missing "it"...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
missing "it"...
4
Mon, 01-04-2010 - 5:05pm

i don't even know what, exactly. sure, the sex--i'm still in that phase where i can't imagine better sex and i'm afraid i'll be faking it through my marriage with xAP on my mind forever...but i miss the sound of his ringer, the sound of his text tone, the sound of his voice, the smell of his laundry detergent (which i smelled on his son when he came over to play yesterday, and it almost made me cry...)...and then i think of xAP, and how he feels every day he gets in his truck, where we've had sex, every time he walks past his guest bedroom, where we've had sex, every time he sees my house on the way into the subdivision, every time my dog runs across his yard, every time he sees my number on his CID from my son calling to see if his son can play...

God, this was supposed to be about sex only. But now, after D-day, after almost 2 weeks of NC after a 4 month affair of 1000 texts a month and a call almost daily, all these emotions are surfacing that weren't supposed to be there.

our last night together was perfect--no worrying, no rushing, just us, together. i wouldn't change a thing--D-day came less than a week later, and neither of us saw it coming. but i still wish for more sometimes. stupid stupid me, too--i should be giving 110% of my energy and thoughts to my husband and family. that man should NEVER have given me another chance, and rather than appreciate it, i'm pining over xAP...sick...

and even though i'm wondering what's he's feeling and thinking, i won't call him, my husband is checking phone records...i have no other way to contact him, so that's it. just wondering. i half wish he'd try and contact me, because how can anyone have 4 months of amazing sex, hours of phone conversations, thousands of texts, and never think of it again. he said he'd never forget it, but sometimes i just wish i could have one more night, one more call, one more moment.

thanks for listening...this is just a bad day, i hope. but right now i miss "it", whatever "it" is, and i'm feeling stupid and angry with myself...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2008
Mon, 01-04-2010 - 5:16pm

It's never 'just' about sex... NEVER.... I'm sorry you're feeling this way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2009
Mon, 01-04-2010 - 5:32pm
Needed to delete


Edited 1/11/2010 9:28 am ET by luvmytwocs
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2006
Mon, 01-04-2010 - 6:59pm
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
- Sharon Stone
Onward and upward.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2008
Mon, 01-04-2010 - 9:24pm

Thanks, everyone. I know it can't be like this forever--or else we would all still be brooding over our first breakup 20 years ago.

It really isn't ever "just" about sex. I know that now.

And I don't know why I would consider even thinking about it, much less making contact again, when I have kids futures to think about. It's time to call the therapist, I think.

And sometimes I feel like for the past 4 months, I faked a marriage. And I got good at it. And I'm still faking it in many ways. But they say you can fake it til you make it. I just want to make it, because going back to xAP in my mind, on the phone, or in person, just can't happen.

It's just sad that I did this, and sad that I miss it.

Thanks again for your support.