MM blames me for his inability to leave

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2005
MM blames me for his inability to leave
7
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 11:10am
Na


Edited 3/1/2005 6:38 pm ET ET by downheartedscarlet
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 12:29pm

I was already divorced when I started seeing the MM. He told me he was divorced, then separated, then finally confessed he was still married. His W lived in another state and he lived in my state for his job and to "see if his marriage was meant to last". I got promise after promise on how he planned to file for divorce. I started seeing a single man and that only made things worse because, as you, I felt as though I was not being true to MM, all the while he would return to the other state (frequently), using reasons other than his W for the visits. I ended the new relationship I had going with the single one believing MM's promises that he would file for divorce. After MM took a long-planned anniversary trip with his W (which he claims he "forgot" about), I resumed my relationship with the single man. I kept SM at bay while hoping against hope that MM would get a divorce. After a few months of juggling, MM lost his job and had to give up the apartment he had here. He moved back in with his W, but had a separate room, of course. I still got all the promises, but it was not a good time... had to wait until he got a new job. I kept telling him that if he wanted the D bad enough, it would have happened long before the job loss. At any rate, his W found out about us and has filed for D. He now says he wants me because he is getting the D, but I was not good enough for him to file when he had opportunity. As with you, there were no children involved and he used to go back for visits frequently. He did not drink, but does have chronic medical problems which made it necessary for him to stay married and on her health insurance until he had another job (so he said).

I guess what I am getting at is these men stayed married because they want to. I have not been very successful and fully ending contact with the MM. He continues to call and email. I have removed him from my messenger contact list. I am still seeing the SM, but still keeping him at arm's length. I don't know what I am hoping for, but the MM is now working again but I have doubts that a D is actually taking place. There is zero chance that I would relocate there (because of my sons and aging parents) and very little chance that he would return here.

These relationships are dead-end and unhealthy. They are built on a foundation of lies. They do blame us for them not taking the steps necessary to be with us. I have not seen this man in person for over a year and it has still been so hard to cut the cord. It is an addiction, a dependence, an ego boost. I am trying to end all contact and have told him many times not to call or email. Funny, when I go out on a date with the SM, my cell phone usually has several messages and my home phone has the hangups. I feel as though there is something wrong with me in that I cannot break the contact completely. I manage to go a few days or more with nothing, but always get sucked back in.

You did not "cheat" on him. We cannot cheat on someone who is not ours to have. You are a single woman who can date if she chooses to. I tell myself the same thing and that is why I continue to see the SM. I am working toward the final break, and one of these days, I will be strong enough to make the break and not look back. I have posted and lurked here for a long time now and sometimes feel like a failure for not being able to stick to NC.

Sorry to have been so long-winded, but I saw some similarities in our situations and wanted to respond.

My best wishes to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2005
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 12:30pm

Down:

The reason your life in this regards is in so much turmoil is because though I think you know in your heart that it's going nowhere and needs to end, you keep going back to it time and time again. You said that you broke up with him but it didn't work out...AFTER ONE DAY!!! Of course if you go back to someone after one day, the "break up" isn't going to work. It doesn't sound to me like this guy is planning on leaving his wife any time in the near future. It's your choice...are you going to be a doormat for him or are you going to forget about this dead-end relationship and enjoy a real life? It's that simple.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2004
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 1:01pm
Wow girl you not only have made yourseld a doormat it has wecome written on your forehead. Can't yousee the writing on the wall, this guy has problems and it is more than his "so calle bad marriage" this man is abusive and if you think that will change IF you should ever be together you got another thing comming, I have had 2 abusive relationships one ex husband and ex boy friend, he will continue to blame you if the wheather changes and you did'nt let him know about it. And it sounds like he has a serious drinking problem if not an alcoholic. Mabe there's a reason his marriage is'nt working. And honey none of his actions is your fault, you did'nt cheat, he is cheating, he is blamming you for every thing that goes wrong in is life and trust me that will not change. RUN girl as fast as you can and don't look back. This man is a sinking ship and if you don't take off he will take you down with him. Get some self respect back and for pete sake take that welcome mat off.
Good luck and hugs to you, write often and get strength,
kat
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 02-18-2005 - 11:11pm

>>>"The truth is he isn't GOING through a divorce."""<<< Thats right he is a CAKE EATER, he has no intentions of leaving her.

