Mind vs heart

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
Mind vs heart
6
Fri, 01-15-2010 - 1:18pm

I have posted here a few times and could really use the help of those of you who have been here before.


My A began 15mths ago and it was very intense both physically and emotionally. Then in October, his W found out. He has been sleeping in another room since and she will not go to counseling or address the A much. My AP keeps telling me to "wait for the dust to settle" and that the "final chapter hasnt been written on us yet."


Even after she found out, we still met regularly, spoke, exchanged emails and texts. He went on vacation with his daughter after Christmas, no W, and we communicated then as well. Since he has been back however, I have notied a difference. There are no emails, texts are sporadic at best.


My question is, I have been wanting off this roller coaster of emotions since October but havent had the strength to break this addiction. He has not sent me a text or email at all today so do I use today as a 1st day of NC or do I text him and ask for closure? We did text yesterday and I gave him every opportunity to tell me we were done but he said that we were not and that things were no different. Well, I can tell that they ARE different and I cant help but think he is a coward when I asked if he was ending it and he said NO yet his lack of text or anything today show me that he is.


I have a great H who has put up with my mood swings during my A and has not deserved the distance that I have created between us. He doesnt know about the A and I intend to keep it that way. I am trying to learn how to focus on my marriage again and at the same time recover from this A addiction.


Let me know if I should get that closure or not?


TIA!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
Fri, 01-15-2010 - 2:30pm

Hey, get!


I can tell you from experience, that a) you will be told here that there is no such thing as closure and b) if doesn't matter if you have that "this is over" talk/email/text...the important thing is that you have chosen for it to be over in your mind. Most people here will tell you to walk away without an explanation.


I had THE WORST time when my xap went nc--I wanted that elusive closure soooo bad. Because of that, I broke nc after one month and got some answers that provided me closure for....oh....about 5 minutes and then the desire to talk more about "it" with him kicked in again and it sort of started the healing process over again. Really, when I think about it, I also kind of used the whole needing closure business as an excuse to hear his voice again. Sad.


It sounds to me like he wants to keep you on the back burner and available on his terms (sound familiar, anyone?)...he's giving you just enough so that you'll hold on. My xap started withdrawing from me...Like you, I noticed the difference but left him in control to make the decision to stop contacting me. I soooooo wish I hadn't broken nc and called him...I sooooo wish I hadn't continued to ooze my emotions to him to the bitter end. It's embarrassing to admit that now. Don't make that same mistake. Take the power yourself. Just walk away.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2009
Fri, 01-15-2010 - 2:32pm

Hey there GMLB72,


I really related to last half of your post wanting to get off the rollercoaster.

BE the change that you want to see in the world! Life loves me and I love life! <3
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Sat, 01-16-2010 - 9:21am

Sweetie, there is no such thing as closure, especially in affairs. Think about it for a moment.....was the relationship ever "open?" How do you close something that lived under rocks hidden from the light of day?


There is a good thread in the HL about closure that CL-LoveStarr started. Look for it and read it. As many gals that have passed through these EAS halls had to learn, closure comes from within ourselves. We have to make a conscious decision to walk away without losing anymore of our dignity than we already have. Asking for explanations, writing a Dear MM email, exposing more of your hurt and pain to him...blah, blah, blah, will only fall on deaf ears. I know you feel like it would tidy up the loose ends so you

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Sat, 01-16-2010 - 2:45pm
U GO go Free Confused, Great post!!! So, So on point....I am so proud of your support and response to someone so similar to your situation. Happy you can be there for her...
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
Sat, 01-16-2010 - 4:51pm

Hey, sienna~


Thank you for your comment! It hasn't been easy, but the whole "mind vs heart" is what has just about done me in over this whole ordeal.


I'm so happy I am finally in a place where, yeah, I'm still healing, but I can offer some support as well....for a while, I wasn't so sure that was a good idea, since I couldn't keep my own emotions in check, you know?


I know you've been to hell and back and hope you're doing well! Hang in there!


((HUGS))


Free


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2009
Sat, 01-16-2010 - 10:34pm

First of all, I just want to say to Free_Confused: