Midlife crisis or A
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 05-05-2005 - 12:00pm |
Hi all,
I think have started down the path of an A with MM, and I am M also. A few months ago it was still at the "close friends" stage, and right now I feel emotionally and deeply in love with the MM, and we haven't even had sex yet. Only recently have been physically close a few times, all clothes still on, and lots of guilt on his part which has specifically delayed the sex part. BTW, I've never been in an A situation before.
Also a few months ago, My DH told me he thinks I am going through a midlife crisis, and thinks I have been that way for the past year mostly due to my changed behavior which he thinks stems from work demands. The other problem is that up to a few months ago, I thought my M was fairly good, no major issues...
What do you all think about mid life crisis, as compared to an A, or how are the two interrelated? Is it possible? Is a midlife crisis mostly a myth? My age range of 45-49 & married 12 years... Would love to hear your thoughts....

Pages
Apsbr
Sounds like you have a good idea there.
When you see her/him beprepared that the first couple of visits is a getting to know you stage before you start to look at the issues, also be compleltely honest with the T they will not judge you or look down on you they have seen it all before.
Hang in there even if things get a bit uncomfortable emotionally.
Good luck
Free
Hi Aps05
I have just read your posting and I doubt that I can say anything more than has already been said quite well by the other postings to your problem here. However, I can tell you that I have been in your shoes. I was 46 years old when the physical aspect of my A began with a coworker who had been what I felt was a close friend for years. Actually, I realize now, I had been emotionally attached with him during those years which eventually led to the more intimate part of the A. As in your situation, I had been married a number of years, 24 years, and I had never engaged in any type of extra marrital activity previously. I fought desperately against the decision to finally be intimate with my "special friend", but one of my justifications for taking that step into the physical relm with him was that I was going through the midlife crisis thing and that it was my last chance to feel young and attractive and that he and I cared about one another and if we were careful, noone would get hurt
All I can tell you is do not go any further with this. I was wrong about all my justifications to myself. It was the most selfish thing I have ever done in my life and although, to my knowledge, noone ever actively knew what was happening, people aren't stupid and I'm sure many suspected including my H who is a good man and did not deserve to be betrayed as I did him. The three years of intimacy with the MM caused me to lie to my closest friends, my family, and worst of all, my DH. The few stolen hours here and there of what I thought were pleasure cost me my self respect and forced me to do much reevaluation of who I am. Now, that is a midlife crisis when you are still having to find yourself at almost 50 years of age.
All I can tell you is don't do it. It is like an addiction that once begun, is very very hard to stop. It can ruin your life, and even if the worst does not happen (your H finding out), it causes you to question everything about yourself and it is not worth the risks and the pain to yourself and to others.
In my situation, I tried to evaluate what was missing from my marriage that would cause me to look outside the marriage for satisfaction. I identified some issues and my H and I have worked on these issues over the past year. The time and energy I was spending thinking and worry8ing and being involved in the A, I am channeling into improving my marriage now. I have to admit, I was very lucky because after I ended the A, last August, my MM got a position in another department and within two months, he was out of the office and I didn't have to see him every day. That definitely helped the ending process, but I couldn't stand the stress and the lies, and the person that A was making me become any longer and I had to end it.
Good luck to you, but please, keep reading on this board and if you haven't taken that final intimate step, don't ever do it and do your best to break the tie that has already formed between you and your coworker. It isn't worth it.
IP
Hi iprincess!
Thank you for taking the time to tell me about your story, it has some new but similar aspects to mine and has helped me out.
I am curious though, do you feel like you have gotten over it all or have you been able to deal with the emotions so as to spend little time thinking about it?
Also, what was his reaction when you broke it off?
I am doing pretty well right now, have been able to avoid being alone with MM and no closer 'intimate' steps. I am less emotional than I was a couple weeks ago, but he is constantly on my mind and the hurt is always there. I don't want to lose the friendship but perhaps we can't go back to that early stage....Evedryone seems to be right about NC is the only way to go but it is so hard...
Thanks again!
