the milestones......

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
the milestones......
5
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 7:42am
why, 2 1/2 months after breaking up, and after 37 days of NC is it still feeling like pure hell?...or, more accurately, it has gone back to feeling that way, after having felt like i had made some progress a couple of weeks ago?....i think at various stages of NC you feel like you can make it just fine, and then at other times you just keep re-experiencing the initial stages of NC all over again.....at least that's becoming my experience....

and now it's the various milestones that are just tearing at my heart as they occur......first it was new year's eve......now my birthday is approaching, and the anticipation has been so painful, knowing that this is yet another milestone type day that will come and go and i won't hear from him......and of course there's that part of me that's hoping i do hear from him, and i'm sure that's where the anxiety is coming from.....having that day pass without any contact from him at all......i am literally living for this day to come and go, and just have it over with, and try to go on......and there's other times like that to get through.....this past weekend we were supposed to go away for my birthday, for the fifth year in a row.....it was a difficult weekend to get through......i just can't bear each and every one of these days that are coming up during this first year of being apart......his birthday, and all of our various anniversaries......the day we met, the first time we made love, the first weekend we spent together....the dates and memories seem endless, and having to survive each one seems like a monumental task i'm just not up to.....can't i fast forward my life and be past it all?

thanks for listening.........ada

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 5:49pm
I used to think about fast-forwarding too. I'm sure we'd miss some good stuff in there, but the bad, hard times are SO hard.

You'll get there. Hang in & stay strong. The only way to make it, darn it, is one day at a time.

You WILL get there & you'll look back at this post and feel sad for the person you were, but you won't even remember how the hurt felt. You'll remember it was bad but that gut wrenching, cold feeling isn't something you'll relive. You'll feel SO good to be free and feel good about yourself again. You'll get there!

Good luck to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 5:50pm
Ada,

I am so sorry about this past weekend. That had to be so terribly hard. I know what you mean about the milestones and reminders. I am also struggling with same issues with NC. One day I am strong and determined and the very next I feel horrible. I think that part of your anxiety is about your birthday. I find myself thinking ahead to certain milestones and thinking that "maybe I will hear from him". After the day passes, and I don't hear from him, I am sad. I realize that there are still some "what if's" that keep me going. The thing is, if we do hear from them, what good will it do? We can't trust them at all. We don't know if their actions or words are sincere. I try to remind myself of the times that we were apart and I hoped that I would hear from him....and I did. Things still turned out bad. He repeated his same behavior over and over, as did I, by taking him back. Nothing had ever changed when I heard from him. He had not made any decisions about his life or his marriage. I think that it would just set us back into that horrible tailspin.

I am thinking of you.

Lostit

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 1:48pm
thanks so much foolnomore and lostit for your very supportive responses......they are so appreciated....something someone wrote the other day is making me look at going through this time a bit differently....i think it's natural instinct to try to fight the sadness and the painful times, and to feel that we need to find a way to end the discomfort....but someone had said to look at this time of recovery the same you'd look at it if you had suffered an illness or surgery....you would be more accepting of the period of time it was going to take before you felt healthy and normal again, and before you were able to function fully.....it does help to stop trying to end the discomfort, and to look at it as a normal reaction to a very traumatic event, that of losing someone you love......and recovering from that is just going to take time, and during that time you're just going to go through all of the stages that go with that loss, and experience the sadness, anger, confusion, etc that is part of that recovery.....for me, this is a helpful way to look at it, as i don't have to feel that i need to be out of pain completely by this or that date.....

i just want to say thanks to everyone here on this board for all of your sensitive, compassionate, truthful words to all that look for support here.....hugs to all of you......ada

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2004
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 9:10pm
Hi Ada-

Sounds like you are going through "withdrawl"-the stage of yearning for your DOC (drug of choice-in this case your ex) It's really no different than any other addiction. I respectfully encourage you to reach out to either Coda-Codependent'd Anonymous or SLAA-Sex and Love Addicts Anon. They are free and will help you get over this by using a proven program which has helped people in the most dire of circumstances. I have seen it happen. I have yet to meet someone on here that has looked into this. This is an avenue that works, but it takes courage to look at yourself and why you would allow yourself to settle for someone who was unavailable to you. I promise you, you will change and become a healthier person. I know, I have been affair free for 2 years. It took a lot of work.

Good luck

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 9:24pm
thanks sparklepuss.......i have already looked into SLAA, as i've understood the addictive nature of the relationship for a long time.....the only thing available in the area i'm in are the on line meetings, chats, and email support, and i've participated in some of those already.....i've also been reading and have recommended on this site a wonderful book called "how to break your addiction to a person"....it's very helpful and brings another perspective to the reasons anyone would be involved in a relationship that is not good for them, the origins of addictive behavior in relationships, and many great suggestions for breaking the addiction....it's not a complete solution in itself, but everything combined is helpful.....

i'm so glad for you that you have been affair free for 2 years, and are sounding very healthy.....we all need to hear the stories from those who have made it to the other side......thanks for coming back to share with all of us......ada


Edited 1/21/2004 9:25:43 PM ET by ada_j