Missing him (but not the A!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
Missing him (but not the A!)
7
Tue, 08-24-2010 - 11:52pm

Hi all,

I'm having a difficult evening, and I just wanted to vent and get some support. I know that on EAS, we're generally discouraged from speaking about our As in a positive light. We're all supposed to be repentant and put the As in the past and quit cold turkey, I get it. I would never speak positively about the A, but I do recall my AP fondly.

Like I said, I don't miss being in the affair one bit. It's been such an incredible relief not to have to clear my recent call list on my phone every day, or jump every time I hear a text message sound. It has been liberating to be able to devote my time to what I want to do, which includes spending time with my H, instead of feeling obligated to AP, who became especially needy towards the end. Being in the A was, for the most part, painful. There would be the butterflies in my stomach when I saw him, the chemistry and sparks between us--that was great. But that was always eclipsed by the shame and the guilt.

But I miss my AP. I'm thinking of him now, and I'm missing him. No, I don't have the urge to contact him. And no, I'm not having second thoughts about ending the A or anything. But, I hate feeling like I can't even be his friend. I miss his sense of humor and his ability to play off of me. I miss the way he'd sing in the car--there are so many songs that are ruined for me now. I'm doing a summer cleaning in my house, and found the pair of pants I had worn the first night we hooked up. I had buried them at the bottom of a drawer, picked them up and realized the button was gone. I remember how passionately he ripped at them that night, how we laughed with the button popped off, and there I sat on the floor of my closet grinning stupidly to myself. Then I threw them in the goodwill donation pile, because I knew I had to purge.

I'm in mourning. That is what it is, its a loss, and we mourn the loss. I am not in any way romanticizing or glorifying what happened between us, because i know the affair was not a healthy thing. He's a screwed up person who really needs to do some soul searching, but you know what? In so many ways, he was a really good friend and confidante, and I will miss that.

Anybody else ever get these attacks of nostalgia? If so, how do you cope with them?

Thanks for reading :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2010
Wed, 08-25-2010 - 12:27am

Hey Ex,
Heading to bed but just wanted to say sorry for the difficult evening and I hope it gets better, I will be sending positive, "feel it fully then let it pass" vibes your way.

I can fully relate to just about everything you wrote (well minus the button free jeans :). This is where I was on Friday. After weeks of reflection and self-realization about my self and the ugly nature of the A, I just flat out was missing XAP. For me it is her laugh, and when she laughed the way her eyes looked. That for me was the stick the needle in the vein and push the plunger hard moment.

How did I cope....by reading here. Responses to me and other posts. I allowed myself to feel the feelings fully, expressed them, then moved on (best I could for now anyway).

You have read enough to know that this is a natural feeling, but really just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in feeling these things right now.

I think of the A as a rock that I have thrown far out into the middle of a dead still pond. The rock sank fast, and is gone for good, but standing on the shore every once in a while a ripple will come. With each one a reflection will be shone. Those reflections will vary widely in the emotion they bring. Just take each one in stride and know that some day that pond will be still again.

Thanks for writing...
Wishing you Peace & Light
FoggyI do not know what is next in life...but at least I know what is NOT!




Edited 8/25/2010 12:28 am ET by mmlostinfog
I do not know what is next in life...but at least I know what is NOT!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2010
Wed, 08-25-2010 - 12:32am

Hi Exi


Yes Yes YES

New Choices, New Chapter,


New Challenges,

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Wed, 08-25-2010 - 7:58am

I could have written your post myself.. It will be 2 mths no contact on the 30th .. And hes been on my mind alot this past week. I have been very busy and didnt have alot of time to think of him , good thing, but now life has settled for the moment and right back to him .. I dont miss the A either . But I do miss HIM. Alot. I miss that when Im in the middle of a crisis I cant e mail or txt him or call him and have him talk me down . He was the one I confided in . He was the one that listened to me , really really listened to me. My H is a great guy and we are doing ok , but he doesnt listen to me. He doesnt get me . Sad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2010
Wed, 08-25-2010 - 8:06am
DITTO

No Cheating, No Compromise, No Contact!


NC since

New Choices, New Chapter,


New Challenges,

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Wed, 08-25-2010 - 8:45am

Hi Ex-


I know how you feel, oh do I know how you feel. Like many here, my xap (before he became my ap) was truly my best friend. And I miss that so much. 7 months out, I have found myself without that "best friend." And while my husband fills that role for me, sometimes it is lonely and sometimes I long for xap in that manner. However, throughout my life, people have come and gone and I've come to accept that some people have guest appearance roles and some people have starring roles in my life. I have to be okay when people exit because it happens all of the time, whether they die, move away, grow apart, whatever the case may be, I've lost friends over and over again. This is no different. OUr time together had an expiration date just like most relationships do. And now, though we may miss that friendship, we move on and find new friends. Xap isn't the greatest person in the world. He may have been a good friend at the time (or was he?), but there are other people out there just waiting to make your acquaintance. That's what I look forward to.


Hugs,


Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Wed, 08-25-2010 - 9:06am

Exi,


I am sorry you were having a tough night - you know my BFF and I were talking about this very thing this week - that we grieve for what we had - and I thought I would share what I said to her about it....


I do completely understand the devastation that crap like this brings to the forefront - and the feelings of grief - in a way it is like someone died - only there is no body to bury or funeral closure in it for those of us who are left. That is the unfortunate part - that we have no real way to close it off and move forward, instead we are left to wonder and analyze all that we might have done differently, or better without taking into thought that the problem was not us at all.


In that mindset - I decided to literally bury him - I dug a hole - and buried a final letter that I wrote to him.

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2010
Wed, 08-25-2010 - 11:55am

thank you guys so much for your feedback. it is good to know i'm not alone on this. even if we know that we made the right choice, this is still somebody who played a big role in our lives, and now, they're gone.

it has been SO long since i broke up with somebody, lol! i was reading through some of my old journals from the last time i had a break up...7 years ago....and i'm recognizing a lot of the same things. longing, missing, but also knowing its for the best...and i know the first month is the worst but with time, we just get used to not having them in our lives. i remember that i never thought i'd get over my ex, but it happened. there are a lot of differences between A break ups and actually break ups, not the least of which being the privacy of the pain, but ya know what, there are also a lot of similarities. we need to reconnect with ourselves and re-empower ourselves.

it's always the moments...little moments here and there...and then, they pass. and i guess over time, those moments will become fewer and further between...right super tweeners? RIGHT? please tell me it gets better!!

thank you for your support and feedback as always. sometimes its just good to know i'm not a freak for missing him, despite all the pain of the A. its good to know you guys miss your APs once in a while too.