Midlife crisis or A

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Midlife crisis or A
26
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 12:00pm

Hi all,

I think have started down the path of an A with MM, and I am M also. A few months ago it was still at the "close friends" stage, and right now I feel emotionally and deeply in love with the MM, and we haven't even had sex yet. Only recently have been physically close a few times, all clothes still on, and lots of guilt on his part which has specifically delayed the sex part. BTW, I've never been in an A situation before.

Also a few months ago, My DH told me he thinks I am going through a midlife crisis, and thinks I have been that way for the past year mostly due to my changed behavior which he thinks stems from work demands. The other problem is that up to a few months ago, I thought my M was fairly good, no major issues...

What do you all think about mid life crisis, as compared to an A, or how are the two interrelated? Is it possible? Is a midlife crisis mostly a myth? My age range of 45-49 & married 12 years... Would love to hear your thoughts....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 3:55pm
Yes, mid-live crises are real life events for many people. If you are not careful you will screw up big time. That good M which you had a short time ago will be gone in the blink of an eye. Your H will be devestated and if you have kids, they will be very disappointed in you. You are talking life time decision here and you have to ask yourself if this A is worth it. Even if your aren't discovered (and I wouldn't bet money on it) you will always know that you aren't the person you thought you were. Once done this cannot be undone. Best wishes on making good decision!
Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 4:04pm

IMHO my mm was experiencing a mid life crisis which played some role in the A, i'm not exactly sure WHAT but, always believed it was part of it. something about the fourties gets people questioning things.

he was 41 and i was 28 when we met.

jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 4:09pm

~Apsbr~

<<>>

Midlife crisis, Empty nester, Death of a parent, etc.,all happen around the same age, usually btw 45-55 years of age. (Of course that is changing now since more and more women are having children later in life). If you do your research you will find that the reasons above CAN trigger affairs.....HOWEVER, it basically boils down to a person's incapability to deal with major life changes maturely. Having an affair is making a choice...a very BAD one at that. Sure, you are probably restless and bored and think how exciting it would be...but the best advice I can give you is:

RUN FOR THE HILLS!!! GET AS FAR AWAY FROM THIS MAN AS YOU CAN!!!! Do it now before you make a bigger mistake than the one you already have...and that's getting emotionally attached toa man that is NOT your husband.

WE can justify all we want as to why having an affair's not so bad...."Who's going to know?" Well, your entire family, friends and social network if someone were to see you, not to mention the bullet your integrity is going to take. People think affairs build up their self-esteem, "Oh, he wants me, he thinks I'm beautiful, yadi yadi" Well, guess what? It's a catch 22. You'll eventually want to hear it all of the time because affairs bleed it out of you without you even knowing it. Little parts of youself start breaking off and after a while, you'll only be 1/2 the person you see in the mirror now. Affairs consume us....our every thought, our every wish, our every dream..."When will be together again? When will he call me again? What is he doing this weekend?" On and on it goes until the cycle has your head spinning so fast the only relief is to upchuck all the garbage you've been ingesting.

Affairs are not honest. Affairs are anything but glorious (only in the begnning you may feel this way but you might as well equate them to playing with a time bomb.) Affairs consist of 2 people who have to sneak around in order to be with one another...You become nothing more than a "DIRTY" little secret. Is that how you want to see yourself a few months down the road? Because eventually you will...I GUARANTEE IT!

<<>>

His queaziness with the guilt thing is already starting. If you don't have the strength to walk away for yourself, then do it for him. Save his family from finding out what Hubby/Daddy is doing behind their backs. Better yet, save your own family before it's too late.

**Id**

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 4:49pm

hello apsbr05,

welcome to the board !!

u have received some sensible suggestions here already, i would say the same thing to u, affairs are all lies, u might be experiencing some life changes but u must face this with your H, i dont have any good advice because i made the same error in judgement( my own) about having an affair with OW

i would say run for the hills also, stay as far as u can with this MM, if u could only imagine the pain , u will for sure not even think for a moment to continue to live this lie

ask yourself what will u get from this , maybe a few moments of false happiness and joy and attention and when that gets old u will feel the pain of withdrawal to this addiction and life will be like hell on earht if there is such a thing

i might sound harsh but if u read some of the post u can feel the pain in thier words and in thier hearts, it is not worht it at all

the decision is all your, u must look into yourself and find what is important to u

for MM, its just a booty call, forget about the soulmate crap and being in love

my 2 cents,
max

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2003
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 4:51pm
Excellent Reply.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 5:22pm

((((kimc1)))


Thanks. It was meant for everyone ;)


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 7:01pm

Somewhere around your 40's you start looking at your life and evaluating what you have and haven't done. This is a process, and as part of it you may consider things you never thought possible before. The problem with the affair thing is that there are so many other people involved then just the two of you. Maybe you would chose to be with the AP to have that experience. What you don't count on is that even if no one finds out, your family and theirs is still affected. Time and energy that should be spent on your family is wasted in a fantasy. Your family is robbed of you and your AP's is also robbed.

I wanted to do this at the beginning and I had so many chances to back out. It was like God kept giving me chances but I was determined to go through with this. It has been a very painful experience. I know I will never cross that line again. I hurt the most important people in my life, my children. I lost a friend and I betrayed the trust of my best friend. Not something I am proud of. Everyone here thought they were special and it was different for them. I wish you the clarity I didn't have then.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 8:44pm

Aps

Midlife crisis are real and they can lead to affairs, we often reach a point were we fell less desirable as we age and our marriage gets settled and predictable.

Trust me you want to go TOTAL NO CONTACT with this married man NOW, it is not worth the price you will pay for it, do you relish the idea of starting over again as a single 50 year old, does the idea of looking at the hurt and pain in your husbands face appeal to you, how about the idea of devastating your family for this FANTASY relationship that will never go anywere.

One day your going to wake up from your Midlife crisis and regret everything you have done to this point please stop before you have a lot more to regret for the rest of your life.

Walk away from this while you still can.

Free




Edited 5/5/2005 8:52 pm ET ET by mfreenow
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 10:41pm

Apsb

Here is a web site you may want to check out.

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rladultery

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2005
Fri, 05-06-2005 - 10:11am
You have received plenty of good advice, I hope you will read every one of them closely. I am 51, been married 33 years, 2 grown children, 2 small grandchildren. Midlife crisis? Probably! After having a mostly emotional affair with a good friend of mine for the last 5 years (it's over now) I think this is the unhappiest I have ever been in my life. Get out while you can, you don't want to do this, read the stories, no one ever wins in these situations. The guilt and the pain are unbearable. Good luck

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