messed up....so angry with myself

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2004
messed up....so angry with myself
3
Tue, 01-04-2005 - 10:39pm

Hi all,

Well, I messed up the few days I had of NC . I have said it is over sooooo much now, that I dont even believe myself. All it seems to take is some "I love you so much", "this is meant to be" BS and I fall for it over and over again even though I know in my heart this is not what I want. I had been doing great with the NC rule until last night when OM came over to my house for a get together that he was invited to by H. He was able to find times where he could be here alone with me and I ended meeting up w/ him later, alone....damn why do I do it. Why do I enjoy being with him so much?! Now I am back where I started. I always find myself saying "that is the last time I do that" and then what do you know it happens again. I would love some advice from others who may have been in the same situation and were finally able to end it.

Thanks so much for being here and all the support!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 5:52am

Hi MDM

I was in the same situation as you, before I joined these boards. I had absolutely no control over myself when it came to his "making up routines". I broke up with him about 6 - 7 times over 2 years and believe me, a few of the times I honestly hated myself for it. I once cried buckets with the regret I felt for caving in. Was it worth the few hours I spent with him??? NO WAYYY!!

Finally I realised that the weeks or even months it would take to get over him would not be half as bad as the trauma I was going through while I was with him in the A. These boards have helped me so much towards that.

I know that coming face to face is hard, and feel for you, and can well imagine the situation u were put into. But next time, just keep in mind why you really wanted to get out of his life.. the rest will follow. Is he really worth it, has he treated you well or not???? IF so then you would not want to end it right?? SO stay focused on what you want for yourself, the fact that you want to get back your self esteem..and dont let him talk to you, or allow yourself to end up alone with him.

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This statement makes me wonder if you do want to break up at all.. weigh the pros and cons and if you really want this break up, next time try to be very very strong ok?? No contact no contact no conversations no conversations..

Hugs to you

Trish

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2004
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 10:10am

Hey Trish,

Thanks so much for the response, advice and encouragement.

I really do want this A to be over. I really physically enjoy being with this OM (the physical relationship is the best I have ever had). My marriage on the other hand is lacking...as much as I love H for who he is etc.. I dont have this physical desire for him. I think I need some counseling. I know that the affair will ultimately go no where...and it is draining me emotionally. It has been over a year now and although I really enjoy that little time I spend with him, afterwards I hate myself for doing it. Definitely is like a drug!

I am going to have NC with him, and avoid any situations where I know he might be. He calls all the time and becomes a bit obsessive about it..calling over and over, begging me to call him back. I always seem to say "well I will just call him back cause he sounds so upset" I have got to stop that.

I have asked him to please have no contact with me, telling him what I want. He has a family too so he should understand. He either doesnt want to talk about it, or if he says ok I will not contact you he seems to totally forget that he ever said it a day later. Makes it sooo hard.

I know that I have the strength to do this, I am just so worried that I will slip up again and be so angry at myself for it.

This board gives me a lot of strength and encouragement that I have not felt before and I am really enjoying that. This place is going to be a big help while going through this. I am so thankful I have found it.

Thanks again Trish!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Wed, 01-05-2005 - 10:19am

I can relate to you so much. I too have to face him from time to time because of our social circle, although I've been able to come up with excuses lately that gets me out of having to see him. And like the last poster said, I've also broken up with him a half dozen times over the past 2 years. Each time you break up and go back, he takes your threat to end it less seriously. My XMM FINALLY has accepted I am not coming back, and he has stopped trying..he even told me he knows now that he's lost me for good and he agrees it can't ever work between us under any circumstances. But I have to admit, since he's stopped trying, that's why I'm back hurting and thinking about him alot again. I guess a part of us WANTS them to keep trying, even if we don't want them back..it shows us they are feeling the loss too.

What you're feeling is normal. And you didn't mess us..you just slid backwards a little. Hang in there.