a hard time sticking to it??
I stuck to the NC yesterday so we are on day 5 now. I am really taking it day by day and hoping for the best. Nc again today!! Cant wait until it isnt a chore it just is.
Thanks..feeling better today than I did yesterday!