--------------------------------------------
Hi Aps05
I have just read your posting and I doubt that I can say anything more than has already been said quite well by the other postings to your problem here. However, I can tell you that I have been in your shoes. I was 46 years old when the physical aspect of my A began with a coworker who had been what I felt was a close friend for years. Actually, I realize now, I had been emotionally attached with him during those years which eventually led to the more intimate part of the A. As in your situation, I had been married a number of years, 24 years, and I had never engaged in any type of extra marrital activity previously. I fought desperately against the decision to finally be intimate with my "special friend", but one of my justifications for taking that step into the physical relm with him was that I was going through the midlife crisis thing and that it was my last chance to feel young and attractive and that he and I cared about one another and if we were careful, noone would get hurt......
There's an article in last week ( or maybe this week) TIME magazine about women and mid-life crises.
READ IT.
My advice: stop the lying NOW before you end up on your back with someone you're not going to grow old with. You've got 12 years invested in your marriage and you think it's been good up to now. SO TALK TO HUBBY and let him know you're floundering and need HIS help. NOW! And keep asking for his help.
Your "friendship" with the OM is your attempt to fix what you're missing from your life and marriage.
Pay attention to those warning bells you're hearing.....
Your intuition is trying to tell you to end the affair because at its core the affair is wrong.
Pay attention.
Just my male opinion based on living in affairs for way too long....
cl-nre
i agree with CL, time to stop all the lies, its a waste of time and effrot on your part, take back your life and try to mend it
no contact with the affair person is the best, in time it too shall pass
max
Hi again Aps,
To answer your questions you presented in my situation, when I ended things with XMM, he was very resentful and it was pretty awful. Dispite the fact that when we first began the A, we agreed that whenever either of us felt it was time to stop, we would understand and our friendship was the most important thing we wanted to keep. Well, it didn't work that way. I guess his pride was hurt that I ended things and he was very controling during the time of the A and he resented not being able to control me any longer. Some days he would be very distant, then others he would be sarcastic and hateful with me. The two months we worked together after I ended it were miserable.
As for how I have dealt with my emotions about him since, I think I have done well, but the fact that he no longer works right in my office has helped lots. I was so very lucky about that because not having contact with him on a dayly basis has made it easier to recover emotionally. However, very recently, I had a rude awakening about my feelings for him. I found out that he had been injured very seriously in an accident and had to be taken by life flight to our best trauma center for treatment. When I heard about this, I was very upset thinking he might die or be purmaniently disabled. Turned out not to be as serious as it seemed at first, but my emotional reaction really shocked me and let me know that I did still have some strong feelings left for him. I guess this is not to unexpected because he and I had known one another and worked together for about 18 years. We had done things socially with one another when he was married previously. actually went on vacations together and I was very fond of his first wife. She died of cancer in the mid nineties and he is now remarried. Anyway, I relized I still cared for him, but it did not make me want to call him or start the A again.
Since ending the A, I have put my emotional energy into my marriage and into trying to be a stronger better person. During the A, I ignored my family and friends because so much of me was focused on XMM and the A situation and my stress level and guilt were awful. I can honestly tell you, I am much happier and at peace with myself since ending it.
I missed him some at first, but the contentment I had back in myself was most important. I have talked lots to my H about things we both can improve on in our marriage because we had both become complacent. His sisters are a bit older than me and they could sense something was wrong and they have been helpful in talking to him also about how women our age need a bit of extra attention and romance. He has actually listened and things are going very very well with us. He cared enough to listen and try and that means the world to me.
Sounds like you have a decent marriage. Give you h a chance to try and fill the void that you may be trying to satisfy with the "friend". Talk to him.
I can also tell you that the initial excitement and thrill of the A gives way to lots of guilt and frustration and unpleasant feelings.
I sincerely advise you not to take that step into the physical part of it any further than you already have. Try to step back if possible. Don't let your "friend" know too much about your marrital situation. Since you say your MM already has expressed feelings of guilt about the situation, that is a sign that you will be in for some pain emotionally if it goes further and so will he. Don't do it.
I hope this helps you some. If you need any further questions answered, ask me anything. I want to help you.
How are things going for you this week? Let us know.
Good luck, stay strong.
IP
Pages