Messed up miserably!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Messed up miserably!!
6
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 11:18am

After 2+ years Mm ended our A for the second time in mid Jan. We did about 2 week of NC and then started limited, strictly friendship NC. I thought I was thriving with it. No longer wanted the A etc. Then I had a sudden death in my immediate family and although one had nothing to do with the other, I started the downward spiral. I have known MM for 12 yeras so I leaned on him. The contact became more frequent and then the conversations became less friendly and more about us. The next thing I knew we got together. Big mistake! The next day MM reminded me of all the things we had to keep in perspective. In the past I had a harder time keeping things together. We were essentially the "friends with benefits" (I know many hate that term) but no intentions on leaving our spouses. So when MM was good keeping the contact and being responsive I was fine but when he wasn't I'd get upset. Even though I knew neither if us really wanted more I felt like I should.

SO now after seeing MM, he wants us to continue with the A as it has been. As he calls it "relaxed". I know it is all BS! I cant do any of it! I am back to square one, lost all my ground. I am so mad at myself b/c I actually convinced myself I could be just friends with him and I cant. I hate that I am back to pushing thru each day feeling sad and miserable. I was past this. How could I be so stupid to let it all in again!

And the saddest part is that it is me who does the contacting for the most part. MM follows my lead. If I contact a lot, he responds. If I back off he backs off. SO you;d think I could just let it go. Its not like he will be pushing me in anyway. If he calls I can avoid him if I allow myself to. Let me say again I am just stupid!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 11:27am

cap,

sorry for your loss in the family

with regards to MM, its just a setback, your down now so get up and fight again, dont tell me/us here that u will give up, do u want to be miserable all your life, tell me/us, are u happier with MM or more miserable now, looks like u are more misreable

i know its hard to do but pls try , try and try until u succeed, i too have setback here and there and i just keep going on day to day and someday i wont fall down anymore

if this is love that we feel then i dont want to love again since it hurts so much, but i dont think its love that we feel now

pls take care of yourself
max

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 11:49am
Don't feel too bad. I let mm play me the whole time. He would tell me how wrong it was, how there would be no good ending and how guilty he felt but somehow we would end up having ic. Afterwards he would call his wife or find some way to tell me that he felt guilty, etc....He ended it every time it happened. Saying it could never happen again he felt bad but all it did was make me think that he was a good man and just couldn't help himself. Strange too that when my H would send flowers or do something for me ic was sure to happen. I finally moved away. I relocated my whole family and for 6 months I still let him do this to me. He never did anything that took away from his family but he almost destroyed mine. I know that if I told him he would apologize, admit it, and I would have thought he was a good man because he wasn't lying about it, he was just weak. Instead now I can see someone who is totally selfish. He never saw me for the women I am and really didn't care. Not that he is bad but just immature and where is his honor? I know other men who have honor and they don't do this kind of thing. My H always hated this guy and told me he was nothing but a liar and cheater. I though H was jealous but now I can see that xmm is not the man I thought. I fell with him so many times yet I was forced to get back up and keep trying. Thank God I did. I can't believe I let him treat me like that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2004
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 12:02pm

Bria-

I am so sorry for your loss.

I was just thinking of you this morning and wondering how you were doing.

<<>>

We all think in some way the friendship we had with MM can sustain the ending of the A. They became part of our every day lives; and, it is very difficult and uncomfortable to cut all contact. That has been my biggest struggle....accepting that it (affair and friendship)is ALL OVER. No more....just can't be!!!!

<<< How could I be so stupid to let it all in again!>>>

You are human. STUPID...NOT!!! We all make mistakes. You are not alone. There are many on this board that went down the same crappy road they said they wouldn't ever be on again....LOOK AT ME!!!!!! It happens. Be patient with yourself.

SS

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 9:30pm

>"I actually convinced myself I could be just friends with him and I cant. I hate that I am back to pushing thru each day feeling sad and miserable. I was past this. How could I be so stupid to let it all in again!"<

See this as a learning experience and make up your mind that your going to take what you have learned and apply it to your life.

Most everyone seems to learn this lesson the same way your no more stupid then the rest of us.

Free

Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Tue, 03-08-2005 - 10:52pm

Hi old friend!

i'm sorry to hear you're sad. Maybe it needed to happen so you could see how far you have come, and NOT go back this time.

jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Wed, 03-09-2005 - 6:55am

Thnaks everyone

Why is it even though we know what is best we have such a hard time sticking to it??

I stuck to the NC yesterday so we are on day 5 now. I am really taking it day by day and hoping for the best. Nc again today!! Cant wait until it isnt a chore it just is.

Thanks..feeling better today than I did yesterday!