Milestone & Dilemma

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Milestone & Dilemma
7
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 2:46pm
Today marks a milestone for me in my recovery... Today is the XMM's birthday. And back when I first joined this board in March, I listed this as one of my major "goals": sticking to No Contact until Oct. 25, at which point I would be so over him that I would be able to wish him a friendly Happy Birthday, OR at which point I would be so over him that I wouldn't even WANT to wish him a Happy Birthday... Well, now I can see how completely NAIVE I was to think that I could harmlessly break NC to send him Bday wishes... Instead, I allowed myself a fond thought of him, but really have no desire to break the NC. I have come a long way, baby.

My dilemma -- XMM recently moved to a small town across the country, which happens to be the same small town a mutual friend of ours lives in. This mutual friend is getting married in a few months and I am invited to the wedding. I do not think XMM will make the cut as far as getting an invite, but I still hate the thought of spending a whole weekend in his little town, looking over my shoulder constantly; I do not want to be put in the position of running into him, EVER again. I know for those of you who live in the same town as your X, or those that still work with your X, this probably seems silly and trivial... But I don't know what to do about this wedding. I am leaning towards skipping it, but feel guilty about doing that... I feel like this is my very last hurdle to jump in my recovery!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 3:10pm
First off CONGRATS ON YOUR MILESTONE!!! You have come a long way! I am truly impressed. Before I go to your dilemma, I have one question for you: (and please dont take this the wrong way...I truly am just curious)...Why do you still come to this board if you feel you have recovered from the A? Have you fully recovered or does it still hurt? (Katie, again, I hope my question doesnt sound obnoxious...I really am just curious)

Now for your dilemma. When I read it, I am kinda amazed that you dont want to go cuz' you dont want to see him. At this point, I think I would use it as an excuse to go just so I could see him, but this is today...we will see how I would feel in a year. So enough about that...

I think if this friend means alot to you then you should go. Ask yourself would you have gone to this wedding if this xMM was not in the picture. If the answer is "yes" then I ask you why you would allow him to affect your decision in sharing an important day of your friend? Make any sense at all?

Ok, just curious again...cuz' I know myself...I would have this fantasy of going...running into the xMM...wearing a drop dead gorgeous outfit...looking absolutely terrific and showing him how I am unaffected by his presence. Ok, so that would be silly fantasty. Do you have that thought at all?

I think I am rambling...but my 2 cents, is you go. Not sure if you are planning to take your H with you but I think you should and go have a great time.

Sorry if this is a little confusing. Sick today and my head feels like its gonna explode.

xo!

Dipss

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 3:12pm
(((((((Hugs, Maybekatie))))))). First of all, congrats on getting thru his birthday. This IS a big milestone, and good for you for not contacting him. Second, is this mutual friend a really close one who would be heartbroken by your absence on their special day? If not, if you can take a pass without causing any harm, I wouldn't go. However, if you think you'll be missed, I wouldn't let the threat of running into XMM ruin the day. BUT that's only if this is such a close friend that you have no choice. If you do have a choice, stay home.

You're doing wonderfully, honey, you really are. Naive? Who could've guessed when we started these journeys 9 months ago that the feelings weren't going to evaporate into thin air like we wished/hoped?

Personally, I've been struggling quite a bit and I think I need to post about it. I'm going along just fine, rebuilding my marriage, and for some reason like a bolt of lightening these thoughts of XMM become so overwhelming I just don't know what to do with myself. UGH. I hate it. It's so uncomfortable until the urge passes. I know enough to know that it's not about XMM. It's not because he's so wonderful and I desperately need him back in my life. It's because I'm just a little screwed up...

Good luck getting thru the rest of today and with making this decision whether to attend the meeting. You're hanging tough, and I have every confidence you'll do the right thing either way... Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 3:46pm
Hey Dipss!

I don't think your question is at all obnoxious. I think it is a valid question. No, I really don't hurt anymore. You'll notice that I'm not here asking for support or advice anymore, most of the time! I come back here for several reasons, though. A.) I like you people, and when I go away for a few days, I wonder about what I've missed. I don't want to miss anything! :) B.) It's a habit!!! C.) It makes me feel good to sometimes impart what "knowledge" I've gained from my whole experience; if I can help someone else in their recovery process at all, then perhaps the whole bloody mess was not in vain, if that makes sense...

It's funny, I *did* used to fantasize about showing up at this wedding and having him eat his heart out. ;-) But now, I would just rather stay away. I don't want to reopen old wounds that are finally closing. Not enough time has passed yet for it to be easy or harmless; I get a sick feeling in my stomach just thinking about seeing him again. I think I have done this well BECAUSE I haven't seen him or heard much from him. Mo, I think some of your struggles come from the semi-recent breaks in No Contact, when he text messaged you. That would keep me from moving forward faster, I know it would.

This friend is a good friend; she originally asked me to be in her wedding, but has since scaled it way down in size and is not having any attendants. So unless I have a very good excuse, I do feel obligated to go. However, she has also changed her wedding date several times, very recently, so I think she would understand if I could not make it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 3:51pm
You have offered great advice to others, including me, in the past, so I hope you get some good answers here. Personally, it scares me to hear that after 7-8 months of NC, the fear of just running into the OP is enough to make one change one's plans. If you went, I'd recommend bringing the DH, and never letting him (the DH )out of your sight or proximity. If that solution isn't possible, then plan your schedule so you are in town for as short a period of time as possible. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 4:00pm
Well, since you read my post and saw how I was - I would not want to run into him ever again. I thought that after him seeing me and I felt I looked my best that he would try to talk to me or catch him looking at me but I didn't get anything. I feel worse. They truly move on and don't look back at us. If you go I would bring your h. It does make the situation alittle better knowing you are with someone who loves you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 4:16pm
Thanks for the input, everyone! (Keep it coming, too!)

Just thought I'd mention -- if I go, I would DEFINITELY bring my DH with me! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 4:53pm
Katie

I agree with Nuts, but would add keep it short even with DH there.

Free