Might be the last time

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Might be the last time
3
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 10:50am
Well I am on my way to meet my OM during the lunch hour. He and I have been going back and forth about ending our affair due in part to the fact that it is very tiring on me and he now has a woman who is interested in him. He dislikes being home alone in the evenings and I can't blame him for that. He has been very wonderful all along and hasn't pressured me into making any rash decisions although he sure is hoping I'll come his way on a permanent basis by ending my 18 year marriage (no kids). I recently told him that I was not going to be leaving my husband today, nor this week and maybe not even next week and it just wasn't fair for him to wait for me. Yesterday he kind of worded his question to me like this "If you love me why can't we be together?" I thought back to all of the responses I read on here about why we don't just leave our marriages. Fear, Guilt, the Unknown....I don't know.

We spoke today on the telephone and sort of ended the conversation with him saying "well I'm sure I'll still be calling you... well I'd like to still call you." He wanted me to promise to him that if I do make the decision to leave my husband that I will definitely call him. I feel kind of relieved. I mean he is a great guy and deserves the world. Today he said something about feeling rejected. He can offer me everything and wishes to yet I refuse to accept it. He does realize that what he's asking me to do is huge yet it must be asked. So we hung up and about 5 minutes later he phoned again asking me to meet him for lunch again today. I am assuming this will be the last meet of this sort. I should have made him promise not to make me cry. LOL I have a key to his home which he asks that I hold onto. This sure is hard.

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 1:26pm
it is sad elf...i have had that same conversation with XOM many times..unfortunately it was never truly over for a long time until I made it over for good. I wouldn't be surprised if this isn't the end of things for you and OM, especially because you are holding on to his apt. key.

Just be careful with your heart..although it hurts saying goodbye, it hurts alot more getting caught by your husband, nor living in the limbo stage for years on end.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 1:42pm
Very excellent points, shescomeundone! Thanks for bringing them up. You have given me something to think about next time I am tempted to try to start things up again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Wed, 03-24-2004 - 2:42pm
Hehehe - Yea I don't know who I'm trying to fool. A statement that came out of my mouth a few months ago following one of these intense soul-searching conversations was "What has really changed from yesterday? Nothing has actually changed so heck let's go on just as we have been. We simply know where each other stand a little better." Woo Hoo!! <> So today he used that statement on me. What's fair is fair.

It is so strange the reasoning we use to justify having an affair. Self-induced chaos!!

Yes the getting caught concept.... for a while in the beginning of this extramarital thing I kind of almost wished I would get caught. I felt perhaps that was the only way my husband would ever understand exactly how unhappy I truly was in our marriage. He is the vice president of one of the oldest motorcycle clubs in the state and can appear quite frightening really but when it comes down to it he does realize "if she ain't happy with me, she ain't happy with me." However thinking about the "possible wrath" of being found out is quite unnerving.

elf