He is about the job of beating you into Submission so he can have his Cake and eat it to.

Dump this no good loser you could hardly do any worse then him.

Sorry but that is how I see it based on your post.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2005
Sun, 02-27-2005 - 12:29am
NA


Edited 3/1/2005 6:40 pm ET ET by downheartedscarlet
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2005
Sun, 02-27-2005 - 10:15am


First coming here to this forum is a big important step to healing. I've learned that and I've only been here for a little while. Brutal honesty is great.

I understand completely what you are saying. Run as fast as you can and I'll tell you why. Last July I was still married but on the brink of D, my MM was talking to his W about their problems. He 'says' she denied any part and that if she was in denial about their problems then he was leaving. He hummed and hawed for 2months. In Aug, I told him I was finished. I told him that once he made a decision to call me. Either way and I was prepared that without me there he would stay, he's never been a man with a backbone but I thought once he was with me he would change eh? yes you can laugh. So he cried and I cried for 30 minutes on the phone. I told him I was tired of giving all the time, we would meet depending on his schedule. I would lie to my husband so I could get away and meet him at his camp. Then I would sneak over to our workplace at night and see him. We work shift work but he never came to see me at work. It was always on his schedule. That wore me out and I told him he had to make a decision. I had made my decision about my marriage and was getting a D. So for 3 days we didn't talk, text message about 10 times per day but no talking. Then the weekend came and his W was going away on a girl's weekend so of course he calls and I miss him so much that we meet at the camp. It felt so good to be back. This went on for July, Aug, Sept (she found our emails) and Oct (they did the counselling thing which was pointless) and in Nov. she moved out. Dec was our first month of being totally together and on Jan 1, he said he wasn't sure he did the right thing. He needed time to think without anyone telling him their opinions or advice. Said he felt like he ruined his son's life b/c son was taking temper tantrums and did I mention the son is '2'. Temper tantrum age. Anyway, I wish so badly that I had been so strong and walk away that Aug day when I told him I was tired of giving and waiting. Oh how I wish I could have done that. I knew in my heart that there were enough things about him that were going to be problems but I fooled myself into believing that he would change when he was with me. I would be so further ahead of the pain I am in now. Sure I would have thought about what might have been and been curious forever but I would take that any day over the misery now. He's on stress leave now thank god b/c I have to see him every 4 days during shift change. He's still gorgeous in my eyes and I miss some parts of him still but I know that I would never want to be back in that supression. I could never feel my emotions b/c I wanted to be what he needed. I rarely let him know how frustrated I was with him b/c I felt like he was going thru so much with her that he didn't deserve me being 'difficult' too so I suppressed me. NEVER and I do mean NEVER, will I allow someone (else or myself) to suppress me. I have a voice and an opinion and a heart and if someone wants to be with me, prove it. No more married men for me. There's a guy who's been checking me out for a while but I won't give him the time of day b/c I know he has a gf. Walk away if not for you then for me. Come back here and talk to us as much as you want. I've read the posts and now I know I am not alone. You are not alone either so learn from the women who have walked before you. Don't get caught in the trap of 'but my situation is different'. It really isn't, I thought that at one time but now I know different. Read the book 'He's scared, she's scared' It's about committment issues on our part and their part. I felt like it was written to me about my situation at times. Good luck and remember put on your running shoes, and run like hell!!!

Robin

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2005
Sun, 02-27-2005 - 4:19pm
NA


Edited 3/1/2005 6:39 pm ET ET by downheartedscarlet