Missing him

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Missing him
17
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 6:35pm

I put this on the Affair board, but I guess it really fits more here since it's finally over :(

-----
I met my guy when he was separated from his wife. We were together for four months and then he moved back home because he missed his kids. We still went back and forth and couldn't stay away from each other. Just the beginning of February, we were together, but I couldn't take it anymore and told him that I didn't want to be the "other woman". When we started this, he kept saying he was gonna leave her - they'd already been discussing divorce, but couldn't afford it is why he didn't do it. He said that he went back for the kids and that she knows it and that they don't even sleep in the same room.

We also work together and sit facing each other every day. It's so hard doing that every day and not being able to be with him. I just miss him so much. I cry nearly every day and I don't know how to get over him and let go... I just don't understand how we could have been so wonderful together and it be all gone now.

After about two weeks of us not being any sort of lovey-dovey, I emailed him at work today and said that I missed him. I just wanted to see what he would say and if there was anything left. I asked him if he was over it and he said not completely but that he didn't really have any other choice right now. I just feel so stupid about even starting this in the first place. I never in a million years thought that I would be involved with a married man, or that I would think that it would actually work out for me. Since he was separated when we started, it didn't seem so bad, I guess. I just wish that I could get over it and get on with my life - but it's very hard when I have to see him and work closely with him every single day. I even have to hear him on the phone with his wife when she calls since we sit nearly right on top of each other.

It hurts so much :(

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: txfallon
Thu, 03-03-2005 - 9:50pm

TX

Is there any way you can get out of that office a transfer or job change, it will be very hard getting over this if you have to keep seeing him everyday.

Hon you don't want anything else to do with this guy until he can put a divorce decree in your hands signed by all parties involved, anything else and you stay the other woman.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
In reply to: txfallon
Fri, 03-04-2005 - 12:43am
Transferring or job change isn't really an option. He said that he was going to go to a different department that is across the way from where we sit now, but he changed his mind. I know that having to see him everyday is what is hurting my being able to get over him the most. I'm fine until I go to work - we can even be cordial and friendly with each other, but then I either hear him on the phone with her or something else happens and it just all comes back again. I think that what he said today about being "not completely" over it will help me though. I think that with the way he's been acting lately that he most likely is over it but just said that to be "nice". My problem is that we have been going this back and forth since October really, and he reels me back in and I fall for it again. I just have to stay away from him. It's harder when he tells me that he still loves me, or even that he went back home for the kids. I think that HE thinks that telling me that they don't sleep in the same bed or anything is less hurtful for me, but in reality it hurts so much more to think that he would rather be miserable with her than be with me. I would rather he say that he went there to try to work out his marriage.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
In reply to: txfallon
Fri, 03-04-2005 - 12:43am

hi TX,

FREE is right

me - i can only tell u that u are not alone, i also work with OW, although not as close as u , about 20 feet , i too can hear her voice when her office door is open

fell the know in the stomach, nauseated and stuff, like your MM, OW also decided she could not leave her present situation, kid is the issue

maybe as your boss to move to another cube or space, i know it is hard, i take it u are single ?????

take care of yourself

amx

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: txfallon
Fri, 03-04-2005 - 10:41am

TX

What he is doing is keeping you on the back burner just in case things don't work out in the marriage, that is disrespectfull of your feelings and needs...it tells you about certian aspects of he personality you may not want to see.

Protect yourself.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
In reply to: txfallon
Fri, 03-04-2005 - 11:02pm

Yes, I'm single. I feel angry at him and stupid at myself most of all. It's like I knew that it was going to turn out this way, but he told me it wouldn't and I wanted him to prove me wrong. Instead he proved me right. Why is it that I think of all the good things that we had and the wonderful things he told me instead of all the crap? I think of those things and then just feel awful because what he told me he wanted with me is never going to happen now.

Asking to move my seat is not an option either. It would bring up too many questions, and even if people think something went on with us, I don't want to do anything that would give them a positive answer. I never ever ever thought that I would be with a married man. I am ashamed that I was involved with him. I would NEVER have been with him if he had been still living with her when we started this. He was separated and living at his parents while this went on and was talking of divorce so I didn't feel as bad.

