Gosh..I saw your title and thought it was meant for me to see today. Yes, miserable. I had a good cry last night-they say it is good to get that good cry out and then no more tears and on to recovery. My T used to tell me to tell my brain to shut up and then keep myself busy with other activities. Easier said than done. I wonder if he realizes how bad I am hurting when he continued to disappoint me. Over and over again. I have heard more "I'm sorry" than I ever want to hear in a lifetime. It means nothing anymore. I am numb to "I'm sorry." Maybe that is a good thing. These men can't give us what we want-what we crave. They have lives and marriages, and families, and bills, etc..they are the fantasy. Tell you what..I am the one who is "sorry" now. Sorry that I ever got so emotionally
Hey myshadow, I felt the same way this past week and it is completely normal. I did my blocking last weekend and honestly, that is when my true healing began. I finally said enough and all of the feelings I was holding in during the "A" came flooding out. Reality began to set in about what I got myself into and I feel like I am decompressing. Even though it is painful (especially during triggers) it feels good to be finally getting this toxic stuff out of my system. It is just that...toxic. I said this in another forum, "I am ridding myself of the "A" cooties and they aren't cute and fuzzy like Gizmo...more like Gremlins." It feels like that doesn't it?
Yes, my house got messy this week. I let dishes pile up in the sink, my kitchen counter was covered with unopened mail and I washed clothes and forgot they were in the washer for two days! Oy...the list goes on. So yes, it is normal because you are healing and in the beginning it drains all of your energy. Cut yourself a break and recognize that it is all part of the process. You won't feel like this forever and you will start to get your energy back. Imagine the healing process is you taking a long hot shower to wash off the dirt. Think about it this way, you were in a situation that didn't allow you to be yourself, your self esteem took repeated blows and you were pulled close and then shoved away after his needs were met. It only makes sense that it is going to take some time to heal from that stuff...you were in very harsh circumstances.
So again, cut yourself a break and allow yourself to have these feelings. They are completely normal. You are finally letting it all out and with that comes the light at the end of the tunnel.
I am on Day 5 of NC and I have my miserable periods too. I KNOW that she won't contact me, but I am always checking my phone and e-mail. I have been spending more time with the W and my son, but the mind is still focused on the XAP. I know that I need to work out my feelings for the XAP, before my W and I start to do the work on the M.
Over the past few days, I have had some pretty emotional conversations with myself, but as though I am talking to her. I am preparing myself in the event of contact and a conversation. Having these conversations seems to be helping me to releases some of my emotions. I don't use them to express anger, but rather what I am feeling. I've cried pretty hard during each one; even in the car. I am committed not to break NC, but I know that I would have to respond if she contacts me.
I know that I am grieving, that it will get better and I am trying hard to trust the process.
It's hard to find trust in yourself and emotions, but you can get past this.
One week tonight (11:11pm) of NC. Well, actually two, 3 word emails to respond to work related issues - no frills, no 'hi' or 'take-care' did i offer. It hurt to be so curt. I wish we didn't need to have any contact. I would do better that way but it is not a viable option for me at this time.
I'm struggling right now. I have kept myself so busy this week, that I am totally exhausted. If I wasn't sleeping to try and block the pain, then I was moving at the speed of light - even noticed that I had an eye-twitch from the stress, and was holding my breath at times. So right now, I have no more energy to just keep busy. I am lonely & longing for him. We spent 5 outta 7 days together, just the two of us, for almost 18 months.
So, I am taking it minute by minute knowing that this wave will soon wash over me ...
And sounds like I might be feeling similar to you...minute by minute just willing the time to go past. Feeling on the verge of tears and constantly fighting feelings.
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Shadow,
Oh hon, I symapthize completely.
Hey myshadow, I felt the same way this past week and it is completely normal. I did my blocking last weekend and honestly, that is when my true healing began. I finally said enough and all of the feelings I was holding in during the "A" came flooding out. Reality began to set in about what I got myself into and I feel like I am decompressing. Even though it is painful (especially during triggers) it feels good to be finally getting this toxic stuff out of my system. It is just that...toxic. I said this in another forum, "I am ridding myself of the "A" cooties and they aren't cute and fuzzy like Gizmo...more like Gremlins." It feels like that doesn't it?
Yes, my house got messy this week. I let dishes pile up in the sink, my kitchen counter was covered with unopened mail and I washed clothes and forgot they were in the washer for two days! Oy...the list goes on. So yes, it is normal because you are healing and in the beginning it drains all of your energy. Cut yourself a break and recognize that it is all part of the process. You won't feel like this forever and you will start to get your energy back. Imagine the healing process is you taking a long hot shower to wash off the dirt. Think about it this way, you were in a situation that didn't allow you to be yourself, your self esteem took repeated blows and you were pulled close and then shoved away after his needs were met. It only makes sense that it is going to take some time to heal from that stuff...you were in very harsh circumstances.
So again, cut yourself a break and allow yourself to have these feelings. They are completely normal. You are finally letting it all out and with that comes the light at the end of the tunnel.
Hope this helps. :)
Just want to let each of you know how much I appreciate the responses.
myShadow (cuz surely this isn't the real me)
Hey, myshadow~
I am 8 weeks post nc and I still have bad days...Don't worry, though....it WILL get better...you WILL feel better.
At first, my house got messy, my kids walked around with dirty faces--how
Oh, sweetie, you are NOT alone...I'm going through the same exact emotions!
Hey there,
I am on Day 5 of NC and I have my miserable periods too. I KNOW that she won't contact me, but I am always checking my phone and e-mail. I have been spending more time with the W and my son, but the mind is still focused on the XAP. I know that I need to work out my feelings for the XAP, before my W and I start to do the work on the M.
Over the past few days, I have had some pretty emotional conversations with myself, but as though I am talking to her. I am preparing myself in the event of contact and a conversation. Having these conversations seems to be helping me to releases some of my emotions. I don't use them to express anger, but rather what I am feeling. I've cried pretty hard during each one; even in the car. I am committed not to break NC, but I know that I would have to respond if she contacts me.
I know that I am grieving, that it will get better and I am trying hard to trust the process.
It's hard to find trust in yourself and emotions, but you can get past this.
MPV
One week tonight (11:11pm) of NC. Well, actually two, 3 word emails to respond to work related issues - no frills, no 'hi' or 'take-care' did i offer. It hurt to be so curt. I wish we didn't need to have any contact. I would do better that way but it is not a viable option for me at this time.
I'm struggling right now. I have kept myself so busy this week, that I am totally exhausted. If I wasn't sleeping to try and block the pain, then I was moving at the speed of light - even noticed that I had an eye-twitch from the stress, and was holding my breath at times. So right now, I have no more energy to just keep busy. I am lonely & longing for him. We spent 5 outta 7 days together, just the two of us, for almost 18 months.
So, I am taking it minute by minute knowing that this wave will soon wash over me ...
j.
I wonder if all of you realize just how much your support means to me.
myShadow (cuz surely this isn't the real me)
One week today for me too J.
And sounds like I might be feeling similar to you...minute by minute just willing the time to go past. Feeling on the verge of tears and constantly fighting feelings.
We can do this! I know we can....
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