missing my "friend"

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
missing my "friend"
14
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 12:39pm
Here I am again, back at it - trying to move on without my "friend" in my life. I miss him soooo much. For a while I was doing really good with the no contact rule but then I just had to go and send him an email telling him that I finished my last law school exam ever. I told my husband but I didn't feel any excitement from him and I knew I'd get a rise from my "friend." Anyway, of course that email got an immediate response and for two days we were back and forth emailing each other. Until I asked for a return to silence that is. And so here I am again, starting over in my attempt to stay away from him. Yesterday was a really tough day for me, I wanted to email him again. It looks like today is better, but I'm still feelling the loss really bad. I've tried to stay busy so I don't think about him but everything seems to remind me of him. Will my recovery process have to start over with each email? How long before I can consider contacting him as a friend w/ no strings attached. Why do I want this man in my life so bad? I feel an attraction to him like I've never felt for a man before - not even my husband. I miss being able to love my husband the way a wife should and counseling isn't really helping. I finished my own therapy but I'm still dealing with the question of "what shall I do?" I know I don't want to go through a divorce and I certainly don't want to leave my husband for another man. But, it seems like I already have. All that I'm certain of right now is 1) this isn't fair to my hubby, 2) i miss my "friend," and 3) i want both guys in my life in some way. Please, any thoughts would be helpful consideration and GIVE ME SOMETHING ELSE TO DO rather than contemplate contacting my "friend." Thanks, BH

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 1:25pm
It sounds like you aren't sure that your marriage is what you want- yet you say you want him (husband) in your life. Though, if you're still pining for the EMA person- it's hard to focus on your husband. Plus.. your husband wasn't excited about you finishing your last law exam? That would make me feel badly too- so of course you reached out to someone who responds well to that. I don't know you or your marriage- but some of us in EMA's didn't do it because of our spouses lacking-- while some here have had EMA"s for that very reason. I just sense that you aren't getting what you want from your husband. If that is true- you need to block out thoughts of the "friend" and focus on what you need to do regarding your marriage..Don't leave for someone else- but don't stay if indeed you are truly not happy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 2:20pm
Anytime I feel that my H dosen't live up to what I was expecting from him I start to miss xmm badly. I realize now that he was my escape or fantasy guy. My DD told me that she thinks I am really spoiled and it made me start looking at how truly selfish I am. Of course H is not always going to do the exact right thing and in reality neither does xmm. I am struggling with H but he is trying so hard. I took a look at myself and saw that I had stopped trying. I expected perfection from my H but would settle for any little crumb from xmm? Give your M 100% and then no matter what you do you will not have regrets. You can't give your M 100% if 50% of you is always planning your next move with xmm.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2005
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 3:06pm

Hi, just had to respond to your e-mail. I got on this board just a few minutes ago because I am missing my best friend so badly. It has been a rough few days. I have thought of a hundred reasons to call or e-mail him. I haven't done it yet but I'm not so sure that I won't. There has been very little contact in the last month (NC in my situation is impossible) I have been reading on here for weeks, I know what everyone says and it all makes sense when I am reading it. I still miss my friend. I am feeling depressed and I feel like I need to talk to him. I know talking to him will be a temporary fix for me and then I will be starting all over again. I too want to keep this man in my life even if it is just friends, but I know how hard it will be if not impossible.

I know that I haven't gave you any advice, as you can see, I am in need of it myself. I just wanted to say that I know what you are going through and I hope it gets better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
Wed, 05-18-2005 - 6:52pm

boy, I could have written this word-for-word. I got on here, too, because I'm just so sad today. It's been about 1 1/2 months of nc. I see him at work, and everytime I see him, I feel so good afterwards. Then, I'm left with this empty feeling, because I know that he is no longer "mine". There are so many things that I know he'll respond to that my husband won't.

Last week, I had a biopsy done on a lump on my breast. My H did take me to the hospital, but he was on his cell-phone the entire ride there and home. I couldn't even talk to him because he was on the phone. Some of it was business, but he was also checking up on friends. This morning I went back to the doc to get the results. He kept saying he would come with me, but he wouldn't get out of bed. I have no one to share with.

I just feel so alone. I miss my mm so much. He ended it for all the right reasons, which just makes me miss him more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2003
Thu, 05-19-2005 - 10:47am

Thank you all for sharing. It feels like you are speaking for me.

With my counceling I have learned that when my husband didn't live up to my expectations or hurt me in some way my response was to look elsewhere to my MM.

In reality, one dissappointment doesn't have anything to do with another person. When I am mad at my DH I am learning to talk to him about it and keep the emotions about it in my M. In the past I would put a bandaid on it by seeing my MM. That doesn't solve my problem but created a whole new bunch of issues.

I think I am attracted to drama...

Happychaser

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Fri, 05-20-2005 - 1:53pm
Lea Lavendar- You are so right, I'm not sure if I want to remain in this marriage. And, I was hurt when my H was non-responsive to my completion of law school. he didn't even go to any of my graduation celebrations or party's and I had several. I only asked that he attend one and he couldn't do that. It's just so disappointing. Subsequently, emailing my friend didn't really make it better, actually, it made things more difficult for me. I miss him more than ever now and I know that he misses me as well. Our relationship had really become more of a friendship than anything because we stopped being sexually involved. I miss his support, intellectual conversation, motivation, and emotional vulnerability - none of which describes my H. I hate comparing the two because my H's track record is much better than my friend's (relationship wise at least), but I still desire him. Actually, I love them both but very differently and neither seems to be providing what I really need. I keep looking deep within to find out what I need yet, I keep coming up empty. BH
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Fri, 05-20-2005 - 1:58pm
jstmekc-thank you for sharing. I was thinking about what you said re: giving my H 100% and I'm not sure why it's so hard for me to do. I am trying to focus completely on my M but all my thoughts seem to be distracted by thoughts of my friend. I wake up thinking about his, dream about him, and my mind often drifts to him during the day. My "medicine" through all of this thus far has been prayer, in response to these "drifting" thoughts. However, I keep drifting. Do you have any suggestions for how to keep my friend off of my mind? I try to stay busy but I can't be busy 24/7. Any advice will stronlgy be considered. Thanks, BH
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Fri, 05-20-2005 - 2:01pm
Depressed2005 - Just knowing that there are many like you who can relate out there is helpful. I appreciate you sharing your thoughts and echo your sadness and loneliness. Let's try to start each day by saying that "today will be a better day!" Maybe after saying and hearing it out loud, I will begin to believe it and we can both pull ourselves out of this rut of longing for another encounter with our "friends."
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Fri, 05-20-2005 - 2:04pm
shortcake64 - how in the heck did you make it 1 1/2 months with NC? Were the first 30 days the most difficult? Tell me, what has been the secret to your success? And, do you think knowing you will see him at work helps? I can't seem to make it past 30 days, he and I have tried every month to have NC and every month one of us calls, texts, or emails for advice or emotional support. Sure, it always starts out as a simple "hello" but there is always more that ends up being discussed, namely "us."
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Fri, 05-20-2005 - 2:09pm
happychaser - I too am attracted to drama. In fact, according to this book I read about baggage and how we get in the way of ourselves, I am a drama queen with lots of divatude! Anyhow, I don't seem to be able to even hold a decent conversation with my H. How are you able to talk to your H? Do the two of you still have an emotional connection. See, I think my H and I have lost touch emotionally and I'm not sur ehow to get it back or even if I really want to. We're still in counseling but it's not helping. Your thoughts? Interested, BH

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