Midlife crisis or A
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| Thu, 05-05-2005 - 12:00pm |
Hi all,
I think have started down the path of an A with MM, and I am M also. A few months ago it was still at the "close friends" stage, and right now I feel emotionally and deeply in love with the MM, and we haven't even had sex yet. Only recently have been physically close a few times, all clothes still on, and lots of guilt on his part which has specifically delayed the sex part. BTW, I've never been in an A situation before.
Also a few months ago, My DH told me he thinks I am going through a midlife crisis, and thinks I have been that way for the past year mostly due to my changed behavior which he thinks stems from work demands. The other problem is that up to a few months ago, I thought my M was fairly good, no major issues...
What do you all think about mid life crisis, as compared to an A, or how are the two interrelated? Is it possible? Is a midlife crisis mostly a myth? My age range of 45-49 & married 12 years... Would love to hear your thoughts....

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Thanks jen. I also think it could be hormones for me, because breaking down in tears for no reason at all seems a bit strange, even before any of these feelings crept up.
Others here have recommended some books, which I think reading about all of this can be very helpful to try to understand...
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IMHO my mm was experiencing a mid life crisis which played some role in the A, i'm not exactly sure WHAT but, always believed it was part of it. something about the fourties gets people questioning things.
he was 41 and i was 28 when we met.
jen
Thanks **Id**,
you've made some excellent points about my situation. I guess the unusual part for me is if I go to NC, it will seem like I've ended something that hasn't really started. Right now because of no sex yet, I think I will feel like I am ending a close friendship, but on the other hand, there is enough passion and heat here that I know I am playing with fire.
Due to logistics of the situation, he has to call and meet me. I am positive that will happen. I think I have enough strength not to make any moves on him, but if suddenly he says he doesn't feel guilty and comes on to me - I don't know if I am strong enough to say No let's stay away from physical contact.
Well, reading all the stuff here is definitely helps...thanks! Aps
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You are in serious denial if you think that something hasn't already started.
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This is much more than friendship. You have crossed the line from a friendship into an emotional affair heading towards a physical affair. (But I think you have already crossed that line too). An emotional affair is any kind of relationship that cannot be totally shared with your husband. Have you told him about this man? About the passion? About the discussions the two of you are having? My guess is "NO!"
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This is an endings board. Women that come here are hurting and in pain over the decision to want to end this destructive behavior, (or were dumped by their heartless MM's/OM's). They are here seeking support. They are not looking for reasons to continue such as "Is this a midlife crisis?" It doesn't matter how you wish to justify what your are doing. What matters is your desire to END what you are doing, because admitting it or not, you are smack dab in the clinches of an affair...
Read the archives. Read all of the articles. Then decide whether it's it worth your family and marriage to jump the next time MM calls for a meeting.
Edited 5/6/2005 11:21 am ET ET by id_diosyncrity
aps,
pls. for your sake , run and hide, chain yourself to something strong , do not let in the temptation, u will regret it in the end
no one wins in the affair, its a fanstasy u want to live and in the end it will destroy u and all the people you love, i am sorry but it is the truth, some of us here might sound harsh but the pain maybe made my heart cold and hard, i am a man i felt the pain just like anyone else in this board, some say men are different from women, im sure we are but we also feel pain and i tell u its not very nice to be in that situation and i been i worst situation than u can think of and i thought i can handle this ... i guess not, so dont let the short moment of false happiness/joy/love or whatever we call it when we are in the state fool you, its a 2 headed dragon and none of those head are nice
i hope u can find in your heart what your are realy looking for, i know it is hard but try not to
take care and welcome to the board,
max
i dont believe in the "mid life crisis". I really believe that some people just self actualize when either a) the pressures in life make them think finally
or b) there are no distractions.
i really believe some people self actualize at different times. Why the forties seem so prominent is because in the 20's (for most) its a free for all, 30's life demands more serious attention to it (just following through on decisions made in early or late 20's) and by 40's time to be able to do something about unhappiness or regrets or mistakes seems to be critical....hope for things being different in the same plane of circumstances has diminished (meaning...they are fully involved in some life that has committment or contract to it so change for selfish reasons becomes hard to fathom) and its a kneejerk reaction. We feel our mortality..."last half of life thing..not much time to fix it or get it" as opposed to the "got my whole life ahead of me" thing.
not so much a crisis as a realization. A crisis alludes (to me) as a temporary problem. I think the reality is that its not temporary.
I think my realization came in my mid 30's and I will be 40 next month. Struggle in between just surviving and feeling robbed of time. (chick thing). I did something I never thought i'd do as probably my attempt at grasping for what I need and not much other choices out there at this time. hmmm..hadn't thought of it that way before.
Single-39-never-married-with-cat stigma,
Lizzie
I'm not really one for tough love, but sweetie - what are you thinking? You said you have seen all the pain on this board and it leaves you in a tonne of tears. Add to that misery, unbearable heartache, despicable guilt, hurt, desperation and loneliness and you have yourself the end of an affair. If what you are feeling is a mid life crisis (and I am just thinking out aloud becuase I have not hit 40 just yet) perhaps you could consider spicing up things at home with H, or going away together for a holiday, but please don't purposely move into an affair.
You have a H, a M, and that is heaps to be thankful for, even though it may not seem like it all the time. I have a broken marriage and so many years of a pointless A behind me its not funny.
We are all here not because we want to be, but as an emotional end - when we simply can't stand what we are doing to ourselves or those around us anymore. I wish you all the strength in making the decision that is right for you, but please be warned for the little you actually get out of an affair, it really isn't as fantasy filled as its cracked up to be and appears to you right now.
Hugs - Liz
Thanks Liz, and everyone else who responded here.
I have found myself in this situation because first, in some way I am caught between "thought that if you didn't have sex yet, then it couldn't really be an A" AND "the realization that the emotions make it an A" then trying to convince myself to end it now before more pain, etc.
I might have the opportunity to put distance between it by leaving town permanently, in other words hoping I can run from the problem, which I know is a bit chicken...
Happy Mother's Day to all the Moms and thanks again for all the support, you all are great!
I think being chicken is a great idea! You go girl! :)
Liz
AP
If getting out of Dodge will give your head/thinking time to clear up and return to the real world then do it....down the road a bit you would be well adviced to really take a hard honest look at the WHYS(s) of the whole thing, if you don't you risk backsliding into the affair again or finding yourself doing this all over again with someone else...believe me it happens.
Wisdom and strength.
Free
Hi Free,
I am now planning to go to a therapist . You are so right, I really do need to figure out the WHYS of what is going on with me...thanks!
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"If getting out of Dodge will give your head/thinking time to clear up and return to the real world then do it....down the road a bit you would be well adviced to really take a hard honest look at the WHYS(s) of the whole thing, if you don't you risk backsliding into the affair again or finding yourself doing this all over again with someone else...believe me it happens."
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