Mixed Emotions today
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| Tue, 06-08-2010 - 8:00am |
Good Morning Ladies! It has been a week or so since I posted, been a rough week of confusing and painful thoughts. Some may recall me posting about the txt I received last Sun and Monday after me finally receiving my WINGS, well I never responded, but holy crap...the emotions and roller coaster just that txt sent me on this past week was awful!!! I started checking my phone more often, and yes.... I caved with the cyberstalking...checking out his FB page mostly all week!! So I am assuming the vets will whip me good and tell me that although today is day 100 in NC...it really is not?????
I don't want to make this a negative post...which is the reason I haven't posted all week! Trying to live by my Mom's old adage of "If you don't have anything positive to say...don't say anything at all". So, I am here this morning with a much more positive attitude! I am asking for some vibes from all of you to continue down this path of recovery. I realized that I have not "CLOSED" the door on this A...I have not walked away fully... even though I have taken great strides at remaining strong with NC (for the most part) I realize after reading some of the Vets posts (IDDY!!) that I have not done this.
I cannot stress enough to all of the NEWBIES especially that unless you fully commit to NC...you will NOT HEAL. You just won't and this has been holding me back. I have given in to urges to cyberstalk, I still check my phone... I DO NOT want this back...I dont! So I ask myself... why can I NOT walk away FULLY?????

HUGS to your Healing.
Healing,
Just because you are at 100 days NC (we'll let the FB incident slide), does not mean you are expected to be all better and happy-go-lucky. Not by a long shot, honey. It will take at least a good year before you'll be humming, "Zippadeedooda." ;-) Not to make light of your pain and guilt, remember that "Time" is the balm that will soothe those conflicting
~Iddy~
Well ladies, that is exactly what I needed to hear from you. NS...Thank you so much! I read the post on self forgiveness, I am taking steps to do this, but WOW it is a LONG process since I guess I have not entirely let go of the "past". Moving forward.... slow but sure! I have gained nothing from cyberstalking...except pain...I KNOW that there is NOTHING good to be gained from it. PROVEN...NC = absolutely NO ties. (I will say though it is very difficult to cut these totally as H sometimes brings him up, talks about baby pics on FB...(leading to my stalking), and telling me when he has spoken to him about different things. It is happening less, but it still happens. I have to accept that this will always be present...BUT NEVER brought up by ME!!!
Iddy.... well I have to say that you have truly done wonders for me today. I mean that with all my heart. I expected a lashing...I really did, and sometimes your words sting and I was not sure if I could endure them right now. But you were gentle and that is what I needed to hear today. Thx for letting the FB slide in relation to my 100 days. I realize I am impatient, and realize that everyone heals at their own pace. I just feel so slow... and when I listen sometimes to others, I want to be where they are...NOW. Today, I feel strong... today is what counts RIGHT NOW. You have helped me realize that I need to be proud...even with my baby steps. I am usually a "full stride" kind of woman, so this is unusual for me. Thank You so much! (PS: There is no "blocking" option within my phone. I have not called the provider, and I promise there is not an ulterior motive there...just have not done so)
Newbies... it is a LONG road, but one worth travelling. Don't expect it to be easy and don't expect a magic number when it comes to the time it should take to heal. Stay strong and it WILL come...slow but sure for some and much quicker for others!! Good Luck, please stay strong and LISTEN to the wisdom on here...
Healing...just remember you can do this, you are going to make it and you have everything you need to do it with....Have hope and believe in yourself!!!!
HUGS, LOVE, SMILES, FORGIVENESS, FAITH, and PEACE to YOU!