I am ok with him for the most part when we are friendly and just acting like anyone else there. It just hurt me the other day when we were the only two there on Monday night and he barely said two words to me the whole time. It was like he was ignoring me. It hurt. Or if he says something that makes me feel stupid. He always says that he's teasing. I don't know why I still want him or love him when he treats me like this. It's hurtful since I remember how he used to be with me, and now it's different. That's what hurts the most.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
In reply to: txfallon
Sat, 03-05-2005 - 12:50am

fallon,

he is also hurting but if u constantly think of what he is thinking then it will driv eu crazy, i know i do that too

i know it hurts but we must move on, i wish u well, i know in time it will get better, i dont know when, i ask myself the same question, i work with OW and now we are not even talking to each other, its like i dont know her and she does not know me, we seldom talked although sometime she will still talk to me which in return will even make me more sad

keep yourself busy, i know its hard, especially if u are single and living alone, i am single too and living by myself, i am not saying the the other folks here that have thier H or W is doing better, we all have to deal with it, its lonely inside our hearts

pls take care,
max

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
In reply to: txfallon
Sat, 03-05-2005 - 4:12pm

Thanks Max. It's nice to get a guy's point of view on this. I'm ok at this moment right now. I know that come Monday when I have to go back to work and have him right there I will feel awful again. I wish that I could be one of those people that is ok by themselves, but I know that I won't be over this one until I am with someone else. I'm 27 and have only had 3 boyfriends including this one. I don't want to be by myself. I want to have someone. I miss being able to have that companionship with someone and the feeling of being loved and cherished. I just broke down last night because I thought of one time when he came over and was so gentle with me when we were together. I'd never actually been "made love to" before, and that's what he did. It was so beautiful... remembering it just broke me down.

There are all these things you aren't supposed to admit, but dammit, I am a woman who wants to have a man. I always thought that I would be married and on my first baby by this age. I want someone who will accept me for everything that I am - all my neuroses and quirks and love me for them. I don't want to get a man by playing games and pretending to be something I'm not just so he will like me. This guy is the first one that I was able to do that with. I was not trying to impress him at all when we met. In fact, I was trying to push him away because I had just broken up with my ex of 5 years and didn't want another guy at the time. Since I wasn't trying to impress him, I was completely myself and thought well if he doesn't like me, then I don't want him. But he did want me. He actually made me be more myself. That's what else is so hard about losing him... I'd never let myself let go that completely with someone before.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
In reply to: txfallon
Sat, 03-05-2005 - 6:50pm
Well I am sorry for your pain and it will get better. I also worked with MM until 3 weeks ago when he quit. We had a 3 week fling last summer when W was away and he was so attentive in the beginning and totally pursued me. He was my first A and I really thought I loved him and that we would be together. He made many broken promises to me and told me when the W came back we would find a way to be together. Well this went on until 3 weeks ago and when he left he promised me he would call me and that when he starts traveling with his new job that we could hook up. Well I have talked to him once and that is only because a co-worker and I called him to see how his new job was. I was invited last weekend to a party where he was and I did not even show up. I think he is a coward and is afraid of getting caught and I am tired of always being the one to pursue him so I stopped. It was hard at first but once he quit work ing with me it got much easier. I don't have to hear his wife call all day and them talk on the phone. I don't have to wonder where he is when he is gone and what he is doing. Out of sight out of mind really does work. Sure I think about him sometimes but lately all I think about is all the crap he fed me and how hurt I was.
If the R causes you more pain it is definately not worth being in. I learned this the hard way and I wish I had known this before I started this A because it would have never happened.
The best advice I can give is to find a new job and get away from him. I knew when my MM left that it would be easier for me to let him go since he did not have the courage to tell me it was over. He just kept stringing me along and I let him. NOT anymore!!!!!!!!!!
Most MM never leave there W's for the other W and I have learned that on this Message board. It is not that they are not into us....just not willing to lose everything to be with us.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
In reply to: txfallon
Sat, 03-05-2005 - 11:11pm

I think this hits very close to home: Most MM never leave there W's for the other W and I have learned that on this Message board. It is not that they are not into us....just not willing to lose everything to be with us.

I wish that quitting my job and finding another was an option, but it's just not right now. I don't have anywhere else to go and I just started here 6 months ago. I'm also stubborn and don't want to let him force me to quit. I know it's probably just adding more pain to me, but if I quit my job over this then I feel like I'm giving up and he's winning ... something. I really like my job, too, and I don't want to quit. As long as we are cordial and he doesn't try to flirt with me again in a couple of weeks (which at this point I think is far-fetched) then I will be ok. It may sound kinda weird, but I know that it's over and I am gonna have to deal with it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
In reply to: txfallon
Sat, 03-05-2005 - 11:29pm

fallon,

i just read this

" if we live for ourselves, the relationship with others will foster, but if we live for others then the relationship will falter"

how true this is for me, i put my life on hold for OW and now im messed up, i forgot about myself, did not even took care of myself, in the last 4 weeks i neglected myself and let myself spiral down to depression

now im trying to stand up again, i feel like i been beaten down to the ground and the worst part is i let myself get beaten down

i stil miss, i think of what she is doing right now as i write this post to u, but to be honest i dont feel anything emotionally right now, my stomach is full, i ate a big dinner, i dont feel nauseated anymore, i have not cried for about 3 days now

i still miss her and there is no moment in time that i dont think of her, the only difference not is i dont feel anything anymore

i can even watch and concentrate in a tv show now and actually finish a 1 hr show

take care of yourself,
max

Pages