MM ended the A & I confessed it to H!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
MM ended the A & I confessed it to H!!!!
4
Fri, 06-10-2005 - 5:22pm

Well, my H and I have a LONG road to recovery!!!!!

MM broke off our 11 month A on Monday and I told H about my A.

My H and I haven’t stopped crying since Wednesday night (when I confessed to him about my A), needless to say we didn’t sleep either. Both of us have been staring at the ceiling at night, thinking, crying.

He forgave me for telling him the truth, but he is VERY hurt. I don’t know if I would have told him if MM and I were still together, but I guess it had to happen this way. Our love and M will be put to the test and I strongly feel it will bring us closer together. Maybe this had to happen in my M because we were obviously missing something.

My H blames himself for this, because he said maybe it’s something he did, or didn’t do that made me do this on the side.

He is also very scared that I am gonna leave him, which shocked me because I would think it would be the other way around.

He said he loves me so much that no matter how hurt he is, his love is 10 times stronger for me that he couldn’t leave me.

H wrote me several little letters because he said he will start crying if he had to tell me in person. His letter from today touched my heart so bad and I wanted to cry, yet the tears were not coming out.

He said that MM took advantage of me because I am so sweet and MM knew exactly what to say to me to get me weak.

Today was the first day I actually didn’t feel the need or think about MM the way I had in the past. I keep thinking the last words MM told me how our A has “worn out” like some used t-shirt, he even said that “I didn’t put a gun to your head to have an A with me. You wanted to have an A on your own.” It’s like he’s not admitting he is just as guilty and tries to put the blame on me now.

I wanna tell his W so bad (I won't though), because she didn’t do nothing wrong, MM did! I just don’t want him to hurt any more women because I strongly feel that he will do this again. He tried it before me, so I am sure once his guilt settles down about all this (why he broke off the A with me), he will pursue another A. I know that’s NOT my concern, eventually it will catch up to him, but I feel bad for any future “victims” he may have.

Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything about this to H, because we are now both hurting, but the pain I was carrying inside of me was just too much for me to hide. I don’t wish this to happen to anyone! I chose to tell H because I felt it was the right thing to do in my heart. When he got down on his knees and begged me to tell him, I just had to.

I don’t know and honestly I don’t even care whether MM ever cared about me, or he is hurting just as much as I am now, but if he has a heart he will hopefully take responsibility as well for his actions. He should. I know he has a family and I wouldn’t want to see them break apart, but he was this guy I met on the train, who talked about his W like garbage, even had me believe he was “single” for a whole month and walked around without wearing his wedding band. He obviously had this all planned out and I fell for it. He made me weak and he captured my heart.

What’s done is done, I can’t turn back the time and yes I am just as guilty for what I did. I could have said no to MM many times, but I couldn’t. I was way too deeply in love with him. Although he made me weak and he knew exactly what to say to me to make me believe that I meant something for him.

I am trying to forget MM, and move forward. I made a mistake and I will have to suffer for a while until the pain heals.

My H and I made plans to make a list for each other and write down what we both want out of our M, what we like and dislike about each other and how we can improve everything.

I guess I can finally say that my A is really over! I can finally accept that MM won’t call me, e-mail, etc., and I don’t have to go crazy checking my phone every second if he called me, or not, because I know he won’t anymore. He would have to be very dumb to even attempt it at this point, now that my H knows about the A.

H even told me that he doesn’t know how he’s gonna react if we ever bump into MM on the train, which may or may not happen.

Being in an A and now admitting what I have done to my H is the biggest challenge in my life. I have faith that things will work out between us, so far my H has been the greatest and I know he truly loves me. I also believe that this might even have brought us together even more.

The road to recovery is very tough, but I got a second chance from my H. I hate myself for betraying him, I hate MM for coming into my life and making me weak, I hate the fact that I still have feelings for MM as much as I hate him at the same time.

Love really hurts!!!!

Thanks for listening and PLEASE no harsh words. Just wanted to share my story.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 06-11-2005 - 12:44am

Hi Sadgirl,

Its late so I can't write much. Tired.

People will disagree but I think you did the right thing in telling your H. I told my H when I was having an affair. We ended up divorced but that was a different story. The thing is that I bet you may have told your husband not so much because the guilt was killing you and you wanted to be honest with him as much as the fact that you are still very much hung up on MM and couldn't bear the dublicity any longer. My point is that your confession wa smore about MM than about your H. Still, I think it is necessary to rebuild a marriage. I don't believe a marriage can be rebuilt on a foundation of a lie. But thats just my opinion. People will disagree.

However 1) you seem to be taking too much of a victim role here with regards to your affair. Reread your post and you can see what I mean. You need to take some time and some therapy and come to own your actions and your affair. You need to understand WHY you had an affair and don't cop out and say its because you met MM. Thats total BS and you know it. If you don't take time and couseling alone and together, you will repeat the scenario with someone else.

2) DO not under any circumstances tell MM's wife. I cannot stress how not only is this not your place, you will cause undue havoc and pain. Go check out the My Sides thread. I know what you are thinking - I am hurt and now my DH is hurt so why does MM and his W get off scott free? First of all, don't judge someone's inside relationship by their outside. Noone gets off scot free. Affairs have ripple effects. Its not your place to play God or to take fate into your own hands. Things ALWAYS play out on their own accord for a reason. Its not your concern about MM's marriage. Second, it was your decision to tell your H about the affair. its not your decision about his wife. No good can come from it.

3) MARRIAGE COUNSELING and INDIVIDUAL COUNSELING

Huge,
Ivy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
Sat, 06-11-2005 - 1:04am
Please point your DH to www.survivinginfidelity.com - he will get help there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2005
Wed, 07-06-2005 - 6:32pm
It is amazing that everything you wrote reminded me EXACTLY of mine last year. I actually was going to leave to be with my OM..we had spent a great weekend together. Somehow my H and I watched some relationship video online. Our M had been suffering for years. I had been in an A for almost 3 years. I confessed to him the whole thing and that those were the reasons why I wanted to separate. My OM who had been begging me for years for me to leave my H suddenly didn't seem to want us together. My H and I went through exactly what you are now. He too blamed himself and saw OM as taking advantage of me etc. We both figured out that although I was too blame for the A(although he still feels it's his fault), we are both at fault for letting our marriage slip. We realized we needed better communication, romance, etc. We went to counseling for a few months but stopped when we figured it really was a waste of time for us since we were getting along then and knew what we needed to do...I will tell you...there is light at the end of the tunnel...I did have to suffer with not being trusted for a while but if you go through this you must not get angry and remember you brought it on yourself. I can be very defensive so I had to remind myself of this everytime I endured a smart ass remark from him...But 13 months later our marriage is better than it has ever been, we are closer than ever, listen more, give more. I would never think of having another A and infact when I think of OM, I thank God that it didn't work out...I know how I went that way last year I would be miserable now. You can do it!! It just takes time!! I hope my story helps you out a bit...
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Thu, 07-07-2005 - 8:17am

Angela,

I think A's are only fun when it's a taboo, but like you said, the minute you were gonna leave your H for OM he didn't want to be with you anymore.

My H blames himself for the A...I blame myself and xMM...so it's a circle of pointing fingers at one another. I never forget though that before I got myself involved with xMM I told him over and over again how I don't wanna get hurt and used and he kept reassuring me "I would never do that to you". And he did!

I know probably my H and I drifted away in our M at some point. We both work long hours and by the time we get home we just go to bed. I don't feel the excitement anymore, and IC is almost like a chore, rather than something wonderful couples are supposed to do. We don't even have kids either, so I can't even say we are the way we are because the kids take up our time.

That is what I am hoping for too, that rather than our M falling apart it will make us 10x stronger than it was before. I wanna be able to prove that xMM didn't destroy us and he continues living a lie and cheat on his W some more, while my H and I will work thru this and make us a stronger couple.

I just wish that xMM would have at least have the deceny and not end it this way. Yes, all A's have to end at one point, but I remember when his W found out about us I stood up for him 100% and lied to his W to protect THEIR M, then he turns around and backstabs me and ends it so cold-hearted and expects me to act like it was no big deal.

Anyway. I am just going on and on here. Thank you for sharing your story. I envy the fact that you are so much ahead of me and was able to get thru all this. I am still very much struggling to get out of the deep water.